My "hotsy totsy" picture from our birthday tea party at my sister's house last weekend. I'm wearing a headband she brought back from New Orleans and the Mardi Gras/Sinful Celebrations.
Many years ago there was a movie called "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" (which starred a very young Leonardo DeCapro back when I still had girly crushes on movie stars! ha ha!). It just so happens that the movie was about a severely obese mother. But that's not actually why I'm mentioning it. And actually, I really don't remember much else about the movie, so if you decide to watch it based on this post and it's terrible...well, don't blame me!
BUT...my point is this:
The past several days could be entitled "What's Eating Julie Garner?"
I have been an angry, angry woman. I think I realized, only after I threw something at my sweet husband in frustration with him, that I am mad that I can no longer just eat my problems away.
I've had a lot of anxiety lately. It's been a long time...YEARS!...since I've experienced heart palpitations like I've had over the last four or five days. I realized yesterday that the anxiety isn't foreign. I've removed the food, and now I have to experience it instead of going numb to it. I have to actually deal with the issues that are causing the anxiety.
It's no secret that I can't say "no." I am suddenly finding myself steeped in things I've agreed to do or people who are calling for me to do even more. I have many regrets. There are two reasons I struggle with saying "no", however.
1) There are a lot of things I really enjoy doing. Writing, directing, creating, talking, coffee, friendship, laughing, brainstorming (ideas that I would love doing--that one is trouble!), encouraging... It's hard to say no when any of these opportunities, in particular, present themselves.
2) There are a lot of people I really love being with. I am a lover of people. It's true. Anyone who knows me would probably agree with that. People fill me up. People are part of the reason we exist here. I love people. And with that, I hate to disappoint people.
Looking at these two points, I think--yeah, these are true. And it doesn't immediately seem like there is anything wrong with them. EXCEPT, I can't say "no." So, those two points mixed together are a deadly combination.
Also, I am super upset about our finances. (This is why I threw something at Dan last night! *No Dan was harmed in this incident.) We had two vacations planned for this year. We had already determined that we couldn't afford to go on our beach vacation this year. That was a month or so ago. I believe I cried. I love the beach. And there is still a chance I will get to go down when my sister is there, but it doesn't look like my family will be going. But...that was okay, because we also had a vacation planned for the spring that was going to be very inexpensive. Well, last night Dan decided we can't go. We just can't afford it. I am still so angry about this. And this incident just brought up a whole lot of other things that I've been angry about for a long time and haven't talked about. It was not a pretty night in the Garner house.
Do you know how easy it would be to just eat this away? Only, it doesn't really go away then...does it? I really loathe these moments, I'll be honest. I don't want to work through all this garbage. I just want to go on vacation. Right? I feel like my circumstances are eating me right now.
In these moments, I so easily forget God's faithfulness. I neglect my quiet times, my worship and my prayer life. God is so much bigger than these circumstances. He can help me to discern what to do and how to say "no." He is the provider for my family and I need not fret over finances. If he feeds the birds, won't he also feed me?
I love Take Shape for Life because it is so crystal clear about boundaries. And, for someone who struggles with boundaries, I need that. This plan has really allowed me to face things in my life that I would otherwise turn to food to "change." These are painful moments. But they are so good! Pray for my family during this time. It can't be easy to live with me right now. But they are so patient with me.
I'm proud of you, on so many levels! love you....
ReplyDeleteWhoo, talking about vacation makes me think of August which makes me think of your goal here.... wow! Can you imagine?? So exciting!
ReplyDeleteAlso, better than a vacation (gone in a week) is meeting this exciting goal (stays with you for life)!!!
Ditto to what Kelley and Lisa said. Jules, I'm so thankful for how you are delving deep into this and stepping forward even when it reveals sin and ugliness. But remember Jesus paid for all of that. Rest in the work He did for you on the cross. I do believe the more you put into this experience, the more you will get out of it; and I'm not just talking about the good, the bad and the ugly, but more of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteIt's like you're writing my story from a year ago. I'd forgotten how angry I was (at one point) that I couldn't eat to make myself feel better. It was VERY real, and I had to work through it. The thing is, it was less than two years ago and I've already forgotten what it's like to deal with hard emotions by eating them away. Although the thought of doing that may flit through my mind occasionally, it's nothing like the battle I had then -- like the battle you are facing now.
ReplyDeleteI guess my point is (yeah, Shirley, do you HAVE a point?) is that there's HOPE here. DO the work to think this through, and know that it really IS possible to change the way you deal with unpleasant emotions. I just had a few rough spots this past weekend. (I'm understating it -- it was pure nastiness.) The emotions weren't any more fun than they were in two years ago when I'd eat them away, but this time it didn't occur to me to fix them with food. I just dug into dealing with them constructively. Doing that feels MUCH better than my old method of dulling them with carbs. It's very satisfying, being able to look back and say to myself "hey girl, you handled that like a grownup." :)
Hang in there, sweetie. You're doing the hard work you need to do in order to come out glowing on the other side.