Julie & The Whale

Yesterday was a day I never want to live again.  It is also a day I don't regret.

Kate brought me her Bible at breakfast.  "Read to me, Mommy?" she asked.

She opened the Bible to the story of Jonah.  I love the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I see Scripture in very meaningful ways when I read it.  Jonah said "no" to God.  Jonah stood in judgement of others and felt the people of Ninevah didn't deserve God's forgiveness.  Jonah stood in fear---Ninevah was a bad place full of bad people.  God said "Go to Ninevah."  Jonah said, "No."  (That's a summary of what I read...plus the rest of the story)

I closed the book and felt grateful that I had said "yes" to God.

What happened next was horrific!

Can we agree that this is my blog and I can be honest here with all of you?  Okay, good.  If you can't agree to that, there is a little X somewhere on your screen where you can just leave now.  No hard feelings.

Every single day, getting my kids out the door to school is like a battle ground.  It starts with a simple request like, "Okay, it's time to come get your shoes on now."

It typically ends with something that resembles a small (but bloody) civil war.

"I'm NOT going to school!  You CAN'T make me!  I HATE school. I HATE you."

Wow--all this rage over "time to get your shoes on."  Hmmm...

And it's not just one child.  It's both.

I've seen God's grace, as this has been nearly every single day since September.  I also see the lies they tell.  They both LOVE school and can hardly tear themselves away at the end of the day.  They have friends and bubble over with tales of both learning and play.  No mercy though--the next day will be met with the same battle.

Yesterday, a flash went through my head.  "I am not starting another day like this.  This is a horrible, terrible way to start one's day...EVERY day."  So, yesterday, forget the civil war--I launched a nuclear bomb to end it all.

Would you like to talk about all the items I threw?  Would you like to know the venom I spewed from my mouth at my five year old daughter?  Would you like to know how severe the rage was?  Well...too bad.  I'm not going to tell you.  I will only assure you that no one got hurt--well, not physically--and that my seven year old didn't even know anything had happened.

I locked myself in a room and called my husband.  I was sobbing so hard I could hardly speak.

"I'm looooooooosing my m-m-m-m-ind.  I caaaaaan't d-d-d-o this anymore."

I'm not sure there were any other words on my part.  Just heavy, heaving sobs.  The kind of crying that hurts the entire body.

Like a hero straight from a Disney movie, my husband whisked up his cape*, jumped on his white steed** and galloped to our castle*** in 2.5 seconds.****

*his woolen winter coat **his crappy old (but-eternally-grateful-it's-still-running!) silver car ***sped like a race car demon to our little city row home ****in about 5 minutes

While I waited, my sweet daughter knocked on my door.  In a voice that only angels have, she said, "Mama, please don't cry."  I opened the door and she came in to rub my back and hug me.  "Please don't cry, Mama.  Please don't cry."  But I couldn't stop crying and saying, "I'm so sorry, Baby!  I'm so, so sorry!"

Dan pealed my arms off my daughter and called for my son (who had stomped off to the basement five minutes earlier...missed the nuclear attack...and really thought his Mom wasn't going to make him go to school today.  Huh. Total guy-moment!)  Dan took the children to school and then returned only to find his wife on the living room floor with a gentle black dog licking away her tears.

He sat down beside me.  In silence.

And then I spoke.

"I hate myself.  I hate my life!  I hate being a mother.  I hate what it has done to me.  I love our kids, but I don't want to be their mother!!!  I don't want to clean this (expletive) house!  I can't stand this house.  I do everything I can to avoid it.  For the past two years I have been running away.  Running away from you.  Running away from the kids.  Running away from this house.  And I hate myself for it.  I can't do this anymore.  I can't pretend that I love my life when I really, really hate all of it.  I can't keep escaping into the land of Facebook and email and health coaching...and just ignoring everything else, hoping it will all just go away.  But I don't know how to be present in my life.  I don't know how to be okay with this life that God has given me.  I don't know how to be a good mom to these kids.  I don't know how to be a better wife to you.  I don't know how to keep a clean house.  I don't know how to change."  More sobbing.  More very, very loud sobbing.

More tender husband rubbing my back and my arms, looking at me with such love.  How can he look on me with that kind of love when I am such a wreck?!

"We will change together," he told me.  "We are in this together."

The few hours that followed were sweet.  I couldn't stop crying--wallowing, groaning.  My rock, my husband, held me and walked me through the next steps.  Maybe I'll talk about those hours another time.  I want to get what I learned...

I learned that outside change--losing over 100 pounds--does not change my heart.
I learned that I can change my clothing, but I am powerless on my own to change my anger and my sin.
I learned that I have not said "yes" to God.  I have said, like Jonah, a big fat "NO!"
I learned that I have not been honest until yesterday.  And that being honest with yourself (and with others) is super important to allow change to happen.

Let me tell you a story...
Julie & The Whale

God had a job for JULIE.  But Julie didn't want it.

"Be a mother," God said. "and tell your children--who will feel like your worse enemies some days--that I love them."

"No!" said Julie.  "They are difficult children with their own minds.  They do bad things and make my life hard.  They manipulate me and control me."

"Exactly," said God.  "They are far from me, but I love them.  I will give them salvation.  I will forgive their sins...but you must be their mother."

"No!" said Julie.  "I can't do it!"

I'll run away, thought Julie. Far away. So far away that God won't be able to find me.  Then I won't have to do what God says!  It's a good plan! Julie thought, because as far as SