The Feelings Fluctuate Always...ALWAYS.

Last year, I had the honor of walking alongside a college student as she battled for self control in her eating. I know she was often discouraged by our conversation, because she just desperately wanted to shake a magic wand and be done with entrapment to food and to lose weight--of which she did not have a huge amount to lose.  I had the greatest respect for this young lady.  First, she wanted to do something about her health BEFORE it became a really big issue in her life.  Secondly, she wanted to change and she knew that somehow that change had to happen INSIDE her.

She would often get frustrated with our conversations, because I was committed to her heart changing, not just to her body.  

Yesterday, she sent me the best email from Spain, where she is working for the year.  It is clear she has done a lot of soul searching there.  Her words to me where incredibly inspiring to me and I am sure they will be to anyone who is reading this.

With her permission, I am sharing parts of her letter here...

I thought a lot this summer and while I am here in Spain about what you always told me about losing weight being about the heart and mind change rather than the physical. I remember that concept always frustrated me because I wanted..and want...to lose weight. It was, and is, sometimes so hard to think that losing weight can NOT be my focus. 

This summer and this fall I am beginning to understand better what you have been trying to tell me. I don't know how to say it except that I see a little bit better that as I forget about the weight and focus on the change of eating with self control...that's when superficial things begin to change. But the lasting change begins in the heart, not with the pounds. Anyways, I am still learning that and need to be reminded of that but I wanted to thank you for always pointing me to that when I wanted to focus more on the weight loss than the journey and the heart and mind change. When I believe rightly about God and desire rightly His ways, my life will change for the better in every way.

Secondly, I wanted to encourage you on your journey to health. I know right now is so many ways it can feel hard to get up and start again, right? Maybe you feel like you have been at the beginning before and now you are there again and old fears are there and past failures seem so big. But I hope you know that your journey is not starting over but continuing. You know, I have been at taht "beginning" feeling so many times. And every time I am so sad to think that I failed and I am back to square one again. But one day it dawned on me that I was not back to square one at all. 

Let me tell you a quick story:

I relate everything in life to running. I feel like so much of what I learn, I can understand better when I put in into running terms. So one day I was thinking over my running career and relating it to my eating struggles. 

When I started running I was fearless. There was a naive sense of enjoyment I found in running. Workouts didn't scare me, races were fun, etc. But I remember the older and faster I got, the harder it became. I began to lose that sense of fearlessness in running. Workouts began to scare me and races...well they freaked me out. 

I remember I hit my wall my junior year. I was running at an invitational and I was neck-and-neck with the first place runner as we passed the half way point to the mile. 

Leading up to that point I was telling myself I was too tired and this was too hard. Suddenly, after we passed the half way point, I just walked off the track. I had let my mind get the better of me and I had literally stopped believing I could run the race. I just ran to my parents and cried. My coach had no idea what was wrong either. 

That Monday my coach simply said to me, "I have no idea what happened on Saturday but you can never do that again or I cannot let you run the mile anymore." My heart sank. It was a gracious response, but I was struggling so much. 

I remember the weeks and months that followed. It seemed that my running career went backwards. Every workout and race was terribly hard. Over the summer I would stop in the middle of a run crying. Or just jog so slowly so that I could just finish the run. I thought I would never run again. I could not get the fear out of my mind. 

Over the weeks and months, God also worked in my heart. I began to draw closer to Him and desperately cling to Him in my weakness. And slowly the victory began to be outward as well. My senior year, a friend of mine from another school said to me, "You have gotten so FAST this year!" 

I knew it was that I had begun to find my trust and peace in God, and that gave me power to literally run the race.

This fall marked 10 years since I started Cross Country in school. As I reflected on that I realized that even after 10 years there are days when running is HARD. There are days when I cry or when I just need to jog to finish a run. Then there are days when I feel amazing and want to run forever. 

The feeling fluctuate always...ALWAYS. 

But what I have been learning in running is that I need to run regardless of how I feel. I must workout even when I feel scared or tired or lonely. And its not about the times I run...its about the heart. Its that I get out there each day and run with heart. Finishing is the most important thing. The times and the confidence will come...maybe in fluctuations..but they will come. Its perseverance that is key.

And as I thought about that with running I realized it is the same with eating. 

When we have moments of failure they don't have to remain that way. My horrible race, and consequent races and workouts, have all been part of what taught (and still teach) me things in running. 

In the same way, our bad days eating...

If we do cave and give in we can repent, learn from that mistake, and keep going. Its all a learning process getting us to learn more deeply the heart issues. And our feelings will always fluctuate. Some days we will want to eat healthfully and other days we'll want to eat a whole cake. But in the end its not about how we feel, its simply about what we choose to do. 

Of course, I am still struggling with this. My time here in Spain has been a real battle. But I am beginning to believe this with all my heart. Jesus made us free, Jesus wants us free, Jesus helps us to be free, but we must choose it..and not all at once...one choice..one moment at a time. The feels and desires to overeat may never completely go away in this life, but the choice to say no can always be ours. Just like I may always struggle with wanting to go for a run, but I can always choose to do it. Some days it will be easy and other days I will cry every step I take..but we must persevere. We CAN persevere.

Anyhoo, I am writing to you as one who is struggling and has often been discouraged, but also one who is with you on this journey to find freedom and health! 

Reminds me of this song from 10th Avenue North, "The Struggle"

There's a wreckage, there's a fire
There's a weakness in my love
There's a hunger I can't control
Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

So I look, do I still fail
Do I withhold, do I still give into temptation
On my own I am bankrupt
I will trust You, I'll take you at your word
You promise

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

Hallelujah, death is overcome
and we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
a flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
and we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
can you feel it?

Hallelujah, death is overcome
and we are breathing
Hallelujah our stone hearts become flesh
a flesh that's beating
Hallelujah chains have been undone
and we are singing
Hallelujah the fire has begun
can you feel it?

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing