What's Eating Me?!

My "hotsy totsy" picture from our birthday tea party at my sister's house last weekend.  I'm wearing a headband she brought back from New Orleans and the Mardi Gras/Sinful Celebrations. 

Many years ago there was a movie called "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" (which starred a very young Leonardo DeCapro back when I still had girly crushes on movie stars! ha ha!). It just so happens that the movie was about a severely obese mother.  But that's not actually why I'm mentioning it.  And actually, I really don't remember much else about the movie, so if you decide to watch it based on this post and it's terrible...well, don't blame me!

BUT...my point is this:

The past several days could be entitled "What's Eating Julie Garner?" 

I have been an angry, angry woman.  I think I realized, only after I threw something at my sweet husband in frustration with him, that I am mad that I can no longer just eat my problems away. 

I've had a lot of anxiety lately.  It's been a long time...YEARS!...since I've experienced heart palpitations like I've had over the last four or five days.  I realized yesterday that the anxiety isn't foreign.  I've removed the food, and now I have to experience it instead of going numb to it.  I have to actually deal with the issues that are causing the anxiety.

It's no secret that I can't say "no."  I am suddenly finding myself steeped in things I've agreed to do or people who are calling for me to do even more.  I have many regrets.  There are two reasons I struggle with saying "no", however.

1) There are a lot of things I really enjoy doing.  Writing, directing, creating, talking, coffee, friendship, laughing, brainstorming (ideas that I would love doing--that one is trouble!), encouraging... It's hard to say no when any of these opportunities, in particular, present themselves.

2) There are a lot of people I really love being with.  I am a lover of people.  It's true.  Anyone who knows me would probably agree with that.  People fill me up.  People are part of the reason we exist here.  I love people.  And with that, I hate to disappoint people. 

Looking at these two points, I think--yeah, these are true.  And it doesn't immediately seem like there is anything wrong with them.  EXCEPT, I can't say "no."  So, those two points mixed together are a deadly combination.

Also, I am super upset about our finances.  (This is why I threw something at Dan last night! *No Dan was harmed in this incident.)  We had two vacations planned for this year.  We had already determined that we couldn't afford to go on our beach vacation this year.  That was a month or so ago.  I believe I cried.  I love the beach.  And there is still a chance I will get to go down when my sister is there, but it doesn't look like my family will be going.  But...that was okay, because we also had a vacation planned for the spring that was going to be very inexpensive.  Well, last night Dan decided we can't go.  We just can't afford it.  I am still so angry about this.  And this incident just brought up a whole lot of other things that I've been angry about for a long time and haven't talked about.  It was not a pretty night in the Garner house. 

Do you know how easy it would be to just eat this away?  Only, it doesn't really go away then...does it?  I really loathe these moments, I'll be honest.  I don't want to work through all this garbage.  I just want to go on vacation.  Right?   I feel like my circumstances are eating me right now.

In these moments, I so easily forget God's faithfulness.  I neglect my quiet times, my worship and my prayer life.  God is so much bigger than these circumstances.  He can help me to discern what to do and how to say "no."  He is the provider for my family and I need not fret over finances.  If he feeds the birds, won't he also feed me?

I love Take Shape for Life because it is so crystal clear about boundaries.  And, for someone who struggles with boundaries, I need that.  This plan has really allowed me to face things in my life that I would otherwise turn to food to "change."  These are painful moments.  But they are so good!  Pray for my family during this time.  It can't be easy to live with me right now.  But they are so patient with me.

"I'm Melting! Meeeeelting!"

Ha ha!  Remember the lines by the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz when they threw water on her?  I can honestly say the same thing.  "I'm melting!  Meeeeelting!"

Today I put on a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear in years.  Not even two weeks ago.  (Which, is pretty awesome since I've been having a mental fight with myself over the fact that the scale won't seem to budge!  The scale is only one way to measure success!)

So, I decided to post my 12 week photos here with me in those jeans.  Guys, LOOK at the difference in me!  It is CRAZY to look at these photos.  I can't believe I look like that.  I still feel like the "before" photo girl.  I'm so glad I'm doing a photo journal of my progress or I just don't think I would believe it.

Today I realized that I can cross my feet and close my thighs.  CRAZY!  I don't know when the last time was that I could do that.  My stomach was no longer interfering and my thighs weren't so large that they couldn't even touch each other.

I am moving faster.  I do feel lighter.  My sister-in-law reminded me that I've lost almost 50 pounds of butter.  Whoa!  Good perspective.

I climbed in the backseat of a vehicle this afternoon with two other women and had a brief moment of "Gulp!  Am I going to fit back here with them?"  Oh...no problem!  I didn't even feel like I was hogging up all the room.

I needed these pictures as encouragement today.  I needed to put those jeans on this morning.  I needed people to stop me today and say, "You are melting away, girl!"  Because this has been a terrible week.  I have been an emotional wreck.  I've been busy and tired and overwhelmed.  And the scale hasn't moved and there's nothing I can do about it--but yesterday I was ready to just quit.  I mean, mentally, I knew that I couldn't and wouldn't do it.  But I was so anxious in the morning that I almost just poured myself a bowl of cereal and said, "This just isn't worth it to me!"

WHAT?!  It just shows how a moment of weakness can creep up on me so quickly and unexpectedly.

But it also shows how kind God is to remind me that it IS worth it.  And not for vanity.  (Though, it is pretty cool to look better!)  It is worth it because it is what HE wants from me.  And glorifying Him with my body is a wonderful thing.

WOO HOO!!!!  I just want to run down the street and cheer.

Be Free & Fit

I turned 40 in August.  In that moment I realized I had struggled with my weight for half my life.  Literally.

It only occurred to me this week the significance of the number 40.  It rained for 40 days and 40 nights when the Lord flooded the earth--and then he rebuilt it.  For 40 years the Israelites wandered in the wilderness--and then they received the promise land.  I'm sure there are other mentions of the number 40 in God's word, but these immediately jump to my mind.

I'm tired today.  Not just physically, but mentally drained.  Even emotionally drained.  It's been very busy.  I haven't forgotten the Lord, but it has been difficult to hear him clearly in the midst of the chaos.  But He did give me these verses (below) this week.  I will write more about them as I have more clarity for myself...but, this was a moment when I realized that I am not unique in my long-suffering. Not even in my current, light and temporary suffering. God ALWAYS rescues his people, even when they have wandered and suffered for a very long time.  You need only look at the Israelites to realize...He never forgot them.  He always fed them.  He always clothed them.  He always protected them. 

He does the same for me.

Why?

As John Piper says, "God's work to save and sanctify you is not so that you can enjoy yourself more. It's so that you might be free and fit to enjoy Christ forever."

I don't know about you, but I want to be free and fit!  And I want to make sure I'm doing it for the BEST reason.  The same reason God had in mind.  So that I can enjoy Christ.  Now AND forever.

I love when scripture reads like a story.  Here's a story.  It sounds an awful lot like my own story:

And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.  And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.  Deuteronomy 8:2-3

Week 11 Reflections: Wherever God Leads Me

Okay, this is exactly why I shouldn't weigh myself more than once a week.  ALL week I've been showing a gain.  Well--since the weekend.  And not a little gain.  FIVE pounds.  Now, there's all kinds of womanly things going on and I know my own body to know what happens during that time.  But, I was still wrestling with, "Oh man!  I don't want to show a gain this week, even if it is a false gain.  And especially not five pounds!!!"

But then look what happened.  I was down a pound this morning.  Which actually looked like down six pounds to me, since I was fretting all the way through yesterday about my potential gain this week.  'sigh'

Why do I worry so much?  It is such lost energy.  And I need all the energy I can get.

God's word is clear.  "Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

God always takes care of me, even if it isn't in the way I want or expect.  To be honest, I did utter a little prayer this morning before I stepped on the scale.  I said, "Lord, please let this be down!"  But even before stepping on I thought, "It has to be okay if it isn't.  The Lord has something for me in each circumstance. I need to learn to be humble and to accept whatever he sees as best for my life."

This lesson was all over Week #11.  "Julie, do you trust me?"

A few weeks ago I quit my copywriting job that I've done from home ever since my son was born.  Dan and I agreed that the Lord was not going to open new doors for me until we closed this one.  The thought of this seemed ridiculous, since we do rely on my earnings to fill in some of the gaps in our budget.  And, not only that, we hope to send our children back to private school next year--and there is NO money in the budget for that.  Still, we couldn't help but feel like this was the right thing to do.  Was there fear?  You bet!

