The Freedom Journals: #3 Don't Listen To Shame!

I have spent my whole life consumed by pleasing others.

When I was in college, I had this really awesome mentor named Eric Bennett, who handed me a piece of paper one day.  It said nothing more than this: "Seal of Approval  -EB"

He gave it to me because he saw how hard I was striving to please him.  I wanted to be the hardest worker, the most passionate Christian, the dearest friend, the funniest person, the most popular, the smartest...I wanted everyone to like me, like me, like me!  And I was killing myself to make it happen.

So, one day, he hands me this paper.  

It's been TWENTY YEARS since I received that gift.  I really didn't understand it when he gave it to me.  But I've never forgotten it.  

As the years have continued, I have realized the power of that one word.  "Approval"  

When I thought about including this story in my post today, I knew EXACTLY where to find that piece of paper.  I still have it.  That's how powerful it was for me.

I didn't just go to the hospital because I was sick back in September.  I was unraveling from the inside out.  My anxiety level was at an all-time high.  I felt like I was walking a tightrope with a thousand people just waiting for me to fall to my death.  (Two of my biggest fears?  Heights and falling.  Literally and figuratively!) 

I never imagined when I made my Free to Be the Woman video that it would get the attention it got.  As I type this, it sits at over 7,000 views.  Now, that may be nothing compared to 2 million views, but for a small town, Lancaster County girl's first-ever-video, that's basically viral.

I was dealing with my own inner demons, but suddenly, I felt like I was facing them on a stage.  One day--I will never forget this moment--we were walking into a local restaurant and I was actually thinking about getting something other than a "lean and green" salad.  Something healthy, but not something within the guidelines of the plan I follow.  

A lady held the door for me and smiled.  "Does everyone know you everywhere you go?" she asked.  

"Ummm...no.  Do *I* know you?"  She didn't look familiar to me, and I usually don't forget faces.

"No, but I know you because of your video.  You're such an inspiration!"

Ugh!  In that moment I realized, I can never walk into a restaurant and make a choice without someone possibly watching (read: judging) what I was eating, because even people I didn't know recognized me now.  That evening, I bagged my thought of eating a healthy off-plan choice and ordered a salad I didn't want to eat--and resented it with every.single.bite.

That night--and all of its realizations--started a wild, out of control spiral for me.  I resented the fact that I couldn't just be free to eat what I wanted without judgement.  I resented the fact that I felt like I was being watched.  Thus began a lot of secrecy and lying for me.  Here's what those lies looked like:

Me, walking into YoFro.  Me, getting a heaping cup of salted caramel frozen yogurt and topping it until the whole thing cost me $10.  Me, asking for a lid and saying loudly for all to hear, "I need a lid because I'm taking this home to my husband!"  Me, walking out in the darkness to my car and sitting alone, parked where no other cars were parked, and shoving $10 worth of ice cream down the hatch.

Now there is the guilt of overeating and lying!

By the start of 2014, I was telling a bigger lie.  I was saying, "I'm fine.  I can handle my life." But, truly, I was not even functioning.  Now, not only was I having panic attacks and heightened anxiety, I was officially depressed too.  See, I didn't just feel the guilt over the way I was choosing to live, I felt the SHAME.  My need to be seen as perfect and have other people think highly of me, knowing that I was falling, had me locked down in secrecy, silence and judgement.

Do you know the difference between guilt and shame?  I didn't.  

Shame: I am bad

Guilt: I did something bad

Guilt: I'm sorry, I made a mistake

Shame: I'm sorry, I AM a mistake

Theodore Roosevelt once said this:  

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Shame is the opposite of freedom.  

Shame keeps us locked down in heavy shackles.  Shame keeps us on the other side of the arena door saying, "You don't want to go out there.  You don't actually want to fight in that fight...and LOSE...in front of all of the people, do you?  You?  You're not smart enough to win.  You're not pretty enough for people to want to watch you."  

Shame knows everything about you, so it also says, "You didn't ever earn a college degree--how pathetic is THAT?  You ignored your kids all morning and then your first interaction with them was yelling.  That automatically disqualifies you.  You think you love Jesus?  Pfff...how much time have you spent reading his word and praying today?  Come back when you're more spiritual."  

These are Shame's words.

