Monday, February 2, 2015

Finding Fun Again


Here we are again.  Another cold Pennsylvania winter--and I just cannot get warm.  I don't like winter.  That's no secret.

In the winter, being active looks like climbing out from under a big blanket and walking to the kitchen for another cup of coffee--and then back again.  Brrrr....

Two years ago I loved dancing with my kids!


This winter, my kids are really encouraging me by the activity they are finding (and loving) despite the freezing days we've had.  In fact, almost every day they come home from school with excitement to turn on some music and have a dance party.  This isn't just crazy time, either.  The kids really WANT to learn some hip hop moves, so I often find them watching videos that explain how to do the "Robo Cop" or the "Running Man."  It cracks me up!  They even get our fourteen-year-old neighbor in on their dance parties.  It is serious business, and about an hour into it they are begging for shorts and tank tops because they've worked up such a sweat.

Kate has also found a love for yoga.  Oh to be a flexible child again!  The things she can do just amaze me.  Yoga is one form of exercise I really enjoy as well, but while I'm struggling to stay upright while attempting to hold the "tree" position, my six-year-old just launches right into the pose and looks like she could hold that thing all day.

The kids also have their hearts set on going to Ballocity again this year for their upcoming birthdays.  Ballocity is this HUGE indoor playground that even adults can enjoy.  It's all about climbing and crawling and sliding--and avoiding the foam balls that are being shot in your general direction.  When I was at my healthier weight, I had a blast with my kids inside the tubes.  We played hide-and-go-seek and scared the dickens out of each others.  We laughed and sweat and had FUN!

No amount of cold will stop him.
It's not just indoor fun that gets the kids moving and active.  Jude and Dan went to Avalanche Express a few weekends ago to do some tubing.  Jude had a goal to climb the trail and tube down 20 times.  He did it!  Not Dan.  He had fun, but he was whipped after about time #8.

I love that kids don't tire easily!  I love how focused they get on the things they want, and also how much fun they have moving and being active.  I have so much to learn from my kids!

I miss being at my healthier weight.  I need to get back there.  I HAVE to.  I see the smile on my face as I look at old pictures--and I want that again.

But I also miss being a kid.

When did I stop wanting to be a kid?  When did I stop loving things like sledding and running back up the hill with my sled in tow?  When did I stop having dance parties or stretching my body in crazy directions just because it was fun to do?  How can I find my love for these things again?  How can I find FUN?

I somehow think winter would be much more fun if I would dig out from under the blanket and have some FUN.  I would feel a lot better and remember that being active is an important part of health and overall attitude.

It's hard to do though, isn't it?  But why?  Why is doing what's good for us so much of a struggle?

I'm going to challenge myself to look for the fun in February.  "FUN FEBRUARY" I'm going to call it.  If being active isn't fun, I know I won't continue doing it.  So....where are you, Fun?  Come out, come out wherever you are!  I'm going to find you!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

People-Pleasers Unite!


I am a total people-pleaser.  I work really hard to always look inwardly at how I can be growing and changing...become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, follower of Christ.  It's hard work, honestly.  Tiring.  Problematic at times, and at other times really a great asset.  I'm very aware of people's feelings and perceptions.  My intuition is quite in tune and my radar is always up.

I love it when people like me, when they think what I have to say is valuable and important, when they agree with me, when they compliment me. I don't love it when someone disagrees with me, talks behind my back, confronts me harshly to my face (or over social media--which is sometimes worse, because people feel like they can say whatever they want to say as if because it's on social media it doesn't hurt like heck). 

I don't love it when someone belittles me, ignores me, puts me off, or just doesn't like me in general. These kind of things doesn't usually make me feel anger, they makes me feel hurt or sometimes guilt or shame or misplaced trust. (You get what I'm saying?) 

When people aren't pleased with me, I long to be comforted--and not by other people, but by food. But food is not comfort, my friends. Going to food for comfort is like sleeping with the enemy. Someone made me feel bad, so I gravitate to food which makes me feel worse in the end. 

Blog Readers, how do you guys handle criticism, character attacks or the loss of friendship? 

What are some healthy ways for the people-pleaser to move through life? Any thoughts?

By the way--nothing particular has happened to me recently to provoke these thoughts. I've just been thinking...

"Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful." 1 Cor 1:27


Monday, January 12, 2015

I'm Thankful For...Healthy Food


As I mentioned on last week's post, we started a Gratitude Jar for our family.  At dinner each night we ask the children what they are thankful for that day.  Imagine my happy surprise when our six-year-old writes this: I am thankful for "Healthy Foods."  (Remember, this is our candy-loving-girl!)

I know that Mama plays a huge role on influencing the family.  This is very true about her influence over the children and what they eat.  It is typically Mama who is making meals for the family and doing the grocery shopping, so she has the power to decide what selections to offer the kids.

I watched my kids follow me into poor eating habits.  But I've also watched them follow me out of them too.  I will never forget when one of them ordered celery as their side dish, when she could have chosen french fries or mashed potatoes.  I will also never forget the look of disbelief on their grandmother's face when my child asked for broccoli to go along with his meal.  Or the time when my son asked if he could order a salad for lunch when we were out for my sister's birthday--and then ate the whole thing.  I'm very fortunate to have children who are willing to try new foods and who enjoy healthy options.  

Now, it's important that I continue to model the best choices available by consistently choosing them for myself.


Jude (almost 4) & Kate (almost 2) helping in the kitchen.  It's a little messy...especially Kate's face!  They still both love to help me make delicious meals.
One of the things I've tried to do, even from when they were a young age, is let them help me in the kitchen.  It often makes for a bigger mess or for errors in the cooking, but its okay.  They LOVE to help.  And it's funny how a child will try spaghetti squash when she's the one who has helped scrape it from its shell.  (I mean, that is really cool, isn't it?)

Before I started this post, I asked the kids what their favorite healthy meal is and they both said "SALAD!"  They really love it when I offer a salad bar so they can pick their own toppings.  The kids feel like they are control of their meal.  Since I'm the one who is actually in charge of what is offered, I make sure to put lots of healthy choices on the salad bar--because let's be honest, we know how it's possible to turn a salad completely unhealthy, don't we?  They love some eggs for protein (and they don't actually LIKE the yokes); nuts; fruits; and, of course, lots of colorful veggies!

There are other healthy things we make together that they love.  

Here are two favorites:


BANANA COOKIES (No sugar added!)


My kids don't like bananas, but they love these cookies!  Since they don't like bananas, we often have several over-ripe bananas laying around.  These cookies are the perfect way to use them.  The kids could almost make these without my help.  We use unsweetened applesauce--our own, if I've been ambitious enough to make it during apple harvest.  They don't prefer the nuts and raisins, so I don't insist on them.  What's a good chocolate chunk?  I dunno.  That's what the recipe says.  We just use whatever we have on hand.

My kids also thought they didn't like cauliflower...until we made THIS!


CAULIFLOWER PIZZA

Ingredients:
  • 4 cups riced cauliflower
  • 4 eggs, lightly beaten
  • 4 cups pizza blend grated cheese
  • 4 tsp dried oregano
  • 4 garlic cloves, crushed
  • 1 pinch salt
Method:
Step 1. To rice cauliflower, roughly chop 1 head cauliflower.  
Step 2. Place in the food processor and pulse 8-10 times. Repeat with the rest of the cauliflower. (My food process has a safety guard, so my kids LOVE to help with this.)
Step 3. Place in a lidded dish and microwave for 10 minutes. Now you have riced cauliflower. 
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Step 4. In a big bowl, mix four cups of riced cauliflower, egg and cheese until combined. Add the oregano, garlic and salt and mix until combined. (This is a great step for child participation!)
Step 5. Place half of the mixture on each tray and pat into a thin, round shape.  OR divide the mixture and make separate crusts for each person.  Our children LOVE this option, and they love making the crust, because...who doesn't love to get their hands a little messy?!
Step 6. Bake for around 15-20 minutes until the base is golden. It may look a little burnt around the edges.  That's okay!  It will taste amazing!
Let the children choose their favorite pizza toppings.  I usually make my own sauce from diced tomatoes to be sure exactly what is in it.  Allow everyone to top their own pizza crust. Return them to the oven just until the cheese is melted.  Sometimes I will put it under the broiler to get the cheese bubbly and browned.  

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Seek HEALTH (not just weight loss)


One of the things that I love about the New Year is that it brings with it a fresh start and new opportunities.  This is something I've needed.  2014 was not a good year.  It actually started at the end of 2013 when I had a health scare, which, in the end turned, out to be nothing.

FALL 2013

"Julie, we're going to do some blood work to 'rule out' some of the bigger things like various forms of cancers.  We'll let you know once we have those results."

I like how they say "rule out."  Isn't it like a 50/50 thing?  You're either going to rule it out or you're going to find out this is what it is.

So, I asked, "How long will it take to get the results?"

The answer? "At least a week, maybe longer."

TORTURE.  A week that included also being poked and prodded and inserted with dyes.  A week to think about my mom having breast cancer when I was in sixth grade--throwing up over chemo and losing all of her hair before my sister's wedding.  A full seven days or more to consider the long nights spent on a neighboring recliner next to my dad as he suffered from the affects of chemo and radiation with his thyroid cancer.  Plenty of time to think about how Dad couldn't swallow any longer and needed a feeding tube.  Days to let my mind wander to Dad's last days with us and how divine and special they were, but also how painful they were too.

A week or more.  To think about my kids.  To consider the moments I could miss in their lives.

I once saw a segment on Oprah about a dying woman who wrote letters and made videos for her daughter, since she knew she was going to die and wouldn't be able to tell her daughter everything she wanted to tell her at the most important moments in her life.  So, I began to consider my own letters and videos and what I should share with my kids.  (I know--it sounds dramatic, but this is all true.)

A week to turn over thoughts about my husband.  How grateful I am for this man.  How much I knew he would also suffer in loving me through the possible results and all that may follow.  I saw, first hand, how hard it was for my parents to see each other suffer.  We were too young to face this.  We hadn't had enough time together.

In that week of guessing and waiting, I couldn't see God's grace, honestly.  I don't think this was a statement of my own faith and trust in God.  All the results were in my imagination, and God didn't promise me grace for my imagination--he promised me grace for the moment when I would need it.

Fortunately, none of the things I feared were the answer.  The results were strange and simple.  All of my symptoms probably came as a result of a tumble I had taken a few years earlier down our basement steps--yes, I said a few YEARS earlier.

But here's what did come.  Depression.

2014: I NEED A DO-OVER!

Those who have followed my blog for the last three years know that I had lost a substantial amount of weight (120 pounds, to be exact).  I was supposed to be moving toward optimal health in my life.  I was the most vibrant I had been in years.  And then BOOM, that all changed.

The depression I experienced led me back to my old, faithful "friend"--food.  And when it led me down that path, my husband and my children linked arms with me and we walked together.  Dan started gaining weight, my son started to develop signs of anxiety, my daughter...well, she was pleased that candy could be one of the main food groups again...and I gained all of my weight back.

I don't want a repeat of 2014.  No way, man!  It's time to turn the page.

MY GOALS FOR MY FAMILY IN 2015


Seek HEALTH not just weight loss.  

It's time to learn and practice the Habits of Health this time around.  I know how to lose weight now, but I never really practiced how to BE HEALTHY.  This year we are going to really practice habits.  Which reminds me of this blog post: It's Just Practicing Habits  We don't have to be perfect at this, but we have to train with the end goal in mind.  We are running a marathon toward health, which requires the proper tools, a lot of training, a mind set on perseverance, discipline, and the belief that we can make it to the end goal.  I want the Garner Family to be healthy people--body, mind and spirit.

What does this practically look like for us?  

Eat Well.  

Healthy eating doesn't look like eating foods we don't enjoy, it means finding healthy foods we love and eating well.  

Mainly for me it will be Lean Proteins | Green Vegetables, but for my family it will also include "clean" foods like Fruits | Whole Grains | Healthy Dairy

We will eat 6 small meals a day, as opposed to the typical American 2-3.  This is very non-traditional, but we've done it before and I'm looking forward to us doing it again.  This includes packing healthier snacks and lunches for my kids at school.  

Sorry, Kate, but candy just got removed as a major food group.  But we WILL use Tiny Tastes to help make healthy eating fun for you!

Move It.  

I heard this morning that something like 15% of all gym memberships are purchased in January.  65% of gym members don't ever use the gym.  So, we will forego the gym membership and find lifestyle activity we all enjoy.  We will walk the dog.  (The dog is already wagging his tail!)  When the weather improves we will hike and explore, because this is something we LOVE to do. 


Meditate On It.  

Since I know I'm prone to depression, particularly in the winter months, I need to meditate my heart and mind on God's word.  I will need to actively seek inspiration and hope.  If I have any chance of persevering in the other areas, I need to keep my mind sharp and clear.  Dan and I have plans for working on this together, which makes me happy already.  We want our children to see that this is important to us, and also important for them.  So, I'm starting a gratitude jar, where we can give thanks for things instead of complaining.  

AND, I've been wanting to do this for about two years...

Revelation 5:8 says, "...and they held gold bowls filled with incense, which are the prayers of God's people."

It is just awesome to think of God collecting our prayers in gold bowls!

I've been wanting to create this visual for our family and this year I'm doing it.  We will place our prayers in a Gold Bowl in our home.  On New Year's Eve, we will usher in 2016 by emptying our gratitude jar and our prayer bowl. We will literally get to see how God has answered our prayers and all the many things we have to be grateful for as we look back on 2015.  These things will be like a sweet fragrance to our souls.  

I also plan to get back here to my blog more regularly so I can, once again, share all that I am learning!  My blog is having an identity crisis--so, I hope in 2015 it finds its identity again!  #bloggoals

I can envision running across the preverbal finish line of 2015 as a healthier, more vibrant, more grateful, more FREE person.   

How about you?  What are your goals for 2015?

Friday, December 19, 2014

What Lies Behind The Castle Walls


On the east side of Lancaster city sits a stone castle.  The backside of this fortress has tall and foreboding walls that would intimidate the most evil villains, while the front has a grand entrance that is only missing a drawbridge and moat.  A visitor may inquire about the history of this unique structure--did it once house someone of royal decent?  Hardly.

Allow me to take you on a tour of this building and introduce you to some of those who inhabit it.

Here's what you may typically find:

Upon opening the front doors, you will immediately notice that no royal guard is in attendance here.  Instead, men dressed in uniform gruffly greet you, and if you're "lucky" a trained German Shepherd may give you a quick sniff for drugs.  You had better get a small locker assignment, as you will need a place to store your keys, your jewelry, your cell phone, your money and anything else that is a sign of the world in which you just left behind you on the other side of those front doors.

I recommend a quick trip to the bathroom.  But wait...you'll have to ask one of the uniformed men for a key to gain access.

"I don't have to go to the bathroom," you may protest.  That's okay.  You should still go wash your hands.  Not just your hands.  Your wrists too.  You'll want to get any trace of drugs off your skin before being tested by the drug monster.  Don't laugh.  I don't do drugs either, but what about the people who last touched the money you handled or the door you just opened?  Can you say the same for them?  I know people who have never used an illegal substance in their life but failed to get past the drug monster.   We always wash our hands.


It's time to go through the metal detectors and the scrutiny that they deem necessary to assure it is safe to let you enter into the next room of the castle.  Until you get the green light, it's okay if you feel a little anxious.  I usually do.

But today, we can forgo most of these formalities.  Today, we are here with an honorable ministry called Justice and Mercy to spread Christmas cheer to the residence of this gated community.  Each person in attendance today has paid to be here.  PAID for the opportunity to go through the gates and serve the people on the other side.  They are the only "common citizens" (except those employed at the castle, lawyers and social workers) who will ever be given clearance to go into the inter-sanctum.  How have we gotten this honor?  God's favor.  So, today, just walk through the metal detectors with me as I look back on my day behind the castle walls.  My day in prison.  Ready?


Armed with bags of whoopie pies and customized Christmas cards that shared love, care, compassion and the Gospel, we followed a sassy, short-haired staff member through an open door and into a small holding area.  BANG.  The door we passed through slammed shut behind us.  We were walled in on every side.

"Wolfie," she yelled.  "D-Block!"  A buzzer sounded and the door ahead of us pulled open.  I'm not sure which struck me first.  The sight or the smell.  No, the doors didn't open into cathedral ceilings with beautiful stained glass.  They opened into a close, tight, windowless corridor constructed of concrete.  The smell was not that of lush foods cooking in a grand kitchen, but rather one of worn gym socks mingled with odd cleaning chemicals.  I can still close my eyes and remember the smell.

Wolfie, by the way, was a person.  She controlled the door to D-Block (and so much more).  She met us at the end of the hall.

The temperature seemed to change by 20 degrees.  It was so hot I had a hard time breathing.  What was the thermostat set to in this part of the prison?  85 degrees?  I could feel sweat roll down my neck.  This girl was not meant for warm indoor places.

"Most of the women are still sleeping," Wolfie said.  "They'll wake up when they know why you're here."

Gates and doors seemed to bang everywhere as we followed our guide toward a short corridor.


On the right were tiny cells, even awkwardly smaller than they appear on TV shows.  To the left, a dark wall displayed small windows.  I looked through the first window only to see a tiny patch of grass and a thick wall directly across from me--you know, one of those foreboding walls that I suggested would intimidate evil villains. (Ironic, huh?)  The lack of nature was striking; however, not nearly as striking as the thin-framed woman I first encountered.  She was sitting on the side of her bed and was about to be the first recipient of our gift.

"Merry Christmas," we said, as we handed her a big whoopie pie and our card.  The words stung me, actually.  Merry Christmas?  Was this mockery?  There was no sparkling Christmas tree, no pleasant music or handcrafted nativity scene anywhere to be found.  Who was this woman?  She had parents that wouldn't be celebrating Christmas with their daughter.  Maybe she had children of her own.  They would have a Christmas without their mama, and she would remain without them.  What had she done to end up here during the "most wonderful time of the year?"

"Thank you!  Merry Christmas," she replied in a faint, sleepy voice.  She seemed genuinely grateful.  As did the next six or seven women we saw as we walked that corridor.  Most were just waking up or still sleeping, though everyone of them woke up and welcomed our short visit.

It was then that I started to realize that they didn't feel mocked.  They felt loved.  Somehow a whoopie pie and Christmas card said, "You have not been forgotten.  You are loved."  And, as we retraced our steps to return to Wolfie, I saw genuine smiles on the faces of wounded women, as they held a whoopie pie in one hand and read our Christmas greeting, which they held in their other hand.

I heard in my head: "Whatever you have done for the least of these...you have done for Me, Julie."

Matthew 25: 44-45 44"... 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?' 45"Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.'

I tried to take in all the sights on D-Block.  There wasn't much to remember.  A small common area with a rough table and some plastic chairs, a book shelf with some tattered and worn books--none that particularly interested me at a quick glance.  Bars, beds with thin blankets, a toilet and sink....and women.  Lost women.  Broken women.  All labeled "criminals," but without any knowledge of their crimes, they just looked like you and me.

They ARE like you and me.  Aren't we all just one wrong decision away from being right where they are?  "Oh, I would NEVER..." you may be thinking.  Really?  But by the grace of God alone, my friends.

We left D-Block and I will likely never see those women again.  But I will never forget them.

Our next destination?  Ad Seg.

Yeah, I didn't know what that was either.


Ad Seg is short for Administrative Segregation.  It is one of the most high security areas within the prison, reserved for prisoners who are possibly in mortal danger within the general population.  It is a sort of solitary confinement, but should not be confused with "The Hole" which is far worse.  (I can't imagine!)  The inmates in Ad Seg may be witnesses against other inmates; arrested for particular types of crimes targeted by gangs or hate-crimes within the prison system; "snitches"; thieves; etc...

This is interesting.  As I heard, some of the people in that area came into the prison system as drug addicts in the general population.  As they came off their drugs, they craved sugar to help take away some of the negative side-effects of withdraw.  They would borrow sugary concessions from fellow inmates with a promise to pay them back as soon as they had "outside money" available to them.  However, not everyone has a family on the outside that can (or will) support their inmate. So, when no money ever appears for the borrower, and it becomes clear he/she will be unable to pay back their sugar debt, they may be sent to Ad Seg for their own safety.  Imagine going to solitary confinement for your sugar addiction gone bad.  Huh.

As our short-haired guide walked us through a labyrinth of nondescript corridors she gave us a warning.  "When we go in here, don't hand the gift directly to them.  We don't know why they are in here and it would be best if they didn't make physical contact with you.  Just sit down the treat and the card and they can take it from the slot."  The slot?

