Moving Ahead

Closure.

We even need closure with our bondage.

I knew three days ago that I need to walk out of my prison cell, away from my chains and out into the dark corridors. I'm not destined for the darkness, I am destined for the LIGHT! I was not created to be a prisoner, I was created to be FREE! But freedom requires trust and faith. It can look scarier than the "comforts" of my chains, but the great shepherd is with me. I need not fear.

For three days, I sat in my cell. I touched every chain one last time, almost as if to say "good-bye." I hugged my knees to my chest and sat in the sliver of light from that window that had previously given me so much hope. I looked at the door, and I begged for the courage to walk through it.

You may think that a prisoner would be so excited to be set free. I visit my dear friend David in the state prison. It's a harrowing experience, even for the visitor. The moment I enter the parking lot, I become "guilty by association." No matter how many times I've gone, my heart still beats out of my chest as I strip off every possible item that may set off a metal detector and scour my hands and arms to make sure there is not a hint of drugs on me for the drug test. Um...I've never used drugs in my life, but traces of drugs can be found on things we handle, like money. So, I am tested and might be accused...denied my "rights" to visit a loved one for something I didn't do. I don't relax for a second until I see David walk through the visit room door. Then, all the world disappears for three or four hours and we can forget for a short time that life will never be "normal" again.

David is serving two life sentences. He will never be free. Ask him what freedom would mean to him and he might not say "going home!" Why? Because he doesn't believe that will ever happen for him. The law prevents it. So, freedom for him means getting to order something he likes from the commissary. Or being able to communicate freely via telephone with friends and family. At any moment, the small freedoms can be stripped away. He can be sent to solitary--a living hell--or put on lockdown for an unknown period of time. David's world has been reduced, but he has had to learn how to function in it and make it his home. He does that with the utmost grace and trust in God. He KNOWS his real freedom is not something that will ever happen externally, but absolutely can (and does) happen internally. David is one of the most FREE people I know! Maybe he understands freedom better than I do.

I've been a prisoner for more than half my life. The law also says I will never be free. BUT, Christ came and took my place--setting me forever free from the law of sin and death. So, unlike my friend, I have the chance to walk out and step into the fullness of light! But I linger here, fixated on this place I've adjusted to and called "home" for so long. Why am I not RUNNING out the door? I think, if someone told David that he'd take his place and serve his two life sentences--David would RUN.

I don't know why I couldn't run out the door. I needed closure.

But today I stepped out. I took the courage and the faith that God gave me as I crouched on the floor and begged. I was able to stand up, with His help. I was able to wipe the tears off my dirty face, as He comforted me. And, today, I was able to walk out of the door and follow His voice.

What if I get scared? I will close my eyes tightly, push my back against the wall, press my hands against my ears and quietly say, "Help me!" And He will.

I will not run back.

I am free! And I am going to DANCE!!!

A Look Back: Part 2

There is more to life than a sliver of light...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you thought you'd never get it?  But then you do.

Have you ever been hurt and confused by what God is doing in your life?  And then, one day it all makes sense to you.

Dan was my best friend for seven years before he asked me to marry him.  The day we met I heard the Lord say to me, "This is the man you're going to marry."  It was ludicrous!   I had only spoken a few very awkward words to this young man and didn't feel any attraction to him--you know, that "love at first sight" kind of feeling.  In fact, I had no way of ever seeing him again after that night.  But God worked out all of those details. (That's another story, maybe for another blog post)

The seven years I waited for Dan were full of hurt and confusion.  At the time, those years parsed out the very things that kept me bound--rejection, betrayal, abuse, abandonment, and fear.  God used those years to set me free from those chains.

I've been overweight for 21 years.  Obese for most of them.

I thought the journey toward marriage was the greatest faith journey I'd have in my life.  I was wrong.

Let me just say, through my weight loss, new chains have been uncovered.

Two months before Dan proposed to me, he walked out of my house and left me.  It was my greatest fear.  It appealed to every chain that had bound me in the past.  But that night, I didn't cry.  That night, I wrote these words.  And today, I am grateful that these words have new meaning for me.

See, I don't want to just lose weight and get to a healthy BMI.  I want to be FREE!  I want to dance in the fullness of light.  To the symphony of God's love for me.  Quitting isn't an option for me.  And it can't be because I'm afraid of going back to obesity.  "clink"--that's the chain of fear again.  It has to be because the dance is so worth dancing and the light is so worth reaching!

PERSONAL FREEDOM

Julia Gregg

Chapter 1-The Prisoner

Clink. The iron shackle locked tightly around her wrist.  The manacle of Rejection rubbed against her raw and beaten flesh.

Clink.  Another iron cuff encircled her other wrist. Betrayal.

Clink.  Clink.  Around both feet the constraint of Abandonment and Abuse bound her to the cold stone wall.

As if that were not enough to hold her there, the final resounding Clink echoed through the prison.  The chain of Fear gripped so tightly around her neck she could barely breathe.

She lived in those chains so long her recollection of how she got there began to fade.  The only thing that seemed familiar was her small and dingy cell, a tiny window which shone a sliver of light, and those painfully cold metal straps around her broken body.

Chapter 2-The Release

Clink. He has set her free from Rejection.

Clink.  He has set her free from Betrayal.

Clink. Clink.  He has set her free from Abandonment & Abuse.

Clink.  She is finally free to breathe without Fear.

Chapter 3-The Dance

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  She smiles as she twirls and spins to the rhythm of her freedom from the chains.  She dances in the sliver of light within her cell.  Her garment is tattered but her face is aglow.  She had looked at the sliver of light for years wishing she could reach it—bask in it’s warmth, see its reflection on her skin—and now here she was, finally dancing in it.  Her steps were small and sometimes awkward.  It was just a sliver of light, and she didn’t want even one step to be outside its limits.

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  She danced.

Chapter 4-The Encounter

Child, you are free to go. She heard Him speak.

I am delighted that you are free from your chains. I am the one who paid the price for you.

I am pleased that you wish to dance in my light. But, my precious one, there is so much more for you than this.  You are free!  Not just from the shackles, but also from your cell.  The door is open, you are free to go.

She stopped her dance and turned to the door.  It was open.  She had vaguely noticed it before, but her excitement about the light dismissed its importance from her mind. 

She heard Him again.  The door is open, you are free to go.

A lump formed in her throat.  Beyond the door was a black, dark corridor.  She looked up at the source of the sliver of light.  A kaleidoscope of color spread from its beam as she looked at the window through her tear-filled eyes.  How could she leave this place she has called home?  How could she walk away from the light?  How could she leave the open chains that daily reminded her of her freedom?  She walked back to them and placed them around her.  Immediately she began to suffocate with Fear.  She would never leave.  She couldn’t.  It was too dangerous.  Too risky.  Unsafe.  Surely the corridors were filled with the things she feared the most.  Fear strangled her tightly with its hold.

Child, you are free to go. It was Him again.  You are free from your chains and free from your cell.  Now you dance in a sliver of light, but soon you will dance in the fullness of light.  There is life for you outside of this prison!  Come. Walk into the darkness.  I am with you. Do not be anxious.  I am near. Soon you will walk into the brightest and fullest light you’ve ever seen.  YOU ARE FREE!

Chapter 5-The Risk

Silence.  The corridors were silent.  There was nothing to fear.

 

Chapter 6-The Fullness

WHAM!  Rejection beat upon her as the One-She-Loved said, “It was a mistake to love you this way.”

WHAM!  A sudden strike as the One-She-Loved demonstrated Betrayal to her soul.

WHAM! WHAM!  The door of her house slammed as the One-She-Loved left and a sickening blow punched her deeply as the Abandonment and Abuse sat laughing.

WHAM!  She pulled her hands to her throat, sure that the walloping of Fear would take her last breath.

She cried.  She was so sad, so hurt, and so alone. And then, in the midst of her tears, she heard Him.

Soon you will dance in the fullness of light.

She lifted her tear stained checks from the pillow.  She looked at her wrists, she looked at her feet, she touched her neck…she is free, she is healed, she is safe.  She looked at her garment… it was not tattered, it was beautiful and breathtaking.  She threws her head back and laughs,  I’m alive! I’m alive!  I’m alive!

And there it was.  The most beautiful, indescribable light she has ever seen.  It was EVERYWHERE!  She ran to it.

And she danced.  And danced.  And danced. 

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three. 

Chapter 7-The New Dance

She is FREE!

She is ALIVE!

She is LOVED!

And she is still dancing.

A Look Back Part 1

You don't become somebody through work...

Do you have a stressful job?  Maybe it's in the corporate world, or maybe it's in the confines of your own home.  Personally, the most stressful job I've ever had is being a full time mommy--and I thought working for a fast-paced marketing agency was tough.  Yeah right.  Being a Mommy counts as work, you know?  Hard work.  Important work.

I have always been a hard worker.  I had a great example in my father, who showed me that hard work could be enjoyable and who pushed me at a young age to get a job and go "be somebody."  I was never an overachiever in school.  I didn't like the classroom.  Boring.  But when I found WORK--well, I LOVED it!  I could accomplish results and climb a ladder.  I could "become somebody."

I still want to "become somebody."  I'm sharing something today that I wrote 9 years ago.  Long before I reached my heaviest weight.  Only months before I married the love of my life.  A little over a year before welcoming my first child into the world.

When I found this in my journal archives, I realized, I could have written this yesterday.  For all the wonderful changes that have happened in my life, there are still things that need to be changed.  Cleansed.  Sanctified.  If I don't change the habits I've created in my mind, I will surely begin to undo the other good habits I've created in my health.  Being healthy can't just be about my weight.  It has to be about my head, too.

And, you don't "become somebody" through your work.

TALKATIVE, by Julie Garner

Talkative—definitely a word used to describe me.  Yet, somehow when it comes to the matters of the heart, my tongue falls silent and I feel like no one would really want to hear what I have to say anyway.  But my silence can be a dangerous ground.  I tend to stay silent about all of the anxiety I really feel and then, when I reach my breaking point, I fall off the edge leaving everyone around me wondering how that just happened.

So that no one is surprised, here is my cry for help!  I am near the edge, and sense that at any moment I could fall off.

We have been non-stop busy for months at the marketing agency.  I don’t remember a lull since last January.  We went from the crazy schedule planning a huge event, straight through a spring edition of a magazine publication...all while balancing many other projects, right into a busy summer, which has brought us to this extraordinary fall.  

For the most part, I thrive on pressure.  I’ll admit, some stress is healthy, and I really like the adrenaline I get from it.  There’s nothing like making a deadline just under the wire.  But too much stress can be detrimental, and becomes my catalyst for a terrible illness.  ANXIETY and DEPRESSION.

I see the symptoms.  They’re very present.  It’s like a runny nose or a dull headache just before the blow-out cold—muscle tension, inability to concentrate, irritable mood, loss of interest in social activities, inability to sleep, restlessness, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness (saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing)…I’m a walking ad for these mental health issues!

Those closest to me see the symptoms too.  Even when I’m not aware of my own demeanor, I've been marked as irritable or having a bad attitude.  Knowing others see it only makes me feel worse.  I want to be excellent, God-centered, a good worker, a caring person.  I don’t want to be rude, harsh, or uncaring.  

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel for the insanity?  I really am feeling unraveled.  The last thing we all need is for me to end up in the “comatose” state I was in prior to leaving my last job.  I say that with a slight laugh, but right now that “insanity” seems close and pressing in.