Before I resigned, I wrote down a few things that I wanted to hold out as an offering to God.  "I want these things, God, but only if you want them for me."

• To write for pleasure again and eventually start working on a novel that has been rolling around in my head.  To get published as a writer.
• To become a health coach for Take Shape for Life--eventually.
• To get back into the performing arts again.  Specifically, to direct.

The day after I sent my official resignation, I got a message from the school where we desire to send our children.  "Would you help to direct our elementary school musical?"

A few days later I got a call from someone saying, "Would you help me write my book?"

A week later I was receiving emails from friends saying, "When you're ready to coach, I'm ready to sign up!  Let's do this!!!"

It's about two weeks since I sent that letter.  And check out what has happened.

So, this blog post isn't so much about food or health or the circumstances in my life this week that revolved around getting to my goal of ultimate health for the glory of God.  Or...is it?

Faith is a huge part of the journey.  Tuning my ear Godward is so important for ultimate health.  Being willing to step out in faith is a big part of what I have had to do--when starting TSFL, when making choices each day, when quitting my job, when signing up earlier than I thought to coach others, when agreeing to direct little kids in the arts, when putting my pen to the paper to write...it all requires faith.  And God's leading.

And, despite fears or brief hesitations at time, I am ready to go wherever God leads me!

Helping Others

Do you ever feel like this?

"For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." 2 Cor. 1:5
 
I have always known that my journey would include helping others.

I have always shared so openly about my sufferings.  My inability to lose weight despite my hardest, most earnest efforts.  My struggle to have victory over my eating addiction.  My pain in falling, fumbling, striving, wanting, working, pushing...even praying.  "How long, Oh Lord?  How long must I wait and suffer?!"

So, now it is only right that I will also share in the comforts of Christ.  Friends, in whatever struggle and suffering you face--even when you think He has forgotten you--He is there!  And He is providing a way out.  It might not be the way you thought or look the way you want or happening in the timing you wish...but He is FOR YOU!

Now, to answer your big question...

WHY DID I GO PRIVATE WITH THIS BLOG?

I'm glad you asked.

Yesterday I began a new adventure as I boldly (okay, fearfully, actually!) walked into the role as an independent health coach for Take Shape for Life.  I am overwhelmed with joy!  Now I get to help others in the way that my awesome coach has helped me.  I get to cheer on others!  It is like a dream come true.

I knew from the moment I started Take Shape for Life...if this thing works, I want to be a coach some day.  I never had any idea that day would be 11 weeks after starting the program, because I never dreamed that I would have such tremendous success.  I never dreamed that I would learn so much in such a short amount of time.  I never dreamed that anyone would want to have me--broken, struggling ME--as a coach.  But I have friends who are saying, "I want what is happening to you--and I want YOU to help me on my journey!"  WHAT?!  Amazing.  Overwhelming.  Humbling.

So, now my adventure will include coaching.  And now my blog will need to fall under the compliance guidelines of my new role--so there may be some tweaks and adjustments.  But I will continue to be honest and continue to open my life--the good, the bad and the ugly.

Here is my website!  www.jgarner.tsfl.com

If you've been thinking, "You know, I would like to learn more about TSFL, Julie!"  Now you know...I'm here for you.  Love you all!  Thanks for all you mean to me.  You are great friends and family!

Trust Me

Some of my favorite ladies!  My mom, my sisters and me at my sister's birthday lunch back in December.  I've lost a lot of weight since then!  Woo hoo!!!

Oh, I had to laugh this morning.  Which is a good thing, because in the past I would have cried.

This weekend I finally shared what I'm doing with a rather large handful of people who have been part of my cheering squad in the past in one way or another.  I felt ready to do that.  Afterall, these friend know how hard it's been for me in the past--it seems only right that they now celebrate with me in the victory, right?

I honestly try not to weigh myself every day.  Since this journey can't be about the numbers, then there are much more important things to focus on.  But, I'm not going to lie--the scale has a stronghold over me.  We have a love/hate relationship with each other. 

This morning I stepped on the scale and gasped.  I have only gained weight once on TSFL and it was just +1.  Nothing but water weight.  This morning I was UP--more than one pound.  I know it's not a REAL gain, because I've not wavered from the program at all.  It's water.  I can tell because I can't get my ring off my finger, a sure sign for me that I'm retaining fluid. 

But no matter what the reason--I had to laugh.  I FINALLY tell people and then next time I check my weight I'm UP.  Do you see the irony in this? 

I want people to share in my success.  The thing I would probably fear the most is that I would fail and everyone would know.  Being exposed.  Again.

I'm not failing.  I'm very aware of that.

But I think the Lord allowed me to see the bigger number today to say, "This is not about the number, remember?" and "You can't do this alone.  I control the scale, not you."  and "Will you find your success in ME?"  and "Will you boast all the more gladly in your weakness so that Christ's power can rest on you?"

I don't give my weekly weight until Wednesday.  But I had to share today that I must be firm in my resolve that I am never failing if I'm trusting God.  Never.  No matter what people say, or think, or what I think or say.

God is simply saying, "Trust me."  And I'm saying, "You bet!"

IMPORTANT: I'm Going Private

Faithful Friends and Family,

For reasons I can share with you very soon, I must make this blog private--at least for a time.  To do that, I will need to send you an invitation to be a reader.  The problem is, I forget who is reading.  And some of you that are reading, I may not even know you personally. 

Therefore, would you please either leave me a comment, send me an email or catch me on Facebook and let me know that you would like to continue reading my blog and where (email address) I should send your invitation.  I will try to leave the blog public for the week, in order to give everyone time to get this.  But as soon as I must go private, then I can no longer wait.  Sorry if this is a bit cryptic.  You know how honest I'm being, so you will know why as soon as I can explain!

Hope to hear from you!
Julie

"The Last Thing I'll Ever Do!"

When my friend first shared with me that he was doing Take Shape for Life I thought to myself, "That is that LAST thing I'll EVER do!"  I thought it was CRAZY!  I saw his little bowl of soup and thought, "I would have to eat that soup AND my right arm...and I'd still be hungry."

Well...that was, what?  About nine months ago? 

It took me about six months of just watching him and his wife lose the weight and be happy doing it.  They loved it.  That was clear.  And they looked amazing!  (They still do, by the way.  Love you guys!) 

I wanted what they had, but I was so full of fear because I had tried so many times to lose weight I had failed each and every time.  I had myself convinced that I was meant to be overweight, that I would need to live the rest of my life uncomfortable and unable to be who I really knew I wanted to be.

And then I did what I never thought I would do.  I took a step of faith, and I made the phone call to Shirley.  I was already convinced when I called her because I had seen the proof of TSFL in my friends.  This works.

And it does work.

And I was right when I said that TSFL is the LAST thing I'll ever do.  Because it is.  The last thing I will ever do. 

There will never be a need to do anything else, because this works.

I'm thankful for friends who were willing to tell me about their journey and who were willing to not take it personally when I didn't get it at first.  Friends who were persistent, but not pushy.  Who showed me by example what TSFL can really do and how God used it to transform them in every possible way.  (Thank you, Friends!  That means everything to me!)

Take Shape for Life is truly the last thing I'll ever do!  Praise God!

Real or Unreal

How can we measure who we truly are?

So, yesterday I wrote about forgetting what I look like to myself.  But today I am thinking about what I look like to others.

Most people who knows me would probably agree with a few attributes that I represent:

Outgoing, funny, driven, confident and creative.

But would everyone know that I am also:

Fearful, sensitive, easily offended, and super lazy.

If we judge ourselves based on what other people think of us, it will also be an inaccurate assessment.  Have you ever looked at a detailed picture with a group of people and had everyone tell what they see?  Many people would see the same thing, but everyone would probably also see differences.

So, how can we tell what we look like--inside and out?  Only by thinking on what is true and real.  

And what IS true and real?  Again, what God says.  And what we know for certain, in this moment, without our "what if's" and "I wish I had/hadn't" and "if only's". 

The next time you feel yourself slipping from confidence to cowardice, from control to emotion, from the strength of spiritual mental health to frailty of spirit, review the resources you have as a child of God.  In times of trauma and testing, choose to fill your mind with what is true.  Choose to love God.  Instead of spending time and mental energy analyzing other people's words and actions or second-guessing what they say and do, think on what is true and real.  When you train your thoughts to focus in this way, you experience wonderful peace of mind and heart and sound and sincere connections and communications with others.  As a result, your relationships become characterized by genuine love, a love for others that finds its source in your desire to love God...even more.

