It's freezing here this morning. The kind of freezing that makes you jump back in your bed, pull up the covers and never come out. The kind of freezing where, if you were dragged out from under the covers, you certainly take the covers with you, so as not to accumulating frost on anything other than your nose!
There are seasons in our life that are like this morning. Cold. Frigid. Get-back-under-the-blanket kind of seasons.
I know, because I've just had one.
We don't plant gardens in the cold, do we? We plant in the pleasant months, so the roots will take hold and be able to withstand the fierce cold winter--and then regrowth happens again in the spring and summer months.
I had good seeds planted in my life over the last two years. I've learned what healthy eating looks like and how to think differently about my choices. I've grown more confident, more compassionate, more capable. But even in our most thriving seasons, harsh winters can be right around the corner.
I find it very common, particularly for women who have a lot of weight to lose, that something happens in their head when they cross out of the 200's and into the 1's. I see it nearly 100% of the time. Some kind of fear happens. Fear...and also contentment.
For most women, they didn't think that day would ever happen. And then it does. And it's amazing! And terrifying.
It was for me.
I lost almost 120 pounds and then realized two things:
1) I didn't know who I was as an adult at any weight less than that. Rediscovering myself was terrifying.
2) The girl I was that weighed less than that was not the woman I ever wanted to be again. But she's all I knew.
I decided, somewhat indecisively, that I would take a break from weight loss. I was okay with that. No one can argue that losing 120 pounds is a significant change for the body and for the mind. So, around Christmas of 2012, I set out to just maintain my weight loss for a time. Again, I'm not sure I was clear in my mind that this was what I wanted or needed to do, but I was stuck and there was some "force field" that seemed to be standing between me and my goals. I'm not a quitter though. Force fields can't keep me from getting what I want. They only force me to re-strategize!
July 2012
From December to September I did great. Sure, I'd go up a few pounds, but then I'd go down a few pounds. I was faithful to my health goals and to applying all that I had learned. I stayed in contact with my health coach--closely. I noticed that though my weight was holding steady, my body continued to shrink and change.
It's amazing I held my weight in April when Dan came home and said he was laid off from his job. Finances stress me out. But, we saw God's provision for us and we both dove into getting other people healthy together. Money was tight, but we were full of faith!
My shoulder blades started aching in April. I wrote it off at first. The pain would come and go. It was annoying for sure, and sometimes hurt so badly that I would be in bed for a day or two...but I was positive that it was nothing major.
Summer came and my pain continued. It would be here for a week or two and then it would be gone, only to return a few weeks later. It was starting to wear on me. But, still, I kept holding steady and practicing the habits of health. Then, Dan's unemployment was challenged--thousands of dollars withheld from us, appeal processes which were approved, thousands of dollars released to us only to be revoked again with court appearances to ensure Dan would still get paid and we would not have to return the money they had given us. It was S-T-R-E-S-S. Still, I kept eating well and kept my body moving. Until Labor Day weekend 2013....
I landed in the hospital. WHAT?! The pain in my back had gotten the best of me and I was scared it might be something more than just some "pain"--I was scared of things like bone cancer, even heart disease (as the pain was on my left side and had started to radiate down the arm and across the chest). Tests showed fluid on my lungs and heart. This seemed serious. And I was caught off guard by all that came next. Words like "heart disease"; "autoimmune disorder"; "lupus"; and "all forms of cancer" were thrown out and into the air like they were pretty bubbles being blown by children on a warm sunny day. They floated effortlessly out of the mouths of doctors and popped in my face and in my heart.
I remember the night. I had just been admitted to the hospital, it was late at night, Dan had left, the doctor who saw me was brutal and I hadn't eaten anything since 3:30 that afternoon. To help wipe away my tears, the nurse brought me a dinner box at 11pm. It had a sandwich in it, with graham crackers and some other carbohydrate. She dimmed the lights and let me alone with my food box. And I ate it.
I hadn't eaten anything resembling that box of food in a very, very long time. Sure, I had introduced some carbs into my daily intake, but it was always just simple things like sushi or a whole grain wrap. Nothing like I ate that night. And, I determined after eating it that I would stay close to my healthy eating while I was there. And I did.
But the uncertainties of my health, the compounding financial stress that now shifted from unemployment disputes to medical/insurance disputes...it all got the best of me. I was heading down a very unhealthy mental path. And the mind was about to drag the rest of me with it. Powerful, powerful leader--that mind!
From September to November, the frigid winter hit me. I wanted to run back under the covers and never come out. My physical pain continued, the diagnosis's trails were leading nowhere...it was cold, frost-filled, and bitter.
And I began to eat.
I was still talking to my health coach, never quitting, always trying to figure out how I could get out of this pit I'd fallen into. But it has been humbling to gain weight---all while helping others lose theirs! It has been humbling to not fit into any clothing in my closet because I preach the message to "get rid of it so you can never go back to it." It has been humbling to realize that for all the good work I have done in my life, I can go back to my old habits like the turn of a key.
And then last Tuesday I had a meltdown. Julie & the Whale happened. And it was glorious, my friends. Horribly glorious. It was a year's worth of searching for answers that all came spewing out in one day. Sorry for this graphic analogy, but it's like having a really upset stomach, finally throwing up, and now feeling better. I purged something essential on Tuesday.
It took a few days to process. But this morning I woke up and felt like spring is coming again. Ironic, since, in the real world, it's the coldest day we've had this year and my hands are freezing as I type this.
Reality check. I have 85 pounds now that I now still need to lose. 85 pounds!
It's time.
And although I am writing about now, I know that I must begin this final leg of my journey in quietness. Just like I began the first part of the journey. I must walk in a quiet grace. I must be gentle with myself...and quiet. I must be honest. And this time will need to be about ME again--not about everyone else.
Am I nervous? Scared? Heck yeah!
But I know that God makes all things new and beautiful in His time. And I have the mercy of knowing what is possible...because I've already done it!
Dear reader, thank you for cheering for me and for always loving ME. Thank you for praying for me--that is my greatest need right now.
Here's to the final 85. Let's do this thing...
Bring on the springtime!
ReplyDeleteYou've been doing some really GOOD work this year. Can't wait to see what the coming year holds for you as you press onward. I'm here for ya!