Overcoming "Rose-Colored Glasses Syndrome"

Is anyone else tired of comparisons?  You know, looking at other people's lives and wishing it were your reality?  In this day of social media, it's easy to catch glimpses of well-behaved children, super-hero moms, perfectly decorated homes, financial prosperity, adorable pets, fabulous wardrobes--shall I continue?

What I've found is, what we often see is NOT reality.  We only get to see what other people allow us to see.  Especially over the internet, but even in our face-to-face relationships.  

I blame Dan & I of having "Rose-Colored Glasses Syndrome." (Henceforth, referred to as RCGS) People struggling with RCGS do a lot of complaining behind closed doors.  They're fed up with their life, their spouse (or lack thereof), their children, their job, their finances, their friendships, their home...but when they get together with others, they paint rosy pictures about life and make everything seem better than fine.  We have had this chronic disease for as long as "we" have been a "we."  Life for the Garners is rose-colored-wonderful!  (NOT!)

What is the cure for RCGS?  Is there one?

Yes.

It starts with abandoning the notion of comparison.   And that's hard to do, since we've learned to compare ourselves starting at a very young age.  Living life honestly is very hard to do, because it requires acceptance of who we are and the reality of our lives.  

But acceptance doesn't mean settling.  Acceptance just means grace, really.  Having the grace to face the truth of today.  And the grace to have courage to take the next steps.

So, here's the deal.  I'm going to be honest with you.  

• I don't look in the mirror and get excited about what I see looking back at me.  I see every flaw, every imperfection, every bulge...at the expense of seeing any beauty.
• I love my children, but some days I don't really like them.  And many days I'm tired of being a mom. (See my Julie & the Whale post if you missed it!)
• I love my husband and I married my best friend, but most days we feel like two ships passing in the night.  He comes in the door and sometimes I forget to look up and say hello.  We certainly don't romantically greet one another with affectionate kisses and loving sentiments.
• Our love-life has been overtaken by our role as "Mom" and "Dad"...and we don't go on regular date nights.  Romance?  Well...we have high hopes for it again one day.
• My health journey is not perfect.  I'm a total sugar addict.  Sugar is like meth to me.  I've had wild success, but there is a lot of struggle and pain in the journey that isn't easy to share.  I lose weight.  I gain weight. 
• I wish I had never created a rap video, because it makes it hard to live up to what everyone (even strangers) now expects of me.
• Some days I don't like being a health coach.  It's not all happiness, it can be very hard work.  It hurts not to know how to help people you love.
• We have had the worst year of financial setbacks we have ever had and some days it feels like we will never emerge from the pit of debt and never-ending bills.
• Our puppy peed on our bed--twice.  He's cute, but sometimes he makes us really mad.
• I had to cancel a bus trip that I spent MONTHS planning...and I felt like a total loser, even though I couldn't possibly control the weather.  I let other people's responses drag me into a bad place. 
• I have panic attacks sometimes.  And I live in a constant state of anxiety, at varying levels.
• I get depressed.  Not just sad.  Depressed.

The Rose-Colored Glasses are officially OFF.

So, maybe you've been thinking about what it might be like to work with me as a health coach.  Well, there's something important for you to know.   

I'm NOT perfect.  If you're looking for someone who has never strayed from healthy eating, who has perfectly gotten to their healthy BMI, who knows the habits of health inside and out, who applies healthy habits to life every day, who always knows exactly the right thing to say, who has never gained any weight back, who coaches with 100% consistency....well, then I'm not your coach.

But if you'd like to walk alongside someone who knows a little something about bring imperfect, but who is willing to make imperfect progress...

If you don't mind someone who knows what it's like to fall down (hard) and still get up...

If it doesn't bother you to share the journey with someone who sees all the imperfections and still sees HOPE and JOY and BLESSINGS and FREEDOM.  

Then, here I am!

I'm just recovering from RCGS.  I'm ready to stop comparing myself to others and to start living the life I was given--with gratitude for the millions of gifts and blessings I truly HAVE been given!

I'm an imperfect wife, mother and certified health coach (through Villanova University's Center for Obesity Prevention and Education).  I help people reclaim health in their lives through walking alongside them through weight loss and building habits of health.  I am a regular person who has tried and failed many times in my life.  I happen to have successfully lost a lot of weight, and continue on my weight loss journey even now.  My services are free to those who want to walk this path with me.  I am blessed, honored and grateful.  Feel free to contact me.

It's Just Practicing Habits

"Habits are to life as rails are to a train." -Charlotte Mason

Our children attend a half day, Charlotte Mason model school that works in cooperation with home school families.  Seeing what and how they are learning in school makes me wish I could go back and get my education again--"do-over, please!"

For Jude & Kate, school is simply about learning and practicing new habits each and every day.  Everything is a habit and everything is simply learned through practicing.  There are character habits...

These are the character habits they are practicing at school:

OBEDIENCE |THINKING | CONCENTRATING | THOUGHTFULNESS

GOOD MANNERS | REMEMBERING | ALERTNESS | FORTITUDE

THOROUGHNESS | ATTENTION | TRUTHFULNESS | SELF DISCIPLINE | SELF CONTROL

And then there are academic habits, like learning to read, to do math, to study art, to comprehend...etc...

But this isn't a blog post to plug Poiema School or Charlotte Mason, though I do love both!  This is a blog post to talk about how this concept of habit forming has been changing the way I think.

Jude reads his card to his 95 year old great grandfather

It's Hard Work to Get Good At Something
I watch my seven-year-old struggle with his math homework. He's pretty good at adding and subtracting, but as soon as we put multiple columns and stack more than two numbers together, his brain freezes.  He knows 10 + 10 and he knows 20+5, but when you put 10+10+5 in front of him, he gets noticeably anxious.  It looks big and scary to him.

Should it scare him?  No.  It's simple, right?

But he hasn't mastered the simplicity of it yet.  Something hasn't clicked in his brain.  And in order for it to click, we need to practice those kinds of problems over and over again.  It's okay when he gets the answer wrong.  Dan and I don't make him feel stupid--because he's not.  He just needs more practice.  It's okay if he reaches a breaking point where his head hurts and he needs to take a break from it.  Take a break, but let's come back to it and keep trying.

Jude struggles to do math.  He struggles to read.  But he won't always struggle in this way.  One day he will look at 10+10+5 and, without even needing to think, know the answer is 25.  One day, he will read without having to sound out every word.  He will write like I am writing now...without thought for "how do I spell that?" or "how is that letter formed?"

I think Jude has a natural propensity toward rhythm and drumming.  Since he was a baby he has been drumming perfect beats to music.  What then shall we do?  Not give him drum lessons and say, "You don't need them, honey.  No one needs to teach you, because God has given you a gift."  Not have him practice?  "You don't need to practice, Jude.  This is the way you were born."  No...even the natural God-given gifts need practice to become good habits.  And...aren't practicing and learning great habits in and of themselves?

I think sometimes we look at healthy people and say, "They're just naturally healthy."  Or we see our own abilities and say, "That comes naturally to me, so I don't need to spend time on that."

Habits don't come "naturally"--even if people say they're a "natural" at something.  Everything requires practice.

Kate and her friend practice their letters

How Can I Adopt Habits of Health?
A habit is a propensity to respond to a given situation in a certain way.  The more deeply ingrained a habit, the more consistent the response.  Because it's habitual, I don't need to think about the response.  It happens automatically, because a neuromuscular habit has been formed in my brain.

For 20 years, I had some really terrible habits of health.

• I ate a lot of junk food and developed a love for it.
• I overate constantly
• I ate in secrecy, in darkness
• I hid wrappers so no one would know how much I ate (I lied)
• I finished every meal with a dessert
• I sat in front of the TV and stuffed my face
• I ate in the car--cramming cheeseburgers and french fries down the hatch in 5 minutes flat
• I didn't do any activity and spent my days sitting
• I got very little sleep, staying up as late as I could for "me time" and hitting the snooze for an hour every dreaded morning
• I didn't manage my stress and habitually had panic attacks

So, the last two years, I've set out to learn new habits.  And for awhile it was AWESOME because those habits were producing results I wanted to see in my life.  But when the results were no long enough motivation, the tenacity of those habits became strained.  The rails that my train had been running on hit a "switch" and I started running down some old familiar tracks again.

Did you know that when a habit is formed it actually changes the gray matter in your brain?

The more you repeat an activity, the network of brain cells (neurons) that work together to perform that activity fire more frequently and easily the next time.  Hebb's law.  Brain cells that fire together are wired together.  So, the more often I repeat an activity, the easier that activity becomes.  If I do something once (eat ice cream OR walk away from the dessert table), the neutrons want to do it a second time.  If I do it again, then it's easier to do it the third time.  We are in the process of getting a new brain every time we learn something.

Huh.  I didn't know that. I learned that through Charlotte Mason and Bill & Maryellen St. Cyr with Ambleside Schools International.

So, is it normal to think that I would return to old habits?  Yes.

In the past, I would have called this FAILURE.

But what IS failure?

I just need to get back on the right track.  And I can do that, because I've laid good track in the past, and I can lay good track again.  I just need to go back to PRACTICING the habits I want in my life.  The more I practice them, the easier they become.

I was told years ago that I have a "Compulsive Eating Disorder."  I found that helpful, when I wanted to find an explanation for why I ate so much.  But it didn't serve me when it came to wanting to change.

As Bill St. Cyr points out, "If I frame the poor behavior as a habit, then there is something I can do about it.  But if I frame is as a medical diagnosis or a disorder, then I am stuck.  I become a victim of my neurobiology.  We may have a brain that isn’t well-tooled for healthy habits, but if we practice habits…we can retrain our brain."

So, I will not lose heart.  I will be like the second grader learning to read.  I won't go stomping off angry and saying, "I can't do this!  I TOLD you I can't do this!  I will always be fat." (Well...some days I might!)

I will preserve.  I will do the homework assigned to me, even if it means I miss out on playtime.  I will struggle through it with the support of people who love me and can encourage me to keep going.  I will not speak poorly of myself and tell myself that I am stupid (or made-to-be-fat)--because I am not.

I will practice!

I will practice...

• Eating 6 small, healthy meals a day
• Drinking water
• Getting activity into my day
• Going to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep
• Saying "no" so I am not overwhelmed and overly stressed
• Breathing
• Love

When I look at it this way, it doesn't matter how long it takes me to make these habits stick...I know I can keep practicing them and valuing their importance in my life.

For more information on "What is A Habit" by Bill St. Cyr--here is his 8 minute video:

No Man Left Behind

This is why support is so important on this journey.  You should never, ever be alone.

Today, again, I realized the amazing family I have in my TSFL team of friends.  With the exception of one, I would never have known these ladies if I had not started this journey.

I reached out and shared my heart and within 30 minutes, one of them was at my door with her arms open to hug me and listen.  When she left, God gave me a picture...which, I shared with them.

Just had a beautiful time with one of you--thank you, Friend, for dropping whatever you were doing and (once again) coming to sit by my side! You guys know I'm not a quitter and certainly not easily defeated.  

I have a picture of a girl muddy, worn out, some blood running down her leg and it's raining on her. She is laying out flat on a trail. Thoughts come into her mind that it's not worth it to keep going--but she knows who she is and who she was created to be. She's going to fly. God's already promised her that. And just when she is wondering how she will get up, as she spits rain from her mouth and feels the sting of her injuries...some people come--friends. They have gone ahead of her on the trail, but like in the marines, they refuse to leave one behind. They come for her. They clean her up--they don't push her to run again, but they help her to stand up. They help assess the damage. They help bandage some wounds. They offer their shoulders as a crutch and they go with her...slowly, at her pace. Thank you for being those friends! Thank you for coming back for me...

My health coach is my lifeline.  I knew that from the first week or so I started this journey.  What I didn't know is that I would become connected with a group of people who would be there for me through thick and thin.  Who would sit at my side when I was in a hospital bed (literally!) and who would come to my rescue when I was weak and weary.  I am so blessed!

Thank you to Shirley, Beth, Audrey and Freda!  Life is better with you in it.

The Feelings Fluctuate Always...ALWAYS.

Last year, I had the honor of walking alongside a college student as she battled for self control in her eating. I know she was often discouraged by our conversation, because she just desperately wanted to shake a magic wand and be done with entrapment to food and to lose weight--of which she did not have a huge amount to lose.  I had the greatest respect for this young lady.  First, she wanted to do something about her health BEFORE it became a really big issue in her life.  Secondly, she wanted to change and she knew that somehow that change had to happen INSIDE her.

She would often get frustrated with our conversations, because I was committed to her heart changing, not just to her body.  

Yesterday, she sent me the best email from Spain, where she is working for the year.  It is clear she has done a lot of soul searching there.  Her words to me where incredibly inspiring to me and I am sure they will be to anyone who is reading this.

With her permission, I am sharing parts of her letter here...

I thought a lot this summer and while I am here in Spain about what you always told me about losing weight being about the heart and mind change rather than the physical. I remember that concept always frustrated me because I wanted..and want...to lose weight. It was, and is, sometimes so hard to think that losing weight can NOT be my focus. 

This summer and this fall I am beginning to understand better what you have been trying to tell me. I don't know how to say it except that I see a little bit better that as I forget about the weight and focus on the change of eating with self control...that's when superficial things begin to change. But the lasting change begins in the heart, not with the pounds. Anyways, I am still learning that and need to be reminded of that but I wanted to thank you for always pointing me to that when I wanted to focus more on the weight loss than the journey and the heart and mind change. When I believe rightly about God and desire rightly His ways, my life will change for the better in every way.

Secondly, I wanted to encourage you on your journey to health. I know right now is so many ways it can feel hard to get up and start again, right? Maybe you feel like you have been at the beginning before and now you are there again and old fears are there and past failures seem so big. But I hope you know that your journey is not starting over but continuing. You know, I have been at taht "beginning" feeling so many times. And every time I am so sad to think that I failed and I am back to square one again. But one day it dawned on me that I was not back to square one at all. 

Let me tell you a quick story:

I relate everything in life to running. I feel like so much of what I learn, I can understand better when I put in into running terms. So one day I was thinking over my running career and relating it to my eating struggles. 

When I started running I was fearless. There was a naive sense of enjoyment I found in running. Workouts didn't scare me, races were fun, etc. But I remember the older and faster I got, the harder it became. I began to lose that sense of fearlessness in running. Workouts began to scare me and races...well they freaked me out. 

I remember I hit my wall my junior year. I was running at an invitational and I was neck-and-neck with the first place runner as we passed the half way point to the mile. 

Leading up to that point I was telling myself I was too tired and this was too hard. Suddenly, after we passed the half way point, I just walked off the track. I had let my mind get the better of me and I had literally stopped believing I could run the race. I just ran to my parents and cried. My coach had no idea what was wrong either. 

That Monday my coach simply said to me, "I have no idea what happened on Saturday but you can never do that again or I cannot let you run the mile anymore." My heart sank. It was a gracious response, but I was struggling so much. 

I remember the weeks and months that followed. It seemed that my running career went backwards. Every workout and race was terribly hard. Over the summer I would stop in the middle of a run crying. Or just jog so slowly so that I could just finish the run. I thought I would never run again. I could not get the fear out of my mind. 

Over the weeks and months, God also worked in my heart. I began to draw closer to Him and desperately cling to Him in my weakness. And slowly the victory began to be outward as well. My senior year, a friend of mine from another school said to me, "You have gotten so FAST this year!" 

I knew it was that I had begun to find my trust and peace in God, and that gave me power to literally run the race.

This fall marked 10 years since I started Cross Country in school. As I reflected on that I realized that even after 10 years there are days when running is HARD. There are days when I cry or when I just need to jog to finish a run. Then there are days when I feel amazing and want to run forever. 

The feeling fluctuate always...ALWAYS. 

But what I have been learning in running is that I need to run regardless of how I feel. I must workout even when I feel scared or tired or lonely. And its not about the times I run...its about the heart. Its that I get out there each day and run with heart. Finishing is the most important thing. The times and the confidence will come...maybe in fluctuations..but they will come. Its perseverance that is key.

And as I thought about that with running I realized it is the same with eating. 

When we have moments of failure they don't have to remain that way. My horrible race, and consequent races and workouts, have all been part of what taught (and still teach) me things in running. 

In the same way, our bad days eating...

If we do cave and give in we can repent, learn from that mistake, and keep going. Its all a learning process getting us to learn more deeply the heart issues. And our feelings will always fluctuate. Some days we will want to eat healthfully and other days we'll want to eat a whole cake. But in the end its not about how we feel, its simply about what we choose to do. 

Of course, I am still struggling with this. My time here in Spain has been a real battle. But I am beginning to believe this with all my heart. Jesus made us free, Jesus wants us free, Jesus helps us to be free, but we must choose it..and not all at once...one choice..one moment at a time. The feels and desires to overeat may never completely go away in this life, but the choice to say no can always be ours. Just like I may always struggle with wanting to go for a run, but I can always choose to do it. Some days it will be easy and other days I will cry every step I take..but we must persevere. We CAN persevere.

Anyhoo, I am writing to you as one who is struggling and has often been discouraged, but also one who is with you on this journey to find freedom and health! 

Reminds me of this song from 10th Avenue North, "The Struggle"

There's a wreckage, there's a fire
There's a weakness in my love
There's a hunger I can't control
Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

So I look, do I still fail
Do I withhold, do I still give into temptation
On my own I am bankrupt
I will trust You, I'll take you at your word
You promise

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

Hallelujah, death is overcome
and we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
a flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
and we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
can you feel it?

Hallelujah, death is overcome
and we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
a flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
and we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
can you feel it?

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

All Things New...

It's freezing here this morning.  The kind of freezing that makes you jump back in your bed, pull up the covers and never come out.  The kind of freezing where, if you were dragged out from under the covers, you certainly take the covers with you, so as not to accumulating frost on anything other than your nose!

There are seasons in our life that are like this morning.  Cold.  Frigid. Get-back-under-the-blanket kind of seasons.

I know, because I've just had one.

We don't plant gardens in the cold, do we?  We plant in the pleasant months, so the roots will take hold and be able to withstand the fierce cold winter--and then regrowth happens again in the spring and summer months.