And they keep us from opening the door to the arena of really big things in our life, because we are so afraid that shame is right.

But if we push past Shame and open that door, guess what?

The critique we see pointing and laughing is US!  It's really not other people.  Other people are too afraid everyone else is pointing and laughing at them.

Oh sure, there are people with some very loud (and hurtful) opinions.  But none louder and more hurtful than the opinions I have in my own head about myself.  I own the opinions of others so strongly because they only confirmed what I believed was true in the first place, right?

You know what else Shame keeps us from doing? 


Being vulnerable.

Shame doesn't want you to know that vulnerability is the birthplace of whole-hearted living and where true connection with people happens.

Shame says, "Don't be vulnerable!  That's so weak!  And it's so emotionally risky."

But you know what is true?

Being vulnerable is not weak.  Being vulnerable is pure courage, Friends.

When we are vulnerable about the things in our life that are broken and flawed and shattered...guess what happens?  

We get to see the Truth of this verse, right here:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

You want to know the abounding grace of God?  Be vulnerable about your weak places.  You want to see the power of Christ rest on your life?  Vulnerability, Baby!

If you know Dan and I, you know we are super creative people.  We are always thinking outside of the box, always wanting (almost needing) to create something...  Well, I'm learning that vulnerability is the birth place of innovation, creativity and change.  To create something is make something that didn't exist before and that is very vulnerable.  And then, people have a lot of opinions about your creation.  And then guess what follows?  Shame.  And guess what dies?  Creativity.

This is a total spiritual awakening for me.  

Freedom look like not having to please others.  It's being handed a sign that says this: "Seal of Approval.  -JC"  See Jesus gave us that sign.  He gave us that seal.  He's like, "Listen, Julie.  Stop striving.  Start resting.  There is absolutely nothing you can add to what I've already given you.  You are forgiven.  Your debt is paid.  You didn't deserve it when I died for you, you still don't deserve it--that's all true.  But I did it anyway, because I love you and found you worthy."  Got it?  So, when I go out into the arena, and finally have the courage to turn that knob and walk out on the stage...there is an audience of One that ought to matter to me.  And he already handed me a sign that says, "Seal of approval."  

Freedom looks like I don't do things perfectly, I can't do it all, I do sweat, I do make mistakes.  I'm not super mom, I'm not the 1950's Mrs. Clever housewife, my house is a disaster which only looks clean compared to the disaster in my heart.  To admit these things is freedom.  To try to do it all, to be perfect, to look amazing...well, that's just a prescription for a lot of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds.  (And those make you gain weight!)  

Freedom looks like vulnerability and empathy.  The two most powerful words when we're struggling are "me too!"  The responses I've received from my blog readers over these Freedom Journals have brought tears to my eyes.  You're all crying out for "more!"  You're all thanking me for making you feel like you're not the only one.  What if we ALL lived our lives like we're writing The Freedom Journals?  Be courageous!  God's grace will be sufficient for you.  He promises. 

Freedom looks like being honest NOW.  If I wait to be honest until I am bullet proof and have it all together, I will never be honest.  It is risky to be honest.  But it is freedom.

One last story...

I spent all day yesterday having regrets that I shared about our finances.  

This weekend we are putting in a new fence in our yard.  When I asked for a truck on FB, I didn't want to publicly say why we needed it.  I felt like I needed to say, "Our neighbor is paying for the fence panels in exchange for us doing all of the labor!"  Which really is screaming, "PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Monday is Dan's birthday and Tuesday it's his mom's.  On Wednesday we are going to Sight & Sound.  I thought, "I can't take pictures of that trip, because people will say, 'you're $30K in debt, but you're paying to go to the theater?'"  I want to yell, "Someone gifted us with those tickets!"  Which is really screaming, "PLEASE APPROVE!"

I was confessing this to my friend Dana this morning.  She simply said, "Yeah, stop worrying what other people think.  They don't need to know."  

OH...freedom looks like "stop worrying what other people think."  

Anchor: I am known...I am loved...that is enough.  That has always been enough.  That WILL ALWAYS be enough.

I want to be free of needing the approval of man.  "If God is for me, who can be against me."  

The Freedom Journals: #2 What if Mrs. Jones is Going Bankrupt?!

I like to think of Dan and I as "humble spenders."  What we want and what we have don't align--because we're "humble."

We WANT  a modest home on an acre of land, fenced in for the dog and kids to play freely in nature.

We HAVE a city duplex, half fenced in because we never finished the project, a yard dug up by a puppy and neighbors who scare me too much to let the kids play alone.

We WANT really beautiful furnishings and accessories in every room of the house.  I mean, HELLO, I married an architect and designer with amazing taste!

We HAVE kind of cool stuff from IKEA and stuff that we got for free from people.  We mix, we match, we do our best.  Still, our coffee table has a hole in it from where a kid stomped on a pacifier while using it as a performance stage.  Our dining table has a scratch on it from where I slid a box across it that contained a sharp object jutting out of it.  The dog chewed up the underside of our leather couch and the kids spilled something red on our used-to-be-beautiful tan sectional.

I've been okay with what we have, because I feel like it's important to be a generous person.  I'd rather give to others, than have for myself.

Okay...time to cut the crap!

I want to keep up with the Jones and it makes me really made that we're in our 40's and can't afford a home in the suburbs.  I get pissed that we both work hard and we have very little to show for it.  

I have two sisters who seem to always have money.  Granted, they are 10 years older than me...but 10 years ago, they still seemed to have money!  I've never seemed to have money.  

I can't keep up with them.  I wish I had a house like one of theirs.  I wish I had their piece of property.  I wish I could spend money on my kids the way they do or could afford to go on beach vacations.  I wish I could buy Mom a gift that costs more than $10 for Mother's Day.

It's not just my sisters.  It's my friends.  Younger friends who are much more financially sound than we are.  Or at least that's how it looks.  It makes me feel like we need more than what we have.

I don't want to let anyone know that we're in our 40's and our finances are in the crapper.

THERE IS NOTHING HUMBLE ABOUT US!

Let's get that clear right from the start.

About three years ago, we were out of debt.  We were living within our means.  And we DID NOT LIKE IT!  We wanted more.  So, I started working harder...writing more and eventually coaching and running a business of my own.  Money started pouring in.  And then Dan got laid off in April 2013.  We didn't miss a beat though, thanks to my work.

We started to get a little over confident.  "Look how God is taking care of us!" (And He was)

We went on two vacations in 2013.  We flew our family to both.  We stayed in 5 star hotels for both.  We dined in amazing restaurants.

We started making home improvements, because Dan was home and had the time.  

We bought a dog.  The dog had allergies.  We paid vet bills.

We bought a car.  A modest car, a car we needed...well, "needed."  

Dan started back to work around August, gradually building his hours back up to full-time again.  

And then, in September...I got sick!

Let me pause for a moment.  In 2013 we made more money than we have ever made in our entire lives.  So, let me be up front about that.

Today, we are in over $30K worth of consumer and medical debt.  That does not include our home and our car.

Just being honest.

Remember.  3 years ago, debt free.  Last year, the most money we've ever made.  This year, the most debt we've ever had.

Are we "humble spenders?"  No.

The more money we made, the more we felt the pressure to keep up with the Jones'.  

And even after we knew we were in a crisis--we went on spending, ignoring the fact that our outgoing expenses were exceeding our income. Every. Single. Month.

Do you know what I mean about the social pressures to keep up with everyone around you?

Let me suggest something to you.  What if Mrs. Jones has everything you want, but she is on the cusp of going bankrupt!?  You don't get to see that, do you?

Because I know there are people who are looking at my life on social media and thinking, "I wish I had her life."  (God, I don't know who those people are, but would you please change their thinking?!) You see a happy family on vacations, going on outings, wearing nice clothing, being generous about providing school lunches, attending every conference...

People, it is a LIE!  

And it is the opposite of freedom.

Freedom looks like saving for the things you want, not buying them on impulse.  It really does look like living within your means.  Because, here's the thing...people who don't live within their means are more prone to divorce, bankruptcies, trauma and addictions.  I don't know about you, but none of those sound great to me. 

Freedom looks like being intentional with every dollar you spend--because spending it on "that thing" means you don't have it to spend on something else you may need later.  And let's talk about "wants" for a minute.  What do you really want?  Look at what brings you the most joy.  Is it your stuff or is it the times when you get to rest and play and be around the people you love the most?  We can't rest and play if we've tied our worth to what we own or produce.  We can't.  Because if that's where our worth is found, then we will be tied to making more money and producing more results.  I know, because that's where I was living for the past two years.  Produce more!  Make more!  Have everything you want!  And it was at the expense of what I loved most and what brought me the most joy.

