A Look Back Part 1

You don't become somebody through work...

Do you have a stressful job?  Maybe it's in the corporate world, or maybe it's in the confines of your own home.  Personally, the most stressful job I've ever had is being a full time mommy--and I thought working for a fast-paced marketing agency was tough.  Yeah right.  Being a Mommy counts as work, you know?  Hard work.  Important work.

I have always been a hard worker.  I had a great example in my father, who showed me that hard work could be enjoyable and who pushed me at a young age to get a job and go "be somebody."  I was never an overachiever in school.  I didn't like the classroom.  Boring.  But when I found WORK--well, I LOVED it!  I could accomplish results and climb a ladder.  I could "become somebody."

I still want to "become somebody."  I'm sharing something today that I wrote 9 years ago.  Long before I reached my heaviest weight.  Only months before I married the love of my life.  A little over a year before welcoming my first child into the world.

When I found this in my journal archives, I realized, I could have written this yesterday.  For all the wonderful changes that have happened in my life, there are still things that need to be changed.  Cleansed.  Sanctified.  If I don't change the habits I've created in my mind, I will surely begin to undo the other good habits I've created in my health.  Being healthy can't just be about my weight.  It has to be about my head, too.

And, you don't "become somebody" through your work.

TALKATIVE, by Julie Garner

Talkative—definitely a word used to describe me.  Yet, somehow when it comes to the matters of the heart, my tongue falls silent and I feel like no one would really want to hear what I have to say anyway.  But my silence can be a dangerous ground.  I tend to stay silent about all of the anxiety I really feel and then, when I reach my breaking point, I fall off the edge leaving everyone around me wondering how that just happened.

So that no one is surprised, here is my cry for help!  I am near the edge, and sense that at any moment I could fall off.

We have been non-stop busy for months at the marketing agency.  I don’t remember a lull since last January.  We went from the crazy schedule planning a huge event, straight through a spring edition of a magazine publication...all while balancing many other projects, right into a busy summer, which has brought us to this extraordinary fall.  

For the most part, I thrive on pressure.  I’ll admit, some stress is healthy, and I really like the adrenaline I get from it.  There’s nothing like making a deadline just under the wire.  But too much stress can be detrimental, and becomes my catalyst for a terrible illness.  ANXIETY and DEPRESSION.

I see the symptoms.  They’re very present.  It’s like a runny nose or a dull headache just before the blow-out cold—muscle tension, inability to concentrate, irritable mood, loss of interest in social activities, inability to sleep, restlessness, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness (saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing)…I’m a walking ad for these mental health issues!

Those closest to me see the symptoms too.  Even when I’m not aware of my own demeanor, I've been marked as irritable or having a bad attitude.  Knowing others see it only makes me feel worse.  I want to be excellent, God-centered, a good worker, a caring person.  I don’t want to be rude, harsh, or uncaring.  

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel for the insanity?  I really am feeling unraveled.  The last thing we all need is for me to end up in the “comatose” state I was in prior to leaving my last job.  I say that with a slight laugh, but right now that “insanity” seems close and pressing in.

I push myself very hard.  I thrive on doing a great job, on being self-managed, and knowing that what I’ve contributed is of value.  There are times when I like when others give me an added push, because it really stretches me.  But lately (over the last several months), I feel pushed extra hard and am feeling pretty overwhelmed.  It’s not necessarily anyone in particular who is doing the pushing, it’s the sheer volume and responsibility of the work.  I am fine with that, as long as I see that there is hope in sight for relief.  So far, I haven’t seen a glimpse of things calming down, but maybe that’s because I’ve been so narrowly focused on the work at hand.  Will there be hope for me to breathe again?  To come to work and enjoy the pace without feeling wiped out by all of it?

The fruit of the spirit.  I think that sums up what I miss the most in my own life when I allow the pressures of my work to push too hard.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control.  Maybe it is only my perspective, but these things seem to be missing in the midst of my hectic schedule.  I’m not personally sensing any of them.  I sure don’t feel like I have them to give, and I don’t feel like I am necessarily receiving them either.  Where are these fruits right now?  None of what we do matters if we can’t demonstrate these things to one another, right?