I had good seeds planted in my life over the last two years.  I've learned what healthy eating looks like and how to think differently about my choices.  I've grown more confident, more compassionate, more capable.  But even in our most thriving seasons, harsh winters can be right around the corner.

I find it very common, particularly for women who have a lot of weight to lose, that something happens in their head when they cross out of the 200's and into the 1's.  I see it nearly 100% of the time.  Some kind of fear happens.  Fear...and also contentment.

For most women, they didn't think that day would ever happen.  And then it does.  And it's amazing!  And terrifying.

It was for me.

I lost almost 120 pounds and then realized two things:
1) I didn't know who I was as an adult at any weight less than that.  Rediscovering myself was terrifying.

2) The girl I was that weighed less than that was not the woman I ever wanted to be again.  But she's all I knew.

I decided, somewhat indecisively, that I would take a break from weight loss.  I was okay with that.  No one can argue that losing 120 pounds is a significant change for the body and for the mind.  So, around Christmas of 2012, I set out to just maintain my weight loss for a time.  Again, I'm not sure I was clear in my mind that this was what I wanted or needed to do, but I was stuck and there was some "force field" that seemed to be standing between me and my goals.  I'm not a quitter though.  Force fields can't keep me from getting what I want.  They only force me to re-strategize!

July 2012

From December to September I did great.  Sure, I'd go up a few pounds, but then I'd go down a few pounds.  I was faithful to my health goals and to applying all that I had learned.  I stayed in contact with my health coach--closely.  I noticed that though my weight was holding steady, my body continued to shrink and change.  

Looking back over my blog the past year, I can see that God showed me some of the richest truths during this past year.  There were times when I wanted to keep going, to just lose more weight, but each attempt I would try to get back on that path would be met with obstacles that seemed to say, "Stay where you are.  I'm not done with you here."

It's amazing I held my weight in April when Dan came home and said he was laid off from his job.  Finances stress me out.  But, we saw God's provision for us and we both dove into getting other people healthy together.  Money was tight, but we were full of faith!

My shoulder blades started aching in April.  I wrote it off at first.  The pain would come and go.  It was annoying for sure, and sometimes hurt so badly that I would be in bed for a day or two...but I was positive that it was nothing major.

Summer came and my pain continued.  It would be here for a week or two and then it would be gone, only to return a few weeks later.  It was starting to wear on me.  But, still, I kept holding steady and practicing the habits of health.  Then, Dan's unemployment was challenged--thousands of dollars withheld from us, appeal processes which were approved, thousands of dollars released to us only to be revoked again with court appearances to ensure Dan would still get paid and we would not have to return the money they had given us.  It was S-T-R-E-S-S.  Still, I kept eating well and kept my body moving.  Until Labor Day weekend 2013....

I landed in the hospital.  WHAT?!  The pain in my back had gotten the best of me and I was scared it might be something more than just some "pain"--I was scared of things like bone cancer, even heart disease (as the pain was on my left side and had started to radiate down the arm and across the chest).  Tests showed fluid on my lungs and heart.  This seemed serious.  And I was caught off guard by all that came next.  Words like "heart disease"; "autoimmune disorder"; "lupus"; and "all forms of cancer" were thrown out and into the air like they were pretty bubbles being blown by children on a warm sunny day.  They floated effortlessly out of the mouths of doctors and popped in my face and in my heart.

I remember the night.  I had just been admitted to the hospital, it was late at night, Dan had left, the doctor who saw me was brutal and I hadn't eaten anything since 3:30 that afternoon.  To help wipe away my tears, the nurse brought me a dinner box at 11pm.  It had a sandwich in it, with graham crackers and some other carbohydrate.  She dimmed the lights and let me alone with my food box.  And I ate it.

I hadn't eaten anything resembling that box of food in a very, very long time.  Sure, I had introduced some carbs into my daily intake, but it was always just simple things like sushi or a whole grain wrap.  Nothing like I ate that night.  And, I determined after eating it that I would stay close to my healthy eating while I was there.  And I did.

But the uncertainties of my health, the compounding financial stress that now shifted from unemployment disputes to medical/insurance disputes...it all got the best of me.  I was heading down a very unhealthy mental path.  And the mind was about to drag the rest of me with it.  Powerful, powerful leader--that mind!

From September to November, the frigid winter hit me.  I wanted to run back under the covers and never come out. My physical pain continued, the diagnosis's trails were leading nowhere...it was cold, frost-filled, and bitter.

And I began to eat.

