Moving Ahead

Closure.

We even need closure with our bondage.

I knew three days ago that I need to walk out of my prison cell, away from my chains and out into the dark corridors. I'm not destined for the darkness, I am destined for the LIGHT! I was not created to be a prisoner, I was created to be FREE! But freedom requires trust and faith. It can look scarier than the "comforts" of my chains, but the great shepherd is with me. I need not fear.

For three days, I sat in my cell. I touched every chain one last time, almost as if to say "good-bye." I hugged my knees to my chest and sat in the sliver of light from that window that had previously given me so much hope. I looked at the door, and I begged for the courage to walk through it.

You may think that a prisoner would be so excited to be set free. I visit my dear friend David in the state prison. It's a harrowing experience, even for the visitor. The moment I enter the parking lot, I become "guilty by association." No matter how many times I've gone, my heart still beats out of my chest as I strip off every possible item that may set off a metal detector and scour my hands and arms to make sure there is not a hint of drugs on me for the drug test. Um...I've never used drugs in my life, but traces of drugs can be found on things we handle, like money. So, I am tested and might be accused...denied my "rights" to visit a loved one for something I didn't do. I don't relax for a second until I see David walk through the visit room door. Then, all the world disappears for three or four hours and we can forget for a short time that life will never be "normal" again.

David is serving two life sentences. He will never be free. Ask him what freedom would mean to him and he might not say "going home!" Why? Because he doesn't believe that will ever happen for him. The law prevents it. So, freedom for him means getting to order something he likes from the commissary. Or being able to communicate freely via telephone with friends and family. At any moment, the small freedoms can be stripped away. He can be sent to solitary--a living hell--or put on lockdown for an unknown period of time. David's world has been reduced, but he has had to learn how to function in it and make it his home. He does that with the utmost grace and trust in God. He KNOWS his real freedom is not something that will ever happen externally, but absolutely can (and does) happen internally. David is one of the most FREE people I know! Maybe he understands freedom better than I do.

I've been a prisoner for more than half my life. The law also says I will never be free. BUT, Christ came and took my place--setting me forever free from the law of sin and death. So, unlike my friend, I have the chance to walk out and step into the fullness of light! But I linger here, fixated on this place I've adjusted to and called "home" for so long. Why am I not RUNNING out the door? I think, if someone told David that he'd take his place and serve his two life sentences--David would RUN.

I don't know why I couldn't run out the door. I needed closure.

But today I stepped out. I took the courage and the faith that God gave me as I crouched on the floor and begged. I was able to stand up, with His help. I was able to wipe the tears off my dirty face, as He comforted me. And, today, I was able to walk out of the door and follow His voice.

What if I get scared? I will close my eyes tightly, push my back against the wall, press my hands against my ears and quietly say, "Help me!" And He will.

I will not run back.

I am free! And I am going to DANCE!!!