The Freedom Journals: #1 Being Honest

Freedom: the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Beautiful word, isn’t it? 

When I made my "Free to be the Woman" video, freedom looked like being able to move and be active and engage in life without the hindrance or restraint of 100 extra pounds.  

But do you know what else freedom is?  The freedom to do and go anywhere without any restraint.  That means, sometimes--no ALL the time--we have have the freedom to go back to the things that make us comfortable, or bring us pleasure, or entice us in any number of ways.

I went on to lose more weight since the making of “Free to Be the Woman” and my whole life was changing.  But, in September 2013, my world was rocked with a completely unexpected health scare.  I flew headlong into some of the darkest months of my entire life. Many days, the hardest thing for me was getting out of bed (and some days I didn’t).  I returned to my 40 year default position of eating away my pain.

I want to be really honest with you, because it can be too easy to hide behind smiling before/now photos and social networking statuses that regale tales of amazement when a long awaited weight loss break-through finally occurs. Are you ready for honest?  

When I started my weight loss plan in December of 2012, I was SO ready to change my life. And I did.  I lost 120 pounds.  But, then life got messy and things spun out of my control.  Depression and anxiety crept back in—because these kinds of difficulties show no mercy for certain sizes or past successes.

I found myself completely and utterly burned out.  I was (perhaps still am, at times) very lost. The things I have loved to do and felt called to do in my life literally turned to ashes in my mouth.  

I eat ashes for food.

My tears run down into my drink

Psalm 102: 9

When opportunity upon opportunity started opening up for me—chances to speak, to write, to be published, to inspire greater amounts of people—things I always dreamed would happen in my life—I took these blessings and pursued them out of selfish-ambition and ego.  And I fell flat on my face. 

Has that ever happened to any of you?  You’ve worked too hard?  Served too much?  Recklessly said “Yes” to every single thing that came your way?  And suddenly the very thing and people you love the most taste like bitter poison?  

I’ve gained most of my weight back in a very short time, because instead of facing my reality, I ate it.  

I mean, no one likes to show THIS kind of progress, right?  It's all cool to show a before and after when you've lost weight, but THIS is the truth right here.  The journey isn't perfect.  This is part of it.  This is real.  This is honest.  And this is freedom.  Someone has to tell you the whole story!  There IS no fairy tale, Friends.  But you know what hasn't changed in these two pictures?  That man standing beside me who is my anchor and my support and who loves me the same today as he did a year ago--if not more!  NOW THAT is FREEDOM!  That's what matters, right?

But now, I AM leaving the wilderness of my own making.  Fear wants to urge me not to do it—not to even share this with anyone.  But, I MUST get back to my anchor again, and being honest is the first step toward TRUE freedom.

How can I experience HOPE and FREEDOM again after such a humbling fall?  

By taking one faithful step at a time…and mixing in some proper perspective.  

Freedom looks like no longer thinking in extremes.  No longer being "all or nothing" but learning to be balanced and moderate in my thoughts and action.  (Not something that comes easily to this extraverted, intuitive, deep feeling sanguine!)  

Freedom looks like saying "no" when I mean no and "yes" when I really want to say yes.  As Brene Brown says, it means choose discomfort over resentment.  (Get it?  The moment of not pleasing someone over my "no" vs. saying "yes" and dealing with my own resentment.)  

Freedom looks like laying down perfectionism.  Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.  I can attest to that!  That is EXACTLY what it did to me.

Freedom looks like going back to the anchor of my identity and sitting there until I believe it and know it again.  For me this looks like, “I am known by God…I am loved by God.  That is enough.  That has ALWAYS been enough.  That WILL always be enough."

This is a journey.  It truly isn’t a destination. It’s a journey for freedom—to be free, indeed!  So, I am free to be the woman who falls down, but gets back up.  Who is broken, but not discarded.  Who is weak, but so very strong through Christ who gives me strength.

If these things wouldn't have happened to me, and I would have gone on losing weight and being "awesome" in the eyes of so many people--I would never be learning these very valuable lessons that will serve me so well as I live out the second half of my life.  I hope they will serve you well, too!  God wastes NOTHING in our lives.  Out of the ashes comes beauty.  Always.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

As a certified health coach, I offer specific tools for weight loss and support to work through the difficult obstacles that come with being overweight and obese.  It is not a one-size-fits-all plan, but it is a healthy and effective approach to fueling your body properly and working on habits of health.  For support, contact me through my website. 

Also,  I share candidly about life as an obese woman and the freedom of transformation in Christ (not just outwardly, but inwardly). I am a speaker, blogger and writer.  To reach me directly email me and I will get back to you as soon as possible.