The correctional officer on duty was a very tall, handsome African American man who gave us the same warning.  He seemed to have a friendly relationship with the men and women behind heavy, steel doors.  He'd rap on the door and call in through a small "talking" area--"Hey, Santos, you want a whoopie pie?"  A face would appear in a thin rectangular window.  "Yes, sir!"

The C.O. unlocked--yes, UNLOCKED--a slot in the door where we laid the whoopie pie and card.  "Merry Christmas," we said.

WE--three young women who knew nothing about this culture, this fourth-world country we were visiting.  We stood out in such an awkward way.

The whoopie pies vanished through the slot and everything was, once again, locked and secured.  At least 10 men and 1 women received our gift in the Ad Seg population that day.  And a tear welled up when one of them said, "God bless you" in response to our kindness.


In stark contrast to Ad Seg, we headed to the Work Release area.  This is possibly the most relaxed segment of the prison.  Here, the men we visited were staying in something that resembled more of a dormitory.  They were not in cells, but in concrete cubicles with an open entrance and short walls so they could stand up and see the entire block.  These inmates, obviously, earned significant trust to be placed in such unconstrained quarters.

In the common area, two little mirrors hung on a wall.  "Limit: one man shaving at a mirror" said the handwritten sign between them.

Four phones hung on another wall.

Tables and chairs were gathered in a social formation, and a TV was playing in the room.

The C.O called for all men to return to their cubicles so they could receive their whoopie pies.   He walked along with us, but allowed us to put one step into each dwelling unit to extend our gift.

"Merry Christmas!" we would say.

The variety of responses?  "Thank you so much!"  "God bless you!"  "We have been looking forward to your visit for over a month." (Wow--they had heard we'd be coming!) "You have a very Merry Christmas, too."

These faces looked like my friends.  My brother.  My nephews.  Much like I had felt with the women, these men struck me as just ordinary people.   Fathers.  Sons. Brothers. Uncles.  All absent from their loved ones this holiday.

"The least of these..." I heard again.

As we left this area, most of the men had gathered back in the social area.  Some where on the phones, eating their whoopie pies while they talked to friends and family.  Others were chatting with one another at tables.  As we headed for the exit many of them thanked us again and wished us a Merry Christmas.

I had no idea where I was in the castle.  The corridors all looked the same and I was disoriented.  I tried to think of shows like Prison Break and Orange is the New Black--this was nothing like that.  Don't believe everything you see on TV.  (Not that you do)


Hanging over all of these halls and cell blocks were spirits of sadness, regret, darkness, and depression....spirits so thick they could be felt as if they were a tangible force.  But for one brief moment, we carried with us LOVE and JOY and HOPE and GRATITUDE and...JESUS.  And when the Light comes into the darkness, the darkness MUST flee.

At Easter, Justice and Mercy hands out chocolate crosses to the inmates.  Put my name on the list to go again!  I would gladly pay $200 to have this opportunity again.  I would be remiss not to say a huge THANK YOU to Dr. Clayton Stitzel of Lancaster Spinal Health who, without knowing me, personally sponsored me to have this particular ministry opportunity.  My heart is huge for prison ministry.

Hebrews 13:2-3 2Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.3Remember the prisoners, as though in prison with them, and those who are ill-treated, since you yourselves also are in the body.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Going to School in Underwear




Self-Control.  Does anyone else cringe at that word like I do?  Ew!  I don't have it.

Or do I?

In an article entitled "Self-Control: The Battle Against 'One More.'"  Edward Welch writes, "As the Hebrews were promised the land, but had to take it by force, one town at a time, so we are promised the gift of self-control, yet we also must take it by force."

The article is a great and weighty read.  I'd encourage you to read it--but my post is far less weighty, as I am simple-minded and struggling with this thing we call "self-control."

The Stupid Gift

When I was around 8 years old, I got this handheld football game for Christmas.  The details of who gave it to me are blurry, but I know whoever it was made a sacrifice to please me.


I was so pleased when I opened the wrappings to find something so exciting!  (How many of you remember how cool these kinds of games were?)  My excitement was soon dimmed with difficulties. I couldn't get the game to work.  Quite possibly, I had put the batteries in the wrong way.  

After many attempts to get my new toy to work, I finally threw it down on the ground in complete frustration.  "This gift is stupid!" I shouted as I stomped up the stairs in tears.

Mom to the rescue.  

"Honey, you shouldn't say that.  A great sacrifice was made to give you that gift.  It's not stupid, you just don't know how to use it yet.  Let's go figure it out!"  

Those are similar to the words I remember her saying.

Recently, I've felt the same way about the gift of self-control.  STUPID GIFT!!!!

I know I HAVE self-control.  It was given to me as a gift.  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7  

It's really making me mad though.  This gift, which was purchased and given to me at great sacrifice, is so frustrating to me because I feel like I don't have a clue how to use it.

It feels like I have NO self-control when it comes to: Eating.  Doing housework. Spending time in God's word.  Facebook.  (Shall I go on?) 

Honestly, I've been very singularly focused on my eating for SUCH a long time that it has defined my life.  Do you have an area like that?  Something you're working on so hard that everything else gets overlooked?  I was so angry about the gift of self-control as it pertained to my eating that I totally missed how it was being worked into my life in other ways. 

Thankfully, a friend challenged me this weekend to look for areas where the gift of self-control is charged up and operating in my life.

You Might Wear Underwear to School

Last week, my son decided he wasn't going to school.  In his own "stupid gift" moment, he decided that he didn't need school, he didn't like school and he quit.

Now, if you recall my post about Julie and the Whale, you will remember that, previously, these kinds of moments provoked an atomic bomb-like destruction in our home.  Mom (that's me!) would have been yelling, kids would have been crying, mom would have been slamming doors and crying too.  Ugly, ugly, ugly.  There was nothing pretty in our past in the file marked, "Difficult Mornings Before School."

This particular morning, though, no bombs exploded.  I remained calm.

To the child in his underwear, still lying in bed, I calmly said, "Your breakfast is on the table when you're ready.  We leave for school in 30 minutes.  You might want to be wearing something other than your underwear.  It's rather cold outside today."  He grunted and pulled his covers up.

Eventually he stumbled to the table, still only in underwear.  He ate his breakfast and I put his lunch and water bottle on the table for him to put in his backpack.  "10 more minutes," I said.

"I'M NOT GOING!" He stomped back up to his room.

At the five minute warning I made sure to include that I would not be coming home after I drop them off at school, so if he was planning to stay home, he would be home alone.  (I KNEW this would perk him up!  He would never want to be home alone!)  All the while, I remained calm--helping my daughter get on her shoes and coat.

Down he came again in his underwear.  He wanted to negotiate, but this topic of going to school was really not up for negotiation.  In the sweetest voice, I said, "I am leaving in two minutes.  You will have to go to school in your underwear today if you aren't ready to leave when it's time."  He knew I meant it.

You never saw a child get dressed so quickly!  By the time I was opening the door to leave, he was dressed with his lunch, his water, his school work and a coat.  He had no shoes and socks on, so he grabbed his crocs.  "Your feet will be cold today without socks, but I cannot wait any longer for you," I said.  He ran out the door.  

I guess having cold feet was a better choice than going to school in your underwear.



 I couldn't have imagined when I decided to name this blog "Going to School in Underwear" how absurd it would be to find a fitting image.  So, to avoid embarrassment for myself, I went with these Toy Story Underpants--which are not an exact replica of the underpants almost worn to school.

Hey, this was an area where self-control has grown in my life!  I DO HAVE THIS GIFT and IT ISN'T STUPID!!!!

I'm not sure I took it by force, like Ed Welch suggested in his article, but I see the growth and the changes since I wrote Julie and the Whale almost one year ago.

So, why am I sharing this?  Because maybe you have a "Going to School in Your Underwear" kind of moment that you're not seeing in your own life.

What area have you been focusing on lately that has made you really discouraged when it comes to assessing the gift of self-control in your life?  Now, take your eyes OFF that particular area, and look around you.  Where do you see self-control thriving?  God is always at work in our lives, my friends.  Look for it.  And be sure to share it with others when you see it.  We all need encouragement!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Be Grateful: The God of Details


Wow!  It's been a long silence on the blog, huh?

I've been practicing gratitude, so I thought I'd shift my previous spring focus about FREEDOM to my autumn focus on GRATITUDE.  After all, I do believe those two things go hand-in-hand.

Today, it hit me.  There are 7 billion people in the world.  7 billion beautiful, inspired, talented, original people.

And Dan Garner chose me.

He found me.

We found each other.

We chose each other.

I waited 26 years to be connected to this man and an additional 7 to marry him.  We are best friends, perfectly matched in practically every possible way.  I can't imagine sharing life with anyone else in the way I share it with him.

We really don't fight.  I've heard people say, "You're lying!" or "You must not be honest with each other." or "That's not necessarily a good thing."  Really?

First, we're not lying.  I'm not suggesting there are never moments where we get a little annoyed; however, I can honestly say our children have never heard us yell at each other.  (At them, yes.  At each other, no.)  They have also never experienced us not speaking to one another.  Maybe taking some moments of silence so we can pray and gather our thoughts, but never the silent treatment.  We just don't do it.

Yes, we are VERY honest with each other.  In a way that may scare other people.  The honesty is what has cemented us.  Sharing and bearing one another's weaknesses is one of the most beautiful things about this thing called "us."

I think our harmony is a great thing.  It reminds me of how a kite flies on the wind, or how a wave is supported by the vastness of the ocean.  We are better together.  

So, when I think of the 7 billion beautiful people in this world...

I am grateful that Dan chose me.  Messy, broken me.

I am grateful that Dan loves me.  Difficult, imperfect me.

And I am reassured once again that GOD is in the details.  There is just no way, without the hand of God that THIS happens.  No way at all.

THANK YOU, LORD, FOR THIS GIFT!

Psalm 37:23 "The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."


Monday, June 23, 2014

The Freedom Journals: #4 Stop Drowning!


Did you know...drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help except in rare instances?

But what about people who are drowning in other ways?

Drowning in depression.
Drowning in sin
Drowning in addiction.
Drowing in anger.
Drowning in a bad marriage.
Drowning in obesity and bad health.

There are people around me all day long who seem to be drowning.  And they are quite capable of calling out for help, and often do.  "Help me, Julie!  I NEED you!"

I LOVE people.  So, I will be the first to throw in a life preserver.  And when someone I love can't quite grab onto the ring, I will jump in and do everything I can to save them.

"What?  You are a total wreck and you're asking for help out of the mess?  I'm here for you!"  

SPLASH!  DIVE!  SWIM!  RESCUE!

Here's the problem.  I'm learning (after seriously being a lifeguard of people for about the last 30 years of my life) that just because someone is drowning and calling out for help doesn't mean they actually want to be helped.  So weird, right?

I've spent a lifetime jumping in to save the drowning people, because my heart is huge and I love people.  But guess what?  I've tried to save people, only to be pulled down.  Scratched. Punched. Choked.  I mean, the next thing I know, my rescue attempts turn into water in my own lungs and I'm laying at the bottom of the ocean.  Does anyone else relate to this?

Here's how it is.  I'm done drowning in other people's issues.  I LOVE people.  Like, I really LOVE people. I won't stop throwing in life preservers.  But I'm done drowning.



Freedom looks like breathing.
Freedom looks like living.
Freedom looks like trusting God to help people who are drowning in life.
Freedom looks like no longer being overwhelmed with guilt and judgement and condemnation and fear when people are disappointed in me and say, "I was drowning and you should have done more!"


As I write this, my daughter is playing with the neighbor girl.  Kate is 6.  The neighbor is 5.  Kate adores this little girl.

A few minutes ago, however, Kate came in the front door and said to me, "I am tired and need a break from playing, but 'Neighbor Girl' won't let me stop playing.  I don't know what to do, Mommy.  I'm so tired."  I helped her understand that she needed to rest and to tell her friend she will play with her later.

With courage, Kate delivered the news to a girl who immediately burst into tears and said, "I will NEVER play with you again!  You are so mean!"

Seriously...this is happening AS I write this post.

Kate is bewildered.  She meant no ill-will or harm to her friend.  She loves this little girl.  But if she kept playing, she would come undone herself.

WOW!  Rescue-mentality starts on the front porch of our homes when we're 6 years old.  "Don't take care of yourself!  Take care of ME!  And if you don't, I will tell you how mean and terrible and selfish you are.  I will threaten to remove myself from your life."

No, Kate.  Come in and rest.  Even at the risk of losing a friend.  Because freedom looks like not being manipulated and controlled by irrational thinking.


Let me tell ya...if you can still speak, you're not dead yet.  My friend Andi's sister is literally dying.  There's nothing Andi can do to save her.  And here's what Andi's learning from her sister--"Keep living until God takes you home!"  We'd all do well to remember such sage counsel.

It's time for me to stop drowning and start living.  How about you?

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Freedom Journals: #3 Don't Listen To Shame!


I have spent my whole life consumed by pleasing others.

When I was in college, I had this really awesome mentor named Eric Bennett, who handed me a piece of paper one day.  It said nothing more than this: "Seal of Approval  -EB"

He gave it to me because he saw how hard I was striving to please him.  I wanted to be the hardest worker, the most passionate Christian, the dearest friend, the funniest person, the most popular, the smartest...I wanted everyone to like me, like me, like me!  And I was killing myself to make it happen.

So, one day, he hands me this paper.  



It's been TWENTY YEARS since I received that gift.  I really didn't understand it when he gave it to me.  But I've never forgotten it.  

As the years have continued, I have realized the power of that one word.  "Approval"  

When I thought about including this story in my post today, I knew EXACTLY where to find that piece of paper.  I still have it.  That's how powerful it was for me.




I didn't just go to the hospital because I was sick back in September.  I was unraveling from the inside out.  My anxiety level was at an all-time high.  I felt like I was walking a tightrope with a thousand people just waiting for me to fall to my death.  (Two of my biggest fears?  Heights and falling.  Literally and figuratively!) 

I never imagined when I made my Free to Be the Woman video that it would get the attention it got.  As I type this, it sits at over 7,000 views.  Now, that may be nothing compared to 2 million views, but for a small town, Lancaster County girl's first-ever-video, that's basically viral.

I was dealing with my own inner demons, but suddenly, I felt like I was facing them on a stage.  One day--I will never forget this moment--we were walking into a local restaurant and I was actually thinking about getting something other than a "lean and green" salad.  Something healthy, but not something within the guidelines of the plan I follow.  

A lady held the door for me and smiled.  "Does everyone know you everywhere you go?" she asked.  

"Ummm...no.  Do *I* know you?"  She didn't look familiar to me, and I usually don't forget faces.

"No, but I know you because of your video.  You're such an inspiration!"

Ugh!  In that moment I realized, I can never walk into a restaurant and make a choice without someone possibly watching (read: judging) what I was eating, because even people I didn't know recognized me now.  That evening, I bagged my thought of eating a healthy off-plan choice and ordered a salad I didn't want to eat--and resented it with every.single.bite.

That night--and all of its realizations--started a wild, out of control spiral for me.  I resented the fact that I couldn't just be free to eat what I wanted without judgement.  I resented the fact that I felt like I was being watched.  Thus began a lot of secrecy and lying for me.  Here's what those lies looked like:

Me, walking into YoFro.  Me, getting a heaping cup of salted caramel frozen yogurt and topping it until the whole thing cost me $10.  Me, asking for a lid and saying loudly for all to hear, "I need a lid because I'm taking this home to my husband!"  Me, walking out in the darkness to my car and sitting alone, parked where no other cars were parked, and shoving $10 worth of ice cream down the hatch.

Now there is the guilt of overeating and lying!



By the start of 2014, I was telling a bigger lie.  I was saying, "I'm fine.  I can handle my life." But, truly, I was not even functioning.  Now, not only was I having panic attacks and heightened anxiety, I was officially depressed too.  See, I didn't just feel the guilt over the way I was choosing to live, I felt the SHAME.  My need to be seen as perfect and have other people think highly of me, knowing that I was falling, had me locked down in secrecy, silence and judgement.



Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?  I didn't.  


Shame: I am bad
Guilt: I did something bad

Guilt: I'm sorry, I made a mistake
Shame: I'm sorry, I AM a mistake

Theodore Roosevelt once said this:  

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Shame is the opposite of freedom.  

Shame keeps us locked down in heavy shackles.  Shame keeps us on the other side of the arena door saying, "You don't want to go out there.  You don't actually want to fight in that fight...and LOSE...in front of all of the people, do you?  You?  You're not smart enough to win.  You're not pretty enough for people to want to watch you."  

Shame knows everything about you, so it also says, "You didn't ever earn a college degree--how pathetic is THAT?  You ignored your kids all morning and then your first interaction with them was yelling.  That automatically disqualifies you.  You think you love Jesus?  Pfff...how much time have you spent reading his word and praying today?  Come back when you're more spiritual."  

These are Shame's words.

And they keep us from opening the door to the arena of really big things in our life, because we are so afraid that shame is right.

But if we push past Shame and open that door, guess what?

The critique we see pointing and laughing is US!  It's really not other people.  Other people are too afraid everyone else is pointing and laughing at them.

Oh sure, there are people with some very loud (and hurtful) opinions.  But none louder and more hurtful than the opinions I have in my own head about myself.  I own the opinions of others so strongly because they only confirmed what I believed was true in the first place, right?

You know what else Shame keeps us from doing? 


Being vulnerable.

Shame doesn't want you to know that vulnerability is the birthplace of whole-hearted living and where true connection with people happens.

Shame says, "Don't be vulnerable!  That's so weak!  And it's so emotionally risky."

But you know what is true?

Being vulnerable is not weak.  Being vulnerable is pure courage, Friends.


When we are vulnerable about the things in our life that are broken and flawed and shattered...guess what happens?  

We get to see the Truth of this verse, right here:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

You want to know the abounding grace of God?  Be vulnerable about your weak places.  You want to see the power of Christ rest on your life?  Vulnerability, Baby!

If you know Dan and I, you know we are super creative people.  We are always thinking outside of the box, always wanting (almost needing) to create something...  Well, I'm learning that vulnerability is the birth place of innovation, creativity and change.  To create something is make something that didn't exist before and that is very vulnerable.  And then, people have a lot of opinions about your creation.  And then guess what follows?  Shame.  And guess what dies?  Creativity.

This is a total spiritual awakening for me.  


Freedom look like not having to please others.  It's being handed a sign that says this: "Seal of Approval.  -JC"  See Jesus gave us that sign.  He gave us that seal.  He's like, "Listen, Julie.  Stop striving.  Start resting.  There is absolutely nothing you can add to what I've already given you.  You are forgiven.  Your debt is paid.  You didn't deserve it when I died for you, you still don't deserve it--that's all true.  But I did it anyway, because I love you and found you worthy."  Got it?  So, when I go out into the arena, and finally have the courage to turn that knob and walk out on the stage...there is an audience of One that ought to matter to me.  And he already handed me a sign that says, "Seal of approval."  

Freedom looks like I don't do things perfectly, I can't do it all, I do sweat, I do make mistakes.  I'm not super mom, I'm not the 1950's Mrs. Clever housewife, my house is a disaster which only looks clean compared to the disaster in my heart.  To admit these things is freedom.  To try to do it all, to be perfect, to look amazing...well, that's just a prescription for a lot of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds.  (And those make you gain weight!)  


Freedom looks like vulnerability and empathy.  The two most powerful words when we're struggling are "me too!"  The responses I've received from my blog readers over these Freedom Journals have brought tears to my eyes.  You're all crying out for "more!"  You're all thanking me for making you feel like you're not the only one.  What if we ALL lived our lives like we're writing The Freedom Journals?  Be courageous!  God's grace will be sufficient for you.  He promises. 

Freedom looks like being honest NOW.  If I wait to be honest until I am bullet proof and have it all together, I will never be honest.  It is risky to be honest.  But it is freedom.

One last story...

I spent all day yesterday having regrets that I shared about our finances.  

This weekend we are putting in a new fence in our yard.  When I asked for a truck on FB, I didn't want to publicly say why we needed it.  I felt like I needed to say, "Our neighbor is paying for the fence panels in exchange for us doing all of the labor!"  Which really is screaming, "PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Monday is Dan's birthday and Tuesday it's his mom's.  On Wednesday we are going to Sight & Sound.  I thought, "I can't take pictures of that trip, because people will say, 'you're $30K in debt, but you're paying to go to the theater?'"  I want to yell, "Someone gifted us with those tickets!"  Which is really screaming, "PLEASE APPROVE!"

I was confessing this to my friend Dana this morning.  She simply said, "Yeah, stop worrying what other people think.  They don't need to know."  

OH...freedom looks like "stop worrying what other people think."  

Anchor: I am known...I am loved...that is enough.  That has always been enough.  That WILL ALWAYS be enough.

I want to be free of needing the approval of man.  "If God is for me, who can be against me."