Freedom looks like knowing that stuff doesn't buy you happiness.  Sure, aside from the fact that we spent what we didn't have, I am glad we had those vacations with our family last year.  We had a GREAT time.  But you wanna know the truth?  The truth is, my kids had the best time of their lives this past weekend in the mountains with our friends--where we spent virtually no money, had little to no technology, no trips to LEGOland or Rain Forest Cafe...just campfires, open fields and undivided attention.  It wasn't about the money we spent--that's not where the happiness was from.  It was from being together!

Freedom is recognizing that there is NO SHAME in being content with where God has you, without striving to be more than you ought to be at this time.  That's financially, spiritually, physically.  We spend so much effort comparing ourselves to others.  What if we spent that effort looking to God and breathing in who HE wants us to be?  God has called us to something.  Are you (am I) walking in the calling and legacy God has for you (me)?  Again, is my identity rooted in "I am known...I am loved...that is enough"?  (see yesterday's post for more on that)  

And once again...Freedom looks like being honest. Say no when you need to say no.  It's uncomfortable.  But where we are right now is infinitely more uncomfortable than a moment of discomfort that comes from disappointing someone else. 

I'll wrap it up with these shockers...

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a beautiful friend of mine.  I ate my food, walked up to the counter to pay and heard the words no one wants to hear.  "Your card was declined."  I actually thought it was the bank's mistake.  It couldn't possibly be that I was out of money.

But I was.

Today, I need to buy whipped cream to take to the kids' recital tonight.  I also needed to put gas in my car.  I gathered all the change in the house, headed to the store and used the change machine to generate $85 in cash. (Change adds up!)  It was the only way I could buy whipped cream and gas.  Humbling.

So, there you have it.  The Garners have Dutch Wonderland passes, but we can't buy lunch or whipped cream.  The Garners belong to the YMCA and the pool this summer, but we can't afford to put gas in our car.  Which do you think you'll get to see on Facebook and Instagram?

Why am I writing about this?

Because I don't want a single person to look at the Garners and want to be us!  JUST STOP.

Be you.  Live within your means.  Live out your own calling and legacy.  

Certainly, learn from us.  Know that if you're in a finical crisis, you're not alone.  Don't keep ignoring it.  Get help!  We are.

It's not about how much money you make.  You can always make more.  You can always work harder.  But that's really not the answer.  That's like putting a band aid on a broken leg.

This isn't a money problem we are having.  This is a heart problem.

I want to be FREE.  Who's with me?  Who is willing to live daringly and counter culturally?  Who is willing to seek God's approval over man's?   Who is willing to ask for help if you need it?  

One. Humble. Unapologetic. Step. At. A. Time.

The steps toward freedom...

You know my greatest fear in sharing this?  Suddenly being judged for every dime we spend. But I am willing to rise above the judgement and shame that other people want to give me, just so a few of you know that you are not alone.  Judge away.  Because freedom looks like, "I'm not perfect."

The Freedom Journals: #1 Being Honest

Freedom: the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Beautiful word, isn’t it? 

When I made my "Free to be the Woman" video, freedom looked like being able to move and be active and engage in life without the hindrance or restraint of 100 extra pounds.  

But do you know what else freedom is?  The freedom to do and go anywhere without any restraint.  That means, sometimes--no ALL the time--we have have the freedom to go back to the things that make us comfortable, or bring us pleasure, or entice us in any number of ways.

I went on to lose more weight since the making of “Free to Be the Woman” and my whole life was changing.  But, in September 2013, my world was rocked with a completely unexpected health scare.  I flew headlong into some of the darkest months of my entire life. Many days, the hardest thing for me was getting out of bed (and some days I didn’t).  I returned to my 40 year default position of eating away my pain.

I want to be really honest with you, because it can be too easy to hide behind smiling before/now photos and social networking statuses that regale tales of amazement when a long awaited weight loss break-through finally occurs. Are you ready for honest?  

When I started my weight loss plan in December of 2012, I was SO ready to change my life. And I did.  I lost 120 pounds.  But, then life got messy and things spun out of my control.  Depression and anxiety crept back in—because these kinds of difficulties show no mercy for certain sizes or past successes.

I found myself completely and utterly burned out.  I was (perhaps still am, at times) very lost. The things I have loved to do and felt called to do in my life literally turned to ashes in my mouth.  

I eat ashes for food.

My tears run down into my drink

Psalm 102: 9

When opportunity upon opportunity started opening up for me—chances to speak, to write, to be published, to inspire greater amounts of people—things I always dreamed would happen in my life—I took these blessings and pursued them out of selfish-ambition and ego.  And I fell flat on my face. 

Has that ever happened to any of you?  You’ve worked too hard?  Served too much?  Recklessly said “Yes” to every single thing that came your way?  And suddenly the very thing and people you love the most taste like bitter poison?  

I’ve gained most of my weight back in a very short time, because instead of facing my reality, I ate it.  

I mean, no one likes to show THIS kind of progress, right?  It's all cool to show a before and after when you've lost weight, but THIS is the truth right here.  The journey isn't perfect.  This is part of it.  This is real.  This is honest.  And this is freedom.  Someone has to tell you the whole story!  There IS no fairy tale, Friends.  But you know what hasn't changed in these two pictures?  That man standing beside me who is my anchor and my support and who loves me the same today as he did a year ago--if not more!  NOW THAT is FREEDOM!  That's what matters, right?

But now, I AM leaving the wilderness of my own making.  Fear wants to urge me not to do it—not to even share this with anyone.  But, I MUST get back to my anchor again, and being honest is the first step toward TRUE freedom.

How can I experience HOPE and FREEDOM again after such a humbling fall?  

By taking one faithful step at a time…and mixing in some proper perspective.  

Freedom looks like no longer thinking in extremes.  No longer being "all or nothing" but learning to be balanced and moderate in my thoughts and action.  (Not something that comes easily to this extraverted, intuitive, deep feeling sanguine!)  

Freedom looks like saying "no" when I mean no and "yes" when I really want to say yes.  As Brene Brown says, it means choose discomfort over resentment.  (Get it?  The moment of not pleasing someone over my "no" vs. saying "yes" and dealing with my own resentment.)  

Freedom looks like laying down perfectionism.  Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.  I can attest to that!  That is EXACTLY what it did to me.

Freedom looks like going back to the anchor of my identity and sitting there until I believe it and know it again.  For me this looks like, “I am known by God…I am loved by God.  That is enough.  That has ALWAYS been enough.  That WILL always be enough."

This is a journey.  It truly isn’t a destination. It’s a journey for freedom—to be free, indeed!  So, I am free to be the woman who falls down, but gets back up.  Who is broken, but not discarded.  Who is weak, but so very strong through Christ who gives me strength.

If these things wouldn't have happened to me, and I would have gone on losing weight and being "awesome" in the eyes of so many people--I would never be learning these very valuable lessons that will serve me so well as I live out the second half of my life.  I hope they will serve you well, too!  God wastes NOTHING in our lives.  Out of the ashes comes beauty.  Always.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

As a certified health coach, I offer specific tools for weight loss and support to work through the difficult obstacles that come with being overweight and obese.  It is not a one-size-fits-all plan, but it is a healthy and effective approach to fueling your body properly and working on habits of health.  For support, contact me through my website. 

Also,  I share candidly about life as an obese woman and the freedom of transformation in Christ (not just outwardly, but inwardly). I am a speaker, blogger and writer.  To reach me directly email me and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Climbing Our Own Mount Everest

Recently on Netflix, I came across the movie “Into Thin Air.” This movie reenacts the disastrous events that took place during the Mount Everest climb on May 10, 1996. Krakhauer was actually on that fateful climbing expedition where eight people were caught in a blizzard and died on Mount Everest during summit attempts. That year, fifteen people died trying to reach the summit, making it the deadliest year in Mount Everest's history until last month’s avalanche killed 16 guides on the mountain.

As the Earth's highest mountain, Mount Everest is a beast that not many have conquered.  To climb it from base to peak is over 5 miles of ascent, with the ridge taking a slight dip before rising abruptly in a rocky spur some 40 feet high just before the true summit.  The air is thin, the conditions treacherous and the weather needs to be exact.

In 1953 something special happened.  A massive expedition took place on Everest. 350 porters to haul equipment, 20 Sherpa mountain guides, and tons of supplies were rallied to support a vanguard of only ten climbers.  Of the 10 climbers, only the fittest two would be chosen to attempt the summit. 

  

Those two would be Ed Hillary and Tenzing Norgay.  On May 29^th of that year, these men would become the first people to stand atop the world's highest mountain.

They would do it in a powerful partnership.

With the support of the entire team who traversed the mountain face with them, their final ascent went from IMPOSSIBLE to POSSIBLE.

Climbing Our Own Everest

My weight loss journey has felt like my own personal Mount Everst.

Standing at the base of the mountain, looking at how far I am from the top, it is tempting to turn around and say, “Forget it.” OR “This is going to be too hard.” OR “This is not really worth it.”

Imagine the adventures and the views that would be missed if fear prevented moving one step closer to the peak. 

One thing is very certain though…

It will take a powerful partnership.  We cannot do this climb without a whole team who is willing to at least go with us part of the way, and that one partner who will summit with us—no matter how hard it gets.

This past week in the news, I read a story of a climber whose partner got injured just before the summit of Mount Hood.  Sadly, the climber decided to summit the mountain alone.  And he died.  The conditions were too treacherous to handle without the support of a companion climber.

Our climb is also too dangerous and important to risk taking alone.  We need our health coach, our community of support, and our entire bionetwork.  We need the Habits of Health to learn and to grow.  We need the advice and encouragement of those who have climbed the mountain before us.

If you wanted to climb Mount Everest would you just fly to Nepal and do it?

No.  You would become a student of the mountain. 

You would talk to people who have already climbed it and learn all you can.

You would read books and study both the mountain and the skills necessary to become an expert climber.

You would invest in the proper gear.  You would not be stingy about it either.  You’d want to know you had the best packs, harnesses, helmets, axes, lighting and gloves possible.  You would want the proper attire and shelter for the conditions.  You would study the weather patterns and have a plan of escape should the conditions become too dangerous.  You would climb smaller mountains before you attempted the mac-daddy mountain, to gain experience, confidence and skills.

The same is true for optimal health.  We can’t just expect to climb the mac-daddy mountain without having very important criteria in place.

So, what gear do you need to have in place to move toward success?  Foods, strategies, distractions from food, etc...

Who is your support team?  And ultimately, who will be your powerful partner?  It takes an army of support—you can’t do it alone.  For me, my coach happens to be one of the experienced guides but DAN is my powerful partner who will actually summit with me.  And I have a HUGE community of support around me—including many of you reading this!  (THANK YOU!)  

How can you learn everything you need to know, becoming a student of optimal health? I feel so blessed with the Habits of Health book, workbook and DVD, but I also need other reading materials on health, fitness, the brain, habits, etc… 

And practice, practice, practice. 

This is hardly Mount Everest, but it was an actual climb that felt impossible to me--but I DID IT!

We CAN summit!   The IMPOSSIBLE can absolutely become POSSIBLE, if we’re willing to look up from the base of the mountain and know that everything required between here and the peak is going to be worth it—no matter how hard it is and no matter how many attempts we make to get there.  It's not a race.  It's an accomplishment.

Why Am I So Sad? (Not Anymore!)

Ah, it's been awhile since I've written on the blog.  It feels good to be back.

As many of you know, I have been in a self-professed personal crisis since the early fall.  Most of you don’t know how bad it has been.  And I’m not going to dwell on that, except to say there were many days when the hardest thing for me was getting out of bed (so some days I didn’t).  I returned to my 40 year default position of eating away my pain. (Doesn’t really work, I’ll tell ya that!)  

I’m about to get really honest with you.  Are you ready for that?  

If not, just move along...because I won't even know! 

These past seven months have been the darkest months of my entire life, and if you know me, you know I have had some very dark days in my past.  In full disclosure (not because you need to know, but because I know I need to tell you) I have gained back more than 80 of the 120 pounds I had lost.  (gasp, sigh, feel bad for me for a moment…okay, now get over it because I finally am)  Please know, there is a huge victory in me even sharing this, because all I have wanted to do is hide from everyone for the last half year.

Why have I been so sad? I have no good (or short) answer.  It was one thing compounded on top of another thing. Maybe the shortest and most accurate answer is that I lost my true identity in a wilderness of my own making.

When I started Take Shape for Life in December of 2012, I was SO ready to change my life. And I did.  But, I haven’t been able to getting my footing again, despite many, many, many attempts since the fall.  I now know that it is a very special gift to be able to do this plan successfully.  If you're one of my clients reading this, please don’t be offended…but previously, I thought it was the easiest thing ever and even sat in judgement those who couldn’t seem to do it.  “C’mon!  If you can’t do this, you’ll never be able to do ANYTHING!”  No, I never said it—but I did think it.  I have to eat some serious humble pie. 

This weekend, I had a wake up call.

Someone (Jen Hatmaker: author and speaker at a conference I attended) finally was able to shake me back to reality.  

Why have I been so sad?  

I have been completely and utterly burned out.  Friends, I have been very lost. The thing I have loved to do and felt called to do—coach many wonderful people to health and hope!—literally turned to ashes in my mouth.  I had thrown myself so headlong into helping others that I got lost in my calling and in the legacy I wanted to leave.  Opportunity upon opportunity started opening up for me—chances to speak, to write, to be published, to inspire greater amounts of people…these are all things I dreamed would happen in my life!  But I took these blessings and pursued them out of selfish-ambition and ego.  And I fell flat on my face. 

Has that ever happened to any of you?  You’ve worked too hard?  Served too much?  Recklessly said “Yes” to every single thing that came your way?  And suddenly the very thing and people you love the most taste bitter?  

And you know who got the worst of this little detour to Crazytown?  My family.  Jude, Kate and Dan need all the thanks and hugs and love for what I have put them through.

So, here’s the thing…

• I AM NOT quitting my role as a health coach, because Dan and I both believe it’s something I am called to do and that, with God’s help, I will overcome this time and have even more to offer others. 
• I AM leaving the wilderness of my own making.  Fear wants to urge me not to do it—not to even write this on my blog.  But, I MUST get back to my anchor again, and being honest and transparent is the first step toward freedom.

I FEEL HOPE AGAIN!  

How can I shift from being sad to experiencing hope again?  One step at a time…and some proper perspective.  Going back to the anchor of my identity and sitting there until I believe it and know it again.  For me this looks like, “I am known by God…I am loved by God.  That is enough.  That has ALWAYS been enough.  That WILL always be enough."

After I read this information below, which came out of Jen Hatmaker’s book “Interrupted,” I really should be nothing but grateful.  After reading this, WHY should *I* ever be so sad?  I have been crying over my blessings.  Reality Check, please!

INTERRUPTED:

·      Of the 6 billion people on planet earth, about 1.2 billion live on $.23 a day.

·    Half the world lives on less than $2 a day.

·      The wealthiest 1 billion people average $70 a day. (This places you and me in the upper, upper, upper percentages of the global population.)

·      If you make $35,000 annually, you are in the top 4 percent.

·      Someone dies of hunger every 16 seconds

·      Last year 22 million people died of preventable diseases; 10 million were children.

·      27 million children and adults are trapped in slavery (sex slaves, labor slaves, child soldiers, and child slaves) because of economic crisis.  More slaves exist today than ever before in human history.

·      More than 143 million children in the world have been orphaned or abandoned (equivalent to more than half the population of the United States)

o   In the last hour:

§  1,625 children were forced to the streets by the death or abuse of an adult

§  115 children became prostitutes

§  66 children under the age of fifteen were infected with HIV

·      Roughly 1 billion people in the world do not have suitable housing, and 100 million are entirely homeless

·      40 % of the world lacks basic water sanitation, resulting in disease, death, wastewater for drinking, and loss of immunity.

o   Americans consume 26 billion liter of bottled water a day.

·      We spend more annually on trash bags than nearly half the world spends on all goods combined.

·      4 out of 5 children worldwide work every day instead of go to school.

o   4 out of 5 Americans are high school graduates.

·      8% of the rest of the world owns a car

o   One-third of all American families own 3 cars.

·      Roughly 40 million people (the equivalent of about 7 Jewish holocausts) die annually of starvation, diseases and malnutrition

o   65% of U.S. adults and 15% of children and adolescents are overweight or obese.