I push myself very hard.  I thrive on doing a great job, on being self-managed, and knowing that what I’ve contributed is of value.  There are times when I like when others give me an added push, because it really stretches me.  But lately (over the last several months), I feel pushed extra hard and am feeling pretty overwhelmed.  It’s not necessarily anyone in particular who is doing the pushing, it’s the sheer volume and responsibility of the work.  I am fine with that, as long as I see that there is hope in sight for relief.  So far, I haven’t seen a glimpse of things calming down, but maybe that’s because I’ve been so narrowly focused on the work at hand.  Will there be hope for me to breathe again?  To come to work and enjoy the pace without feeling wiped out by all of it?

The fruit of the spirit.  I think that sums up what I miss the most in my own life when I allow the pressures of my work to push too hard.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control.  Maybe it is only my perspective, but these things seem to be missing in the midst of my hectic schedule.  I’m not personally sensing any of them.  I sure don’t feel like I have them to give, and I don’t feel like I am necessarily receiving them either.  Where are these fruits right now?  None of what we do matters if we can’t demonstrate these things to one another, right?

Thorn Bushes in My Path

I had a wonderful time today with two sisters in Christ!  It was a great time of reflection for me over all that God has done in my life.  While I was talking, I was reminded of these verses from Hosea.

Hosea 2:5B-7
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
6Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
7She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’ 

Hosea 6: 1-3
Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
2After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.
3Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”

Maybe, at first, these don't mean much to you.  But they have meant a lot to me.

It was October 12, 1994.  I sat in a Bible Study with some of the most genuine Christians I had ever met in my life.  And I felt so alone and scared.  I had just left everything that was comfortable in my life to step out in faith and go where God had called me to go.  I was wounded and fragile.  My heart had been ripped out by someone I loved dearly and I had just really started packing on the pounds to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again.

The teaching that evening was from the book of Hosea.  I was at Bible College, but I have to confess--I didn't even know Hosea was a book in the Bible until that night.  The teaching touched something very deep inside of me. It would be 17 years before I would find Take Shape for Life and the true meaning of the words I penned that night...

Vulnerability.  It's a word that makes me tremble with confusion.  The thought of never opening up the depth of my soul seems so comforting on the surface, but it also leaves me sad and alone inside.  I am afraid of condemnation...of weakness.  But if I give others my strength...for, how do you know what strong is if you have never experienced weakness?  And, where does my strength begin?  

Father, I am weak.  I must first begin by unleashing the chains that bind my heart and make myself wholly transparent to you. Fill the cavern inside of me that I have kept sealed off for so long.  I offer you my fears...the rotten remains of past regrets, sorrows, guilts, and even past victories.

I am blocked in on all sides.  I am running madly trying to find you in so many things that aren't YOU. But now, I will sit...exposed.  And I will wait...exposed.  And I will willing return to you...exposed.  And in my uttermost point of vulnerability, I will know that you have promised to take these torn and battered pieces and heal me.  And as I cry in the midst of my nakedness, I know that you are bringing my ugly wounds.  And you WILL restore me.  You WILL revive me.  And I will be able to live in your presence 100%...exposed.  Yes, Lord.  Call me.  I am willing to be vulnerable.

It's not easy to be vulnerable in our weaknesses.  It's not easy to have to be exposed.  But we have a great and precious promise, don't we?  Yes, we may have our path blocked by thorn bushes--but why? Because we are chasing the wrong lovers in our lives.  There is only one lover worth chasing, and he is hemming us in.  This is a GOOD thing.  He is asking us to return to our first love and to give up all the worthless idols in our lives.  Funny that food and drink are mentioned.

God HAS bound my wounds.  He IS healing me.  I want to acknowledge the work that HE has done in my life through TSFL.  Because, right now, I need to press hard into Him.  I need him to rain on me and refresh this dry ground.  Things have gotten stale here again.  I am kind of chasing other lovers again.  Kind of thinking maybe food will satisfy me.  WHY?!  Because I've forgotten how sweet the love of Jesus is!

So, friends...join me in casting all cares on Him.  I'm here with some thorn bushes in my path and I'm saying, "I will sit here and wait for you, Lord.  I will return to you!  And I believe that you will pour out your grace and love on me like spring rain!"

He will.