A Misunderstanding

Yesterday I had my kids at the doctor's office.  Jude was so sick that he went wrapped in a blanket and could barely walk himself into the visit room.  They both were diagnosed with strep throat, which is very contagious.

When we were leaving, a little toddler was walking down the hallway.  There was some obvious concern from her mother and doctor about how she walks. 

My kids were unaware of themselves or what was going on--as kids are.  They began to plow down the hall and I said, "Hey, guys, stay here!  Just wait."  The doctor then, who had just diagnosed my sickly kids, stepped in front of them to avoid them coming in contact with a well-child.  I say, "Yeah, let's stay back." and then said toward the mother, "You don't want to get her anywhere near them."

I was surprised when the mother glared at me and said, "Well, what she has is NOT contagious!"

The nurse looked at me as I said, "No, but what they have is."  However, the mother had already scooped up her daughter and gone back into her room.  Nurse Tina just said, "Okay, I don't think she understood."

No.  She didn't.

But I think I do that all the time.  Someone says something and I take it personally and mix up the intention of their words.  It was a good moment to remind me that misunderstandings happen and that we have to be gracious with others.

So...not really related to weight, but definitely related to mental health.  Be charitable toward others, even if you think what they said is offensive.  You might be wrong.

Week #16 Photos

Here's what you've been waiting to see...

Week #16: Just Doing My Thing

16 weeks.  Has it really been 16 weeks?!  No way!  I mean, seriously...who can complain about an eating plan that includes chocolate mint crunch bars and a hot chocolate mocha cafe*?! (*As I have deemed it)

I'm feeling great.  I'm looking better all the time.  My jeans that I could hardly squeeze into last month are starting to get loose (and not just because I haven't washed them in a month...although...ha ha!).

I already blogged my most significant thoughts for the week.  I still have a ton to learn on this journey, but the great news is--I still have 100 pounds to lose, so I've got time.

I'm just over here doing my thing...and downsizing!

No Less Love, Just Less Pain

Some relationships are good, but you still can't have them anymore on this side of Heaven!

Thought #2: No Less Love, Just Less Pain

This is the second thought pertaining to my post on Monday.

We've all lost people in our lives.  Whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up with us (I've had plenty of those!) or best friends moving (um...mine are about to move to the Bahamas!  But others are spread all over the USA) or divorce (I've never experienced this, but my friends have) or death--we've all lost people in our lives.

I was, I think, 19 years old when this boy I "loved" broke my heart.  I remember waking up with a literal pain in my heart the next morning.  My heart had been broken before that, but this time it was different.  It took months--maybe even a year--for me to move on from this relationship.  I'd wake up and the pain was as fresh as the day after he told me "it was over!"  And then...one day...there wasn't any pain.  And I can't tell you when that day was exactly, because I wasn't paying attention.  I was a long way from the pain when I realized, I don't hurt over this anymore.  Huh.  And in hindsight, that was a really bad, unhealthy relationship.  I longed for this guy for years after our breakup.  But I wasn't consumed with him anymore.  And then one day--I saw him again.  And I thought, "Oh my gosh.  I could have married you.  That you Lord, for getting me out of that!"  He was not the person I longed for anymore.  Maybe he never really was.

Just hours before our wedding!  

Hey, you have the practice the kiss!!!

Dan and I went through some painful separations before our marriage.  Enter: The Pain.  That pain, never dulled with distance or space, because we'd always end up joyfully back together--inseparable and more dedicated to each other than the last time.  That pain ended in a happy union.  Dan and I have a fabulous relationship that is healthy and God-honoring.

When my dad died, there is was again--The Pain!  Actually, I remember the pain in 2000 when Dad wasn't supposed to live long.  I was in my late-twenties and still not married.  The thought of my daddy not giving me away was added pain.  (He did give me away, by the way.  In January 2005.  He passed away in June of that same year.)  Dad and I started as a bad relationship, but ended as a healthy, wonderful relationship.  To not see him again was almost more than I could bear.  But it's been almost 7 years and holidays are no longer filled with a void (not for me, but for my mom they may be).  It sounds insensitive to say--life has moved on.  But it has.  I still LOVE my dad and miss him very much, but there is far less pain.

Food is the same thing.  Much food is like my bad relationship as a late teen.  A bad relationship.  One I probably shouldn't have been involved in in the first place.  And when we start an eating plan like TSFL, it's like the proverbial break up.  Only we're not being broken up with--we're doing the breaking up.  It takes resolve to stay away from a bad relationship when you feel like you love that person/thing.  It takes help from God.  He doesn't remove our feelings--at least He never has for me.  But he says, "Trust me.  Do what is right and I will help you."

The further I've gotten from the food, the less pain I feel in my heart for it.  The less I miss it, think about it, wish for it.  And the more clarity I have about it.  It's a bad relationship, damaging to me, that's not what I want for my life.

If I allow myself to enter back into that relationship, even for an evening, the pain immediately would come rushing back in to my life.  And I would have to go through that process all over again of forgetting and moving on and trusting God to help me escape.

No thank you!

There are some food that will be more like my relationship with Dan.  My relationship with them was a little funky at time, but we can make-up and live in harmony together again.  (Example: I think pizza and I will be one of those things)  Some foods will be like my Dad.  We had an unhealthy relationship at one time, but we made up and did better late--but in the end, death is still inevitable and I can not go back there, even to a good relationship.  But most foods from my past will be like the boyfriend.  Good-bye.  No more.  Never again.  Thank you, God, for rescuing me from THAT!

Take Shape for Life is giving me the opportunity to see relationships with foods clearly.  And, when I get to a place where I am at my goal and CAN face those foods again with the option to eat them, I will know them better and be able to act in wisdom and not on impulse.  I will know that what we had was never love in the first place.  And that God has provided a way of escape.

This is GOOD news!!!

Forgiven And Loved

Me and my dad at my wedding in 2005.

It's hard to believe that I've not seen this man in nearly 7 years.  Just saying that makes a lump rise up in my throat.  It's been seven years since I got to look into my father's eyes, or hold his hand, or see that look he would get when he's just told a joke that was a little off-color. 

This isn't the anniversary of his passing--or his birthday.  I'm writing about this today because I have at least two separate thoughts going on in my head that are very connected to this dear man.  I will write about one of them tonight.

Thought #1: I'm Forgiven and Loved

Many times I have heard that our view of our Heavenly Father mimics that of our earthly father.  Now, this is where you may believe that I am going to pontificate about how wonderful my father was and what a great man he was.  But no.  This is where I say that my dad and I had a very tumultuous relationship for most of my life.  It was rocky and rough.  I remember looking at my mother one day and saying, "Well, I sure hope Dad dies before you, because I will NEVER take care of this man when you're gone."  Ouch!

In 2000 my father was diagnosed with a very rare thyroid cancer and was not expected to live long.  6 days, 6 weeks...maybe 6 months?  Time was short.  And I had A LOT to say.

Here's how our exchange went (in extreme summary).  "Daddy, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I forgive you.  I love you."  To which he replied, "Daughter, you're forgiven.  I'm sorry, too.  Please forgive me.  I love you!"

Through his terrible treatments, I helped to care for my dad.  I held his hand, prayed with him, and even spent some nights on the recliner next to him--willing to give up my sleep to help him in the late night hours.  We grew much closer and, thankfully, I had five more years of a wonderful relationship with him.  They were a great five years.

The days preceding my dad's death were so special.  The best moment I think I may have had with my dad--EVER--was about two days before he passed away.  My sister Beth, my mom and I took Dad in a wheelchair out into the gazebo in the courtyard of Homestead Village.  He had no voice left but a whisper.  But we sang hymns and praise songs together and read from God's word.  It was a picture of Heaven on earth.  His smile was brighter than the sun that day.  And, when the time was over, we prayed with him.  "May I pray for you?" he asked us in a hushed voice.  May he pray for us?  Wasn't he the one facing death's door?  This man then uttered prayers to God that could not be understood by our ears.  But he knew every word he prayed.  That was the longest prayer of my life.  But it was the sweetest.

Watching my dad pass from this world to the next was the most profound experience of my life...well...second only, perhaps, to the birth of my children.

My relationship with God has modeled a similar fashion.  It's been rocky in the past.  There have been good times, but there have been many moments of mistrust and unbelief on my part.  I didn't believe my Heavenly Father had good things for me.  For everyone else?  Yes.  For me?  No.  I fought to do more, to be more, to gain his affections--on my terms.  My weight loss was a HUGE part of this relationship struggle.  And things got pretty bad. 

And then I realized how broken I was and how wrong I was about my thinking toward God.  And the exchange went something like this.  "Father, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you."  To which he replied, "Daughter, I will never leave you.  Forgiven.  I love you."  And this time I believed those words.  I believed in the price Christ paid for me on the cross...particularly as it pertained to my cursing God for my weight struggle.

Enter: Take Shape for Life.  It isn't my salvation, but has been my hope.  It feels like a giant hug from my Father.  This time I am having with God feels more like those last five years I spent with my dad.  There's harmony and peace.  There's laughter and a true sense of love.  And I don't have just five more years of this.  I have all of eternity!!!

Thanks for the hug, Lord!  Thanks for the blessings your pouring out on my life right now.  The changes that are occurring in my heart are far greater than the changes that are happening on the outside.  Thank you for never giving up on me when I gave up on you and on myself. 

Oh...and I happen to think...my dad would be super proud of me right now.

A Light to My Path

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119: 105

This week I've been listening to a CD in the van. (I know, shocker--not my MP3 player?  I'm so old school!)  I love this CD though.  I bought it for the kids a year or so ago to help them hide God's word in their heart.  The entire CD is scripture sung to really great music.  I don't know...but it sure encouraged me this week.

One of the song's is this simple verse that most of us have heard all of our lives.  "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."  If I wasn't singing the verse around some campfire, I had it cranked up our record player, listening to Amy Grant's version of this scripture song.  (Oh, great!  Now I'm REALLY dating myself--what is a record player?!)

How many times do I wish that God would show me the future?  Um...all the time.

Wouldn't it have been so much easier if He had just taken me straight to Take Shape for Life?  Why did I have to go through all those years of struggling and suffering if He intended to help me in THIS way?

One answer.  

Glory.  

Well, that's the only answer I have.

Our struggles and suffering are faith-building and, ultimately, bring God the most glory.  If God hadn't allowed me to fall into an utter pit of hopelessness I wouldn't have the perspective I do now on His faithfulness to me.  I wouldn't celebrate my weight loss with the same joy and gusto that I am.  Ultimately, by going through those sufferings (only to be rescued, mine you!) God looks bigger...and I realize how powerless I am without Him.  Once again.

We go camping every fall.  We always stay in the exact same cabin, which is--each year--the exact same distance from the bathrooms.  The cabin doesn't move.  The bathroom doesn't move.  I know the way from the cabin to the bathroom.  But what I don't know is what lies on the path between the two.  There are rocks and branches and puddles and trees.  I would never dream of taking a midnight walk from the cabin to the bathroom without my flashlight, even though I can see the bathroom light off in the distance.  I don't know what lies in those woods.  And, I know myself to know that I would most certainly end up falling.  My flashlight provides just enough light to see my feet and a little bit of the path in front of me.  It doesn't light up the path like stadium lighting--but it shows me what I need to get to the bathroom safely.

God's word is the same way.  It shines the light on our currently moment--just far enough out in front of us to keep us safe.  It's not lighting up the entire night sky--but I would be a fool to venture out without it.  Not only is it a light until my path and a lamp unto my feet--it is the bread of life!  Light & bread.  Two things I can say I definitely need.

So, as I continue to lose weight, I want to remain in THIS moment and not try to project too far into my future.  I need the Light on my feet and on my path.  Otherwise, I'm going to get lost or fall or possibly be attacked by unsavory creatures.  

Part of learning to be content is learning to be anchored in the moment.  And to safely walk in the moment, I must have the light of God's word in my heart.

Now, there's some Bread that IS on my eating plan!

Week #15: Zero isn't Nothing!

So, as you can see from my weight loss totals, I neither gained nor lost weight this past week.

I say it that way on purpose.

I think, in the past, I tended to only see that I didn't lose any weight.  But I failed to see that I also didn't GAIN any weight! That's sure a good thing.  And I'm not worried.  I had a great week and stuck to the plan.  I know I'll be fine.  I'm starting to see a pattern.

And, I was thinking today, that zero isn't nothing.

Zero reminds me of all the thing that the scale can't measure.  And today I am celebrating just how happy and full of joy I am.  I'm celebrating my new-found freedom.  And it truly is freedom.

Watching others start this program has helped serve as a reminder of just how far I've come.  I know that the Lord is at work in my life through Take Shape for Life!

Zero reminds me that my heart has moved to a place of contentment.

That's not nothing.  That's a big, huge something!

Week #14: Patience, Patience, Patience

The big birthdays are finally over!  Here's the cakes I made for the kids. And my very happy family.  Love these guys the most!!!

I have every intention of getting back to blogging regularly.  Between starting my coaching business and beginning my role as drama director for the kids musical at Dayspring--well, life's been a little hectic.  But it's getting into a sense of routine now and I'm not nearly as stressed out as I was there for a few weeks.

So, now...on to Week #14.  It was a big one!

Dan started TSFL this week--with me as his coach, of course!  It has been so great. I feel even more endeared toward my husband, which I didn't think was possible.  I love this man!!!

Also...I am down 7 more pounds!!!**  I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Jude.  That was 6 years and 9 months ago.  Imagine weighing less than you've weighed in the past 6 years.  This is so much reason for me to rejoice!!!

I've been struck over and over lately with the patience of the Lord.  He is a patient God.

But what does that mean?

I always thought it only meant that he didn't lose his kindness toward me.  Despite how unfaithful and spoiled and awful I am toward Him, I thought God's patience simply meant...he never "lost his cool" with me.  He's long-suffering, gentle, faithful.  And He is.

This is pretty good news.  Also pretty humbling news, as I struggle daily to keep me patience with my own children.  I realize my need for Christ in this type of patience.

But lately, I realized God's patience is MUCH more than that.  God's patience means He is willing to take His time.  He's not in a hurry.

How many times has anxiety taken over for me in the waiting?  I mean, it can even happen in the waiting for something really good.  Like, waiting for my wedding day or the birth of my children.  Man, those waits KILLED me!!!

But God doesn't mind waiting.  Because God is God.  He knows the outcome.  He knows He can be trusted.  He doesn't need his faith to be bolstered in himself.  In the story of Esther, when the decree was posted that all of God's people would be killed, God didn't swoop in immediately and solve that problem.  He waited.  He was patient.  He swept in like a hero at the 11th hour, on the day before the slaughter was to occur.  And who could have imagined the way he worked?  The irony of what would happen?  Haman built gallows to kill Mordecai the Jew, but Haman would be hung on the gallows he built--and Mordecai would become the King's trusted adviser.  I mean, who but God could write this stuff?!

God waited until the 11th hour to rescue me from my eating disorder as well.  I had to get to the end of myself.  I had to realize that ONLY God could save me.  And He did.  He wasn't in a hurry--I felt like I had suffered for YEARS (and I had) desiring this change in my life.

So now, I hope I've learned that God CAN be trusted.  And God will always rescue his children.  If he sent his son to die in our place on a cruel cross, will he really leave us alone and helpless here and now?  That doesn't mean we won't suffer.  That just means, when we are crying out "How long, oh Lord!  How long must I wait?!"  His answer is "Not much longer."  But He is patient.  And so, He teaches us to be the same way.

**Results will vary. Typical results on the Medifast 5&1 program are up to 2 – 5 lbs per week.

Week #13: It's Not A Plateau!

Me and my awesome sisters this past Halloween.  Just think how "MEOWZA!" I'll look in those kitty ears THIS Halloween!

I saw my counselor yesterday.  It was in the last 5 minutes of my session that I said, "And I've hit a plateau in my weight loss."  (I was sullen about it. Maybe even irritable.)

"What do you weigh?" she asked me.

I told her.  She flipped through her papers.

"That's 11 pounds that you've lost since last month.  11 pounds in a month is NOT a plateau."

I argued.  "Not a plateau to you, but it is to me.  I've been losing really big numbers and lately I'm hardly getting by with a pound.  I just want to hit 50 pounds gone!  I just want to get out of this "10" on the scale."

She shook her head at me and didn't argue back.  She simply and gently said, "It's not a plateau."

End of session.

How spoiled I've become.  11 pounds in a month?  Pffff...I lost that in one week!

I can't stand it when I watch the Biggest Loser and someone gets on the scale and loses 4 pounds and is like, "Um, I don't know what happened.  I was hoping for more. I guess I need to work harder."  I just want to scream at the TV--"YOU LOST FOUR POUNDS, JERK!  BE HAPPY!"

I think in a sweet way, that's what Susan did to me yesterday.

And she's right.  I lost 11 pounds this past month.  It took me 10 weeks of KILLING myself at the gym to do that in the past.  4 weeks vs. 10 weeks.  Enjoying my life vs. killing myself.

It's so easy to forget where we've been.  I'm already very spoiled.  It's so easy for me to forget how hard it was to even lose one pound in the past.  TSFL isn't hard.  I love it, actually.  I'm in a groove, I've hit my stride with it, I don't miss the old foods, I like the TSFL foods...so, what am I going to do?

I'm going to celebrate!  I LOST 1 POUND THIS WEEK!  I'VE LOST 11 POUNDS THIS MONTH!!!  Celebrate it with me.  Because I LOST it and it's gone--FOREVER!

And, by the way, my average weight loss is still 3.8 pounds per week.  At that rate, I will be at my goal by November.  In less than a year.  (Hey, it might still slow down even more, but I have 160 pounds to lose--on any other program that would have taken me two years or more!)  And do you know how awesome I'm going to look waaaaay before I reach more goal?

I'm 11 pounds away from weighing what I weighed when I got pregnant with Jude. (6 years and 9 months ago exactly!  Yesterday was his 6th birthday!)

I'm 18 pounds away from weighting what I did the day I married Dan!!! (January 7, 2005)

I'm 38 pounds away from weighing what I did the day I MET Dan. (So, soon, Dan will never have known me at the weight I will be!  I've been with Dan for 14 years!!!)

These small goals are well within my reach!  And...this is NOT a plateau!

Cake

Kate's birthday cake last year.

You know that game called "Association"?  One person says a word and then another person says the first thing that comes to their mind when that word is said?  Yep.  That's the game.

I say "Birthday."

You probably say, "Cake!"  (especially since you saw the picture with this post, right?)

Well, it turns out birthdays are not boiled down to cake.  Who knew?

Kate turned 4 years old this past Monday.  It was a great evening!  I bought cupcakes, but we are a creative family, so I like to decorate the cakes/cupcakes myself.  One day I hope the kids will be able to be a BIG help with projects like this.  It involves making memories and being creative together.

On Monday night I decorated Kate's cupcakes with butterflies made from white chocolate covered pretzels and jelly beans.  I didn't take a picture--oops!  They were super cute though!

The fun was in creating.  I didn't feel like I missed out on the eating.

There was a day when I could not have resisted a cupcake.  Now I don't even want one.  I'd say that is a pretty huge change, wouldn't you?

Jude turns 6 on Tuesday.  Lots of birthdays in our home right now!!!

I just got done decorating Jude's cake.  Jude and Kate will both have cakes this weekend for a family birthday party.  They chose to have Max & Brody (our black cats!) on their cake.  I was stumped.  But today I have been a cake decorating fool!  Not my best work, but I've allowed the kids to help as much as possible, realizing that the memories out-weigh the beauty of the end result.

The kids could hardly keep from swiping fingers through icing or eating all the candy decorations.  I thought the cake looked gross, actually.  Not because of the adorable decorations.  No, it turned out really cute!  But because there was nothing about it that was calling to me.  I was almost repulsed at the thought of eating it.  I can't believe I'm actually saying that.

But these birthdays aren't about cakes.  These birthdays are about two cute little blessings that God gave to Dan and me.  They are the focus.  And making the event fun for them is important.

Remember the Keith Green song, "So You Wanna Go Back to Egypt?"  Great song, though totally quirky.  I think it would be easy to see the Medifast food as manna and complain.  I can see that.  But I think...no, I know...I see it as God's provision for me.  A miraculous provision!  I don't want to go back to Egypt--to the foods and behaviors of the past.  I don't grieve them anymore.  I can now remember how awful they were.  No, they didn't taste awful--they were alluring and delectable.  Isn't most sin?  But those habits and that food was killing me.

I'm not saying there will never be another piece of birthday cake.  (Well, maybe I am.  Who knows.)  I'm just saying that freedom sure tastes pretty amazing!!!  Better than cake.

Establishing Boundaries

So thankful I am no longer enslaved in pretzels!  ha ha!

After talking to both my counselor and my coach yesterday, it seems like the repeated theme right now is "Time to Establish Some Boundaries."  I have to say, the words they were speaking sounded so familiar to me.  They sounded like something my friend Cynthia and I have been talking about for years--most often in relation to food.

There are so many things in our lives that can become unbalanced and nudge God out.  Things that also keep us from doing what God wants us to do with our lives.  Time again to turn an ear Godward and listen. (Really, is there ever a time to stop doing that?!)

Some counsel I received yesterday:
- Ask yourself, "Could I live with myself if this didn't happen?"  (Whatever is begging for my time or attention)

- Remind myself that doing things because I think there is no one else who can or will do them is not a good reason to say "Yes"

- Revisit an old object lesson I had learned.  Start with a big jar (my life) and put the big rocks in it first (those things that are the top priority).  Then add the smaller stones that still fit without crowding out the rocks.  If it is possible, add some sand (the smaller, insignificant things).  Ask myself if this is a rock, a stone or sand when I am evaluating if I should or shouldn't do something.  But I have to know what the rocks are FIRST.  If I start filling the jar with sand and stones before I put in the rocks, then the rocks definitely won't fit.

- Make my answer to every question asked of me, "Let me run that by Dan and I'll get back to you."  Dan wants to be my protector and he knows what is best for me.  (True story!)

- When in conflict, only tackle one thing at a time.  Don't try to take on multiple issues at once or you will bleed out.  Deep breath and...one things at a time.

- Set a schedule that works for me and for my family.  Only coach others on that schedule.  Only do tasks according to that schedule.  I can't be all to everyone at all times.  (This is a big one for me!)

- Realize that not everyone will respect your boundaries, but you MUST.  It doesn't matter what other people say or do. 

Right!  Right!  These are good things to learn.  And to learn apart from food.  Excellent!