-Elizabeth George, Loving God with All Your Mind

I'm considering something right now that would be a huge step of faith.  It is easy to be overcome by fear and doubt and worry.  But when I push out the "what if's" and I see that God takes care of me--then I'm willing to step out and do things that seem too big for me.

Things like starting Take Shape for Life, for example.  I had so many fears and doubts.  Believe me, I did.  Mostly fear of failing.  But I was willing to step out in faith and try it.  And look what God has done!

I always have to bring things back to the Hunger Games, right?  (I love when God uses secular literature to show himself!)  So, of course, I will tie in something I loved from that series to this post.  Katniss and another character play a game called "Real or Unreal" in Mockingjay.  They were having a hard time sorting out what has really happened to them.  So, they played a game where one would state an event and then the other one would say "real" or "unreal."  

I could truly benefit from doing that little exercise in my own life, as I take every thought captive.

I can look in the mirror to know who I am or even how I look.  Unreal.

I cannot look in at others to tell me who I should or shouldn't be.  Real.

I can only look One place to be certain of who I am.  Real. 

God won't catch me or be enough for me if I try something and fail.  Unreal.

"Perfect love casts out fear."  Real.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 

-1 John 4:18

Mirror, Mirror

Anyone who listens to the word (God's Word) but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  

James 1:22-25

Do you forget what you look like? I do.  

In fact, I don't even think I have any reality to what I look like.  Someone told me last night, "Good job, Julie!  You look so good!"  And my response was, "Really?  Is it noticeable?"  

I wasn't looking for additional compliments.  I really don't see it.  I look in the mirror and am hard pressed to see the physical changes.  Oh, I know they are there because I've seen the pictures from where I started to where I was even two weeks ago.  But, I am truly like the man who looks at himself in the mirror and then walks away and forgets what he looks like.  I understand that person.

The thing is, our outward bodies are somewhat forgettable.  Recently, I was reading Francis Chan's book, "Crazy Love."  He said something like, do you realize that in 100 years there will probably be no one left on this earth that will have known you or that even remembers you?  That puts some things into perspective.  We work so hard to please others and gain the approval of men--and yet, after this life and the life of our children and maybe our grandchildren...no one will know us or remember us.  Our life is truly that fleeting.  Like walking past the mirror and catching a glimpse...only to walk away and have that image gone and no lasting memory of it.

I wrote about "perspective" before, but it merits writing about it again (and probably again, and again, and again!).  I'm going to go ahead and throw some numbers out today.  Because, who really cares and I'm not fooling anyone anyway...

When I first went to Weight Watchers, I guess about 10 years ago now, I weighed in at 252 pounds.  I was MORTIFIED.  That was the heaviest I had ever been.  I could barely stand myself.  I was motivated to make a change, but my self-loathing over "that" number only made me want to eat a giant donut.

I still say that 252 is "the heaviest I've ever been" because I will never forget the moment I stepped on that scale and faced that number.  252 is NOT the heaviest I've ever been, because I started this journey with Take Shape for Life weighing a dead-even 300 pounds.  YIKES!  If you do the math, that now puts me at 257 pounds.  Still 5 pounds away from "the heaviest I've ever been."  But I'm so proud of that number now.  I feel thankful to God for it, instead of cursed by it like I had in the past. 

We can't judge who we are or even how we feel about ourselves, based on a number.  Sorry.  We just can't.  We can't even base it on an image.  How many times have you looked at a picture of yourself and thought, "Man!  I look huge!!!" and then you see that same picture a few years later and think, "I'd give anything to look that good again!!!"  

The man who looks in the mirror cannot be trusted.  He will forget what he looks like.

There is only one reliable way to measure how we look.  It's God's Word.  How does God define beauty and loveliness?

That is not to counter the need to lose weight and to look and feel better--to be healthy for the glory of God!  But, just to say--my perspective of myself cannot be trusted.  It will never be accurate.  Nor will others' perspective of me.  There is only One perspective that is trustworthy.  

And in the end, it's STILL not about a number.