Overcoming "Rose-Colored Glasses Syndrome"

Is anyone else tired of comparisons?  You know, looking at other people's lives and wishing it were your reality?  In this day of social media, it's easy to catch glimpses of well-behaved children, super-hero moms, perfectly decorated homes, financial prosperity, adorable pets, fabulous wardrobes--shall I continue?

What I've found is, what we often see is NOT reality.  We only get to see what other people allow us to see.  Especially over the internet, but even in our face-to-face relationships.  

I blame Dan & I of having "Rose-Colored Glasses Syndrome." (Henceforth, referred to as RCGS) People struggling with RCGS do a lot of complaining behind closed doors.  They're fed up with their life, their spouse (or lack thereof), their children, their job, their finances, their friendships, their home...but when they get together with others, they paint rosy pictures about life and make everything seem better than fine.  We have had this chronic disease for as long as "we" have been a "we."  Life for the Garners is rose-colored-wonderful!  (NOT!)

What is the cure for RCGS?  Is there one?

Yes.

It starts with abandoning the notion of comparison.   And that's hard to do, since we've learned to compare ourselves starting at a very young age.  Living life honestly is very hard to do, because it requires acceptance of who we are and the reality of our lives.  

But acceptance doesn't mean settling.  Acceptance just means grace, really.  Having the grace to face the truth of today.  And the grace to have courage to take the next steps.

So, here's the deal.  I'm going to be honest with you.  

• I don't look in the mirror and get excited about what I see looking back at me.  I see every flaw, every imperfection, every bulge...at the expense of seeing any beauty.
• I love my children, but some days I don't really like them.  And many days I'm tired of being a mom. (See my Julie & the Whale post if you missed it!)
• I love my husband and I married my best friend, but most days we feel like two ships passing in the night.  He comes in the door and sometimes I forget to look up and say hello.  We certainly don't romantically greet one another with affectionate kisses and loving sentiments.
• Our love-life has been overtaken by our role as "Mom" and "Dad"...and we don't go on regular date nights.  Romance?  Well...we have high hopes for it again one day.
• My health journey is not perfect.  I'm a total sugar addict.  Sugar is like meth to me.  I've had wild success, but there is a lot of struggle and pain in the journey that isn't easy to share.  I lose weight.  I gain weight. 
• I wish I had never created a rap video, because it makes it hard to live up to what everyone (even strangers) now expects of me.
• Some days I don't like being a health coach.  It's not all happiness, it can be very hard work.  It hurts not to know how to help people you love.
• We have had the worst year of financial setbacks we have ever had and some days it feels like we will never emerge from the pit of debt and never-ending bills.
• Our puppy peed on our bed--twice.  He's cute, but sometimes he makes us really mad.
• I had to cancel a bus trip that I spent MONTHS planning...and I felt like a total loser, even though I couldn't possibly control the weather.  I let other people's responses drag me into a bad place. 
• I have panic attacks sometimes.  And I live in a constant state of anxiety, at varying levels.
• I get depressed.  Not just sad.  Depressed.

The Rose-Colored Glasses are officially OFF.

So, maybe you've been thinking about what it might be like to work with me as a health coach.  Well, there's something important for you to know.   

I'm NOT perfect.  If you're looking for someone who has never strayed from healthy eating, who has perfectly gotten to their healthy BMI, who knows the habits of health inside and out, who applies healthy habits to life every day, who always knows exactly the right thing to say, who has never gained any weight back, who coaches with 100% consistency....well, then I'm not your coach.

But if you'd like to walk alongside someone who knows a little something about bring imperfect, but who is willing to make imperfect progress...

If you don't mind someone who knows what it's like to fall down (hard) and still get up...

If it doesn't bother you to share the journey with someone who sees all the imperfections and still sees HOPE and JOY and BLESSINGS and FREEDOM.  

Then, here I am!

I'm just recovering from RCGS.  I'm ready to stop comparing myself to others and to start living the life I was given--with gratitude for the millions of gifts and blessings I truly HAVE been given!

I'm an imperfect wife, mother and certified health coach (through Villanova University's Center for Obesity Prevention and Education).  I help people reclaim health in their lives through walking alongside them through weight loss and building habits of health.  I am a regular person who has tried and failed many times in my life.  I happen to have successfully lost a lot of weight, and continue on my weight loss journey even now.  My services are free to those who want to walk this path with me.  I am blessed, honored and grateful.  Feel free to contact me.

It's Just Practicing Habits

"Habits are to life as rails are to a train." -Charlotte Mason

Our children attend a half day, Charlotte Mason model school that works in cooperation with home school families.  Seeing what and how they are learning in school makes me wish I could go back and get my education again--"do-over, please!"

For Jude & Kate, school is simply about learning and practicing new habits each and every day.  Everything is a habit and everything is simply learned through practicing.  There are character habits...

These are the character habits they are practicing at school:

OBEDIENCE |THINKING | CONCENTRATING | THOUGHTFULNESS

GOOD MANNERS | REMEMBERING | ALERTNESS | FORTITUDE

THOROUGHNESS | ATTENTION | TRUTHFULNESS | SELF DISCIPLINE | SELF CONTROL

And then there are academic habits, like learning to read, to do math, to study art, to comprehend...etc...

But this isn't a blog post to plug Poiema School or Charlotte Mason, though I do love both!  This is a blog post to talk about how this concept of habit forming has been changing the way I think.

Jude reads his card to his 95 year old great grandfather

It's Hard Work to Get Good At Something
I watch my seven-year-old struggle with his math homework. He's pretty good at adding and subtracting, but as soon as we put multiple columns and stack more than two numbers together, his brain freezes.  He knows 10 + 10 and he knows 20+5, but when you put 10+10+5 in front of him, he gets noticeably anxious.  It looks big and scary to him.

Should it scare him?  No.  It's simple, right?

But he hasn't mastered the simplicity of it yet.  Something hasn't clicked in his brain.  And in order for it to click, we need to practice those kinds of problems over and over again.  It's okay when he gets the answer wrong.  Dan and I don't make him feel stupid--because he's not.  He just needs more practice.  It's okay if he reaches a breaking point where his head hurts and he needs to take a break from it.  Take a break, but let's come back to it and keep trying.

Jude struggles to do math.  He struggles to read.  But he won't always struggle in this way.  One day he will look at 10+10+5 and, without even needing to think, know the answer is 25.  One day, he will read without having to sound out every word.  He will write like I am writing now...without thought for "how do I spell that?" or "how is that letter formed?"

I think Jude has a natural propensity toward rhythm and drumming.  Since he was a baby he has been drumming perfect beats to music.  What then shall we do?  Not give him drum lessons and say, "You don't need them, honey.  No one needs to teach you, because God has given you a gift."  Not have him practice?  "You don't need to practice, Jude.  This is the way you were born."  No...even the natural God-given gifts need practice to become good habits.  And...aren't practicing and learning great habits in and of themselves?

I think sometimes we look at healthy people and say, "They're just naturally healthy."  Or we see our own abilities and say, "That comes naturally to me, so I don't need to spend time on that."

Habits don't come "naturally"--even if people say they're a "natural" at something.  Everything requires practice.

Kate and her friend practice their letters

How Can I Adopt Habits of Health?
A habit is a propensity to respond to a given situation in a certain way.  The more deeply ingrained a habit, the more consistent the response.  Because it's habitual, I don't need to think about the response.  It happens automatically, because a neuromuscular habit has been formed in my brain.

For 20 years, I had some really terrible habits of health.

• I ate a lot of junk food and developed a love for it.
• I overate constantly
• I ate in secrecy, in darkness
• I hid wrappers so no one would know how much I ate (I lied)
• I finished every meal with a dessert
• I sat in front of the TV and stuffed my face
• I ate in the car--cramming cheeseburgers and french fries down the hatch in 5 minutes flat
• I didn't do any activity and spent my days sitting
• I got very little sleep, staying up as late as I could for "me time" and hitting the snooze for an hour every dreaded morning
• I didn't manage my stress and habitually had panic attacks

So, the last two years, I've set out to learn new habits.  And for awhile it was AWESOME because those habits were producing results I wanted to see in my life.  But when the results were no long enough motivation, the tenacity of those habits became strained.  The rails that my train had been running on hit a "switch" and I started running down some old familiar tracks again.

Did you know that when a habit is formed it actually changes the gray matter in your brain?

The more you repeat an activity, the network of brain cells (neurons) that work together to perform that activity fire more frequently and easily the next time.  Hebb's law.  Brain cells that fire together are wired together.  So, the more often I repeat an activity, the easier that activity becomes.  If I do something once (eat ice cream OR walk away from the dessert table), the neutrons want to do it a second time.  If I do it again, then it's easier to do it the third time.  We are in the process of getting a new brain every time we learn something.

Huh.  I didn't know that. I learned that through Charlotte Mason and Bill & Maryellen St. Cyr with Ambleside Schools International.

So, is it normal to think that I would return to old habits?  Yes.

In the past, I would have called this FAILURE.

But what IS failure?

I just need to get back on the right track.  And I can do that, because I've laid good track in the past, and I can lay good track again.  I just need to go back to PRACTICING the habits I want in my life.  The more I practice them, the easier they become.

I was told years ago that I have a "Compulsive Eating Disorder."  I found that helpful, when I wanted to find an explanation for why I ate so much.  But it didn't serve me when it came to wanting to change.

As Bill St. Cyr points out, "If I frame the poor behavior as a habit, then there is something I can do about it.  But if I frame is as a medical diagnosis or a disorder, then I am stuck.  I become a victim of my neurobiology.  We may have a brain that isn’t well-tooled for healthy habits, but if we practice habits…we can retrain our brain."

So, I will not lose heart.  I will be like the second grader learning to read.  I won't go stomping off angry and saying, "I can't do this!  I TOLD you I can't do this!  I will always be fat." (Well...some days I might!)

I will preserve.  I will do the homework assigned to me, even if it means I miss out on playtime.  I will struggle through it with the support of people who love me and can encourage me to keep going.  I will not speak poorly of myself and tell myself that I am stupid (or made-to-be-fat)--because I am not.

I will practice!

I will practice...

• Eating 6 small, healthy meals a day
• Drinking water
• Getting activity into my day
• Going to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep
• Saying "no" so I am not overwhelmed and overly stressed
• Breathing
• Love

When I look at it this way, it doesn't matter how long it takes me to make these habits stick...I know I can keep practicing them and valuing their importance in my life.

For more information on "What is A Habit" by Bill St. Cyr--here is his 8 minute video: