How The Butterfly Got Her Wings

How The Butterfly Got Her Wings 

By Julie Garner

I used to think that flying meant soaring high; but now I know, sometimes flying means only soaring two feet above the ground, just high enough to keep me from getting entangled in thorn bushes or from crashing against the rocks.

Lessons from Our Butterfly

In September 2010, my children and I watched a caterpillar transform into a butterfly.

We were fascinated by every move of our beautiful yellowish-green, white and black striped caterpillar.  We even gave her a name—Juanita.  Juanita’s life was not especially exciting.  Usually, she was crawling around on her milkweed leaf, nibbling away at the very foundation that supported her many tiny, little legs; or, sometimes she was doing absolutely nothing at all. She more than doubled in size in just a few short days.  We thought she was amazing.  And she was.

It was a Tuesday morning when we came downstairs to a miracle of God occurring right before our eyes. Our caterpillar was turning into her cocoon. We knew the time was approaching, because the night before she had gone to the top of her jar and hung upside down in a J-formation. Her body dangled downward, while her face pointed upward.

As she went into her cocoon, she shook and shed her skin. Juanita’s skin moved in an upward position and transformed itself into the chrysalis. When her skin reached the top, Juanita thrashed her body--now completely enveloped in the cocoon--back and forth, circling around so that her skin would become the very thing that created an anchor for her to hold securely to the top of the jar. Then, everything went calm. No more movement. And, at that moment, I knew that Juanita was gone.

Do you know a caterpillar dies?  It’s true, Juanita actually died in that moment. Only her cells lived to create that pretty butterfly. We would never see the former Juanita again.

I found the whole experience to be both amazing and disturbing. I watched this creature willingly pass from life to death before my eyes. She worked hard for her death and approached it with eagerness. She knew better things were ahead of her, and she would soon reach her fullest (her best) potential. And to think...the process of her death started in the shape of a J.  Maybe for Jesus?   Her transformation from the old to the new began with her posture hanging low, while her face pointed upward toward the Heavens, as if in an act of praise.

The morning came when we were greeted by a beautiful monarch butterfly, opening and closing her intricate wings. She was BEAUTIFUL! I got tears in my eyes when I saw her, and then I had to explain to a four-year-old little boy that we couldn’t keep her or she would die. Juanita had to be set free. God had a plan for her, and it didn't include living in the comforts of our home. She couldn't. God created Juanita for a  purpose. She needed to be free.

With the sun shining and the cool crisp fall air all around us, the four Garners walked proudly to our crepe myrtle bush and released our butterfly. I can't say she departed willingly. When she finally settled on a leaf, she clung to it--slowly opening and closing her gorgeous orange and black wings. She stayed on the leaf for hours. And then, suddenly, she was gone.

I am like the butterfly.

If You Ask Me, I Will Carry You

As a morbidly obese woman, life consisted of sitting, eating, sleeping, and often doing nothing.  Like Juanita, I was eating away my very foundation. My emotional overeating was destroying everything that held value in my life; yet, I felt powerless to escape it.  For me, life had somehow been boiled down to food. What would I eat next? When could I eat it? Could someone just put me on a pile of food, and leave me alone with it? Like our caterpillar, I had doubled in size in a short amount of time.

And I just kept eating.

Many times I went to God and asked Him to help me stop.  I confessed my struggles to others, I tried repenting, I sought hard after God; but, in the end, I still felt like a slave to hot fudge sundaes and chocolate chip cookies.  Didn’t God care about me?  Was this the way I was going to live the rest of my life?  Why wasn’t He rescuing me?

Time passed, and for every attempt I made to lose weight and take control of my eating, I only seemed to gain more.  I distinctly remember one beautiful, sunny afternoon in the spring of 2011.  I was sitting with a friend on my front porch, tears streaming down my face.  I felt so alone in my struggle.  I was yelling, I was cursing, and I was angry.  I was mad at the church, I was mad at my friends, I was mad at myself, and I was mad (REALLY MAD) at God.  I sank into a dark place.  If this was all the better my life was going to get, then I thought my family would be better off without me. 

My friend attempted to gently encourage me, saying, “Julie, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal body by that same Spirit living in you.” (Romans 8:11)  I found no comfort in her words that day. I only grew madder.  My irritation didn’t discourage her.  She continued, “if God wanted to, He could melt the weight off you; but, I think He has bigger plans for your life than just weight loss.  Trust Him.” 

I didn’t.

A few months passed and I had hit an all-time high on the scale and an all-time low spiritually and emotionally.  “Where are you, God?!” I screamed. 

This time He answered me.

His answer came in the form of a vision.  I saw a blind girl, wandering through the woods.  She was tripping over roots, stumbling on rocks, and entangled in vines and ensnared in thorns.  Scared and tired, she was desperate to escape those dark, scary woods.  Her face was bloody, and her hands and knees were bruised and wounded. 

As the vision changed to an aerial view, I could see that the girl had been walking in circles.  Her blindness kept her from knowing that every path in the forest led back to the exact same location.  She finally fell down on the ground and wept painfully.  Her tired body could not take one more step.  Would she just die here?

Then, a still small voice spoke softly to her.

"If you ask me, I will carry you."

I was the blind girl.  I had been wandering in circles, striving for my own freedom, and getting absolutely nowhere.  No matter how alone I felt, God had never taken His eye off me.  He was simply waiting for me to be still. 

“If you ask me, I will carry you, Julie,” He whispered.

Like our caterpillar, if I wanted to change my destiny, I had to change my posture.  I had to hang low with my face pointed upward in a J position, as if to say, "JESUS! Everything about my change starts and ends with you!"

I can't imagine it's easy for a caterpillar to hang in the J position for 24 hours. In caterpillar-years, that's about an eighth of life spent hanging that way. It’s humbling, and takes far longer than we would like. But it is critical to remain low, while facing upward. It’s where transformation begins.

I still had two more months of anger ahead of me.  Two more months of sitting in the middle of that forest crying in surrender.  And then, on the day before Thanksgiving 2011, I took a huge step forward.  I called a stranger named Shirley.

I Chose Faith

“I’m afraid of failing one more time,” I told her.

“The only way to fail is to quit,” she replied.  I had never thought of it that way. 

Shirley is a health coach with an optimal health program called Take Shape for Life.  After talking to her that night on the phone I felt like I could breathe again.  She could relate to my struggles as an obese woman, my addictive behavior with food and my desperate longing to escape.  She held out hope to me, and I dared to reach out and take her hand.  Despite the approaching holidays, I decided to start my journey toward optimal health on December 5, 2011.  It wasn’t going to be easy to move forward, especially during a season of feasts and celebrations, but I had only two choices: faith or fear.

That was the day I got up off the ground and crawled into the arms of Jesus.  On that day, I chose FAITH!

Away with the Old

Remember the caterpillar and what came next?

Next came the wretched process of shedding the skin, and the putting off of the old self. The wiggling and writhing and contorting occurred. It looked painful, but I now know it was actually a miracle and nothing less.   Then, the swirling and whirling that must occur in order to secure herself to the only "hook" (or anchor) that can hold her where she needed to be. Do you know how small that caterpillar hook is? It is like a thin thread. But it is STRONG. It supports the weight of the entire process of metamorphosis that occurs. It withstands wind gusts and weather changes. It is small, but mighty. And it is critical. Without that hook, the entire process would end. If the cocoon isn't hanging, the butterfly will never hatch. The process is lost.

My hook is Christ. The God who knit me and formed me, stripped me down to nothing and then holds me securely.  One thing was certain, I couldn’t do this apart from the Lord.  I had to die to my desires and all the things that charmed me most, and for the first time, I was.

The road to freedom starts with self-denial.  Moving from the “I want” to the “God wants” mentality.  This isn’t easy, but it also isn’t hard.

I started by reflecting on the things God had already done for me in my life.  The list was long.

Then, I made a list of what it was that I really wanted.  What would freedom from food look like for me?  What would it mean to me if I could move and have energy again?  What would it look like if I could sleep at night and be more productive during the day?  What kinds of things could I do that I couldn't do if I stayed where I was?

Finally, I began writing and reflecting on what God’s word said about faith and perseverance.   Those things became like little prizes.  I set my feet on what would be a scary path and I kept my eyes on the prizes.  The journey was breath-taking, actually.

Since that first step of faith I have lost well over 100 pounds.  I have been a student of healthy habits and have learned that trusting God looks like eating healthy, moving my body in lifestyle activity, setting my mind on what is true, getting adequate sleep and building healthy relationships with the people around me.  I’ve realized I’m not chasing a destination, and we don’t just “arrive” at freedom (well, except maybe when we get to Heaven).  Freedom on earth is all about the journey.

People often ask me how I was able to get to where I am now.  "How did you lose so much weight?"  And they don't mean, "What program did you use?" when they are asking it with this tone.  They mean, "How did you find the self-control and will- power to do such a thing?!"

I didn't find it.  It was provided for me. 

We Fail Forward

I had learned about trusting God while I hung low with my face pointed upward.  It made the painful process of dying less frightening.  I embraced the path of denial and knew that faith looked like eating healthy and changing the way I had been living.  I was thankful for the support of my health coach and a whole network of men and women who had been on the journey ahead of me and were cheering for my success. 

Next, I began to sense the silence, the urgent need to hide away for a time, enveloped in the protection that only God could create for me. I sensed how still I would need to be for this change to occur.  It was a peaceful time.

I waited for my change to come.  In the stillness and quietness, I waited.

It took 10 days for Juanita to transform into a butterfly once she was tucked inside her cocoon. That sounds short, but actually, that’s longer than she lived as a caterpillar. Like the caterpillar, I knew my new self would look nothing like the old.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 3:13-14

After so many failed attempts in the past, I was definitely afraid of failing again.  But what is failing, really?  I’ve learned that the only way to fail is to quit.  Instead of quitting, God tells me to keep straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize.

Several years ago, during the Winter Olympics, figure skater after figure skater fell during his or her routine.  These were the BEST skaters in the WORLD and every single skater fell--some three times or more.  But every single one of them got up and continued their routine to the end.  They didn't stay down.  They were there to perform and to finish their routine--a routine they had spent years training to skate.  That year, EVERY skater that was awarded a medal had fallen.  But they were standing on an Olympic platform with a medal around their neck.  Why did they get such an honor?  Because they got back up and finished their routine.

I can't win a medal if I fall and stay down. I can't cross the finish line and reach my goal if I quit.

Will I fall and stumble at times?  Oh yes.  But as the chief research scientist for General Motors said, "The enthusiast fails forward."

I’m Going to Fly

Pioneer missionary, Amy Carmichael, wrote in her journal: “Father, I’m not soaring today.  Help me.” And then she penned God’s response: “Daughter, soaring is not always high above the world.  Sometimes one is soaring only two feet above the ground, just enough to keep you from getting tangled in the thorns and crashing against the rocks.”

Can you relate?  I can. Some days, I feel like I am only soaring above the rocks, dangerously close to crashing.  I feel tired, I don’t want to run, I want comfort more than obedience, or I’m emotionally and mentally worn down.  Yet, on such days, I need to keep facing forward.

My elderly friend Jean has deeply impacted my life. She has been a follower of Jesus for 60 years!  I asked her when she was most desperate for God in her life.  Her reply was quick.  “It was in the moment of my salvation.”  She paused, took my hand and looked into my eyes for a few moments before she continued.  She saw my hurts and knew my struggles. Finally, she spoke again in her frail, elderly voice. “Know God, Julie.  Because He is the same God today as He was when He reached down and saved us. And, Honey,” she continued, “He didn't save us for this world, He saved us for the next!"

I am becoming a butterfly. 

The butterfly must be set free. The plans for her were already determined long before creation. She MUST fly. And only God knows how. And only God knows why. And only God could have done something so amazing and special.

It isn't easy to become a butterfly. But it also isn't hard. It means dying...then resting...and ultimately trusting. Trusting Christ for the final change to come.

And my final change is coming.

I'M GOING TO FLY!

Julie Garner is a certified health coach through Villanova University's Center for Obesity Prevention and Education. She shares candidly about life as an obese woman and the freedom of transformation, as well as supports others as they step toward health and change in their own lives. She is also a public speaker, blogger and writer. She enjoys her life in Lancaster, PA, with her best friend and husband, Dan, as well as their two beautiful children, a dog and two cats. To contact Julie as a health coach or for speaking and writing opportunities email her at jgarnerhealthcoach@gmail.com