I was still talking to my health coach, never quitting, always trying to figure out how I could get out of this pit I'd fallen into.  But it has been humbling to gain weight---all while helping others lose theirs!  It has been humbling to not fit into any clothing in my closet because I preach the message to "get rid of it so you can never go back to it."  It has been humbling to realize that for all the good work I have done in my life, I can go back to my old habits like the turn of a key.

And then last Tuesday I had a meltdown.  Julie & the Whale happened.  And it was glorious, my friends.  Horribly glorious.  It was a year's worth of searching for answers that all came spewing out in one day.  Sorry for this graphic analogy, but it's like having a really upset stomach, finally throwing up, and now feeling better.  I purged something essential on Tuesday.

It took a few days to process.  But this morning I woke up and felt like spring is coming again.  Ironic, since, in the real world, it's the coldest day we've had this year and my hands are freezing as I type this.

Reality check.  I have 85 pounds now that I now still need to lose.  85 pounds!

It's time.

And although I am writing about now, I know that I must begin this final leg of my journey in quietness.  Just like I began the first part of the journey.  I must walk in a quiet grace.  I must be gentle with myself...and quiet. I must be honest.  And this time will need to be about ME again--not about everyone else.

Am I nervous?  Scared?  Heck yeah!

But I know that God makes all things new and beautiful in His time.  And I have the mercy of knowing what is possible...because I've already done it!

Dear reader, thank you for cheering for me and for always loving ME.  Thank you for praying for me--that is my greatest need right now.

Here's to the final 85.  Let's do this thing...

Julie & The Whale

Yesterday was a day I never want to live again.  It is also a day I don't regret.

Kate brought me her Bible at breakfast.  "Read to me, Mommy?" she asked.

She opened the Bible to the story of Jonah.  I love the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I see Scripture in very meaningful ways when I read it.  Jonah said "no" to God.  Jonah stood in judgement of others and felt the people of Ninevah didn't deserve God's forgiveness.  Jonah stood in fear---Ninevah was a bad place full of bad people.  God said "Go to Ninevah."  Jonah said, "No."  (That's a summary of what I read...plus the rest of the story)

I closed the book and felt grateful that I had said "yes" to God.

What happened next was horrific!

Can we agree that this is my blog and I can be honest here with all of you?  Okay, good.  If you can't agree to that, there is a little X somewhere on your screen where you can just leave now.  No hard feelings.

Every single day, getting my kids out the door to school is like a battle ground.  It starts with a simple request like, "Okay, it's time to come get your shoes on now."

It typically ends with something that resembles a small (but bloody) civil war.

"I'm NOT going to school!  You CAN'T make me!  I HATE school. I HATE you."

Wow--all this rage over "time to get your shoes on."  Hmmm...

And it's not just one child.  It's both.

I've seen God's grace, as this has been nearly every single day since September.  I also see the lies they tell.  They both LOVE school and can hardly tear themselves away at the end of the day.  They have friends and bubble over with tales of both learning and play.  No mercy though--the next day will be met with the same battle.

Yesterday, a flash went through my head.  "I am not starting another day like this.  This is a horrible, terrible way to start one's day...EVERY day."  So, yesterday, forget the civil war--I launched a nuclear bomb to end it all.

Would you like to talk about all the items I threw?  Would you like to know the venom I spewed from my mouth at my five year old daughter?  Would you like to know how severe the rage was?  Well...too bad.  I'm not going to tell you.  I will only assure you that no one got hurt--well, not physically--and that my seven year old didn't even know anything had happened.

I locked myself in a room and called my husband.  I was sobbing so hard I could hardly speak.

"I'm looooooooosing my m-m-m-m-ind.  I caaaaaan't d-d-d-o this anymore."

I'm not sure there were any other words on my part.  Just heavy, heaving sobs.  The kind of crying that hurts the entire body.

Like a hero straight from a Disney movie, my husband whisked up his cape*, jumped on his white steed** and galloped to our castle*** in 2.5 seconds.****

*his woolen winter coat **his crappy old (but-eternally-grateful-it's-still-running!) silver car ***sped like a race car demon to our little city row home ****in about 5 minutes

While I waited, my sweet daughter knocked on my door.  In a voice that only angels have, she said, "Mama, please don't cry."  I opened the door and she came in to rub my back and hug me.  "Please don't cry, Mama.  Please don't cry."  But I couldn't stop crying and saying, "I'm so sorry, Baby!  I'm so, so sorry!"

Dan pealed my arms off my daughter and called for my son (who had stomped off to the basement five minutes earlier...missed the nuclear attack...and really thought his Mom wasn't going to make him go to school today.  Huh. Total guy-moment!)  Dan took the children to school and then returned only to find his wife on the living room floor with a gentle black dog licking away her tears.

He sat down beside me.  In silence.

And then I spoke.

"I hate myself.  I hate my life!  I hate being a mother.  I hate what it has done to me.  I love our kids, but I don't want to be their mother!!!  I don't want to clean this (expletive) house!  I can't stand this house.  I do everything I can to avoid it.  For the past two years I have been running away.  Running away from you.  Running away from the kids.  Running away from this house.  And I hate myself for it.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't pretend that I love my life when I really, really hate all of it.  I can't keep escaping into the land of Facebook and email and health coaching...and just ignoring everything else, hoping it will all just go away.  But I don't know how to be present in my life.  I don't know how to be okay with this life that God has given me.  I don't know how to be a good mom to these kids.  I don't know how to be a better wife to you.  I don't know how to keep a clean house.  I don't know how to change."  More sobbing.  More very, very loud sobbing.

More tender husband rubbing my back and my arms, looking at me with such love.  How can he look on me with that kind of love when I am such a wreck?!

"We will change together," he told me.  "We are in this together."

The few hours that followed were sweet.  I couldn't stop crying--wallowing, groaning.  My rock, my husband, held me and walked me through the next steps.  Maybe I'll talk about those hours another time.  I want to get what I learned...

I learned that outside change--losing over 100 pounds--does not change my heart.
I learned that I can change my clothing, but I am powerless on my own to change my anger and my sin.
I learned that I have not said "yes" to God.  I have said, like Jonah, a big fat "NO!"
I learned that I have not been honest until yesterday.  And that being honest with yourself (and with others) is super important to allow change to happen.

Let me tell you a story...
Julie & The Whale

God had a job for JULIE.  But Julie didn't want it.

"Be a mother," God said. "and tell your children--who will feel like your worse enemies some days--that I love them."

"No!" said Julie.  "They are difficult children with their own minds.  They do bad things and make my life hard.  They manipulate me and control me."

"Exactly," said God.  "They are far from me, but I love them.  I will give them salvation.  I will forgive their sins...but you must be their mother."

"No!" said Julie.  "I can't do it!"

I'll run away, thought Julie. Far away. So far away that God won't be able to find me.  Then I won't have to do what God says!  It's a good plan! Julie thought, because as far as SHE knew...it was a good plan.

But of course, it wasn't a good plan at all.  It was a silly plan (because you can run away from God, but he will always come and find you.)

Julie went ahead with her not-very-good plan. She poured herself into her weight loss (that seemed like a great idea...and look how great it was working!), she poured herself into the lives of others (look how honorable she was!), she painted pretty pictures of God's truths and a happy family on Facebook.  She boarded a proverbial boat sailing in the very opposite direction of motherhood.

And then, one day, a fierce wind blew and the boat started to lurch and pitch and roll.  Julie started to cry.  Her not-so-very-good-plan had caused God to send a storm.  The boat was sinking--and if the boat sank, people would die and everything would be lost.  

WAKE UP, JULIE!  DO THE RIGHT THING!

"Throw me overboard," Julie insisted.  "Throw me in the water and the storm will stop!  It is the only way."

And so...into the water she went.

No sooner did she hit the water than the waves grew calm, the wind died and the storm stopped.  Just when Julie thought it was all over, just when she thought she was sure she was going to drown, God sent a big fish to rescue her.  The fish swallowed Julie whole--with one big gulp.

I had never seen the whale as God's salvation for Jonah before.  I just through it was punishment for Jonah, actually.  But it wasn't.  It was provision.  Three days in a dark, stinky, lonely, cold place.  A place where he could reflect and realize he was sorry for running away from God.  Where he could ask God to forgive him.  Where he could begin to make his plans to go where God had called him--if he ever got out of that fish!

What's really cool is that because of what had happened, Jonah had an awesome message to take to the people at Ninevah.  "Even though you've run far from God, he can't stop loving you!  Run to him!  So he can forgive you!"  And Jonah knew it was true--because Jonah had just experienced it for himself.

I'm hanging out in the belly of a whale right now.  I'm recovering from saying "No" and running from God.  God can't stop loving me though.  And I know the whale will spit me out and I will have an even better story to share with my children and with others.

Listen, my weight loss has been GREAT!  I am so thankful to God for it and, Lord willing, He will allow me to continue my weight loss and get to a healthy weight.  But I need to remember that it pales in comparison to being healthy in my spirit--and knowing the gift of salvation!

I want to change my heart, as I change my body.  Because what is my body but an outer shell that is withering away?  But my soul will go on forever.

I want to say "yes" to God.  To what HE wants, not what I want.

I want to love others and serve them, of course...but I am called to love and serve Jude & Kate and my precious husband and our home first.  I need to stop running away from that.

I don't think saying "Yes" to God means I stop my weight loss journey.  I don't think saying "Yes" to God means I quit health coaching.  I think saying "Yes" to God means life gets FULLER and more ABUNDANT.

I feel new mercies from God this morning.  I cried ALL day yesterday and grieved my life.  I still don't know how to change.  But I know this...

I have a husband who is willing to change with me and who looks on me with those tender eyes of love when I am the most unlovely.

I have two children who forgive me and who still giggled with me and hugged me last night.

I have a savior who can't stop loving me, no matter how far I run.

If those aren't things that are GOOD and worth living for--I don't know what is!

Gratitude for What We Have

Yesterday, I went where few people will dare to go. I went to a maximum security state prison to visit a 26-year-old friend who is serving 2 life sentences plus 19 years (um...how is that even possible!). Everything about David's life on the outside looked charming. He comes from a middle-class, white family who live in one of the most charming small towns in Pennsylvania. He grew up in the church, was homeschooled his whole life, had Christian friends and many positive influences in his life. David's story always reminds me that we are one bad (sinful) choice away from devastating consequences. And even David's prison sentence is mercy compared to the penalty our sin deserves. We don't often remember that, though, in the moments when we choose our fleshly desires over God's desires for us, do we?

David can't undo his consequences. He can't undo what he did that sent him there. He can't look back--he can only look forward. He has been chosen to be a missionary in a very dark, lonely place, where most Christians can't "get in." He chooses every day to live His life for God NOW. He knows what Paul means in Phil 3:14 when he says: "But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Yesterday, I asked David what is the worst part about being a prisoner. This is what he said, "It isn't the terrible food, the lack of choices, the prison wear, the inside politics and threats, the lack of technology...it's being separated from the people I love the most. THAT is the worst punishment ever."

Dear ones, as the holidays approach, let us learn from David. Our family and loved ones are what actually matter most to us. We should cherish them and prize them and appreciate them. Time spent with others is more than food--it is about loving and being loved. We are so blessed that we have choices. That we can choose the clothing we wear, what we will do and when, what we will eat and drink, where we will worship (and that we can worship in the open and not in secrecy), who we spend time with, how often we talk on the phone...

Count your blessings today. We are NOT prisoners! We are FREE!!! Even free from the bondage of sin which so easily entangles us. Free from the emotional eating. Free from addictions. Free from our rebellious nature which says, "I'll have what *I* have want, when *I* want it." Because Christ has set us free! Walk away from your chains...be free!

What Should I Eat?

For as far as I've come, food is still a big temptation for me.  I lived, basically, my entire life running to it to "solve" all of my problems.  The compulsion to go back to it is still present.  But I am determined to not bow down to this idol.

This week I was challenged to find 5 ladies who would faithfully pray for me.  The spurring came out of this scripture from James 5:

¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
¹⁷ Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. ¹⁸ Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.
¹⁹ My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back,²⁰ remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.'

Is anyone is trouble...is anyone happy...is anyone sick... What should he do?  For my whole life, my answer would be "he should eat!"  But, no, my friends!  THIS IS TRUTH--he should pray.  He should sing songs of praise.  He should go to others for prayer.  He should confess.

When the people were bowing down to the false God "Baal"--what did Elijah do?  He prayed.  And God answered and showed himself to BE THE ONE TRUE GOD!

The ladies I implored to pray for me immediately responded, like an emergency crew responding to a 9-1-1 call.  They came back to me with commitment and encouragement.  And I know their prayers will be powerful and effective, because God said they would in James 5.

I am doing a Bible Study with my sister and some of her friends that has really been encouraging to me. The actual study is great, but what has encouraged my heart the most is the Bible study technique that I have learned. I've been able to really open up God's word and read it in a very fresh, new way. Beth also has taught us that whenever we are referring to scripture to always note its "address" and to say, "This is Truth"--which is so helpful. I think this is why I have the faith that I DO have right now.

It's been very quiet around my house the past few days and I've found myself a little bored. (Believe it or not!) In those times, my first instinct isn't always to do something to dig deeper into God. My first instinct is not to pray.  I do believe God is giving me this quietness so that I DO come to Him though. So, my obedience with my time will be something I need to practice.

I was just on my way to listen to a message when I stopped to check email...and then I started blogging. Hmmm...I guess, I also need to practice not allowing myself to be distracted! :)

Today I am setting my mind on the temptation of Jesus when he was truly hungry (thank you, Kelley!)--when He replied saying, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. (Matt 4:4--AND THIS IS TRUTH!) This wasn't just a "Jesus-thing" because he was quoting old testament scripture when he said it. So, I know that it is a Truth God has for me. For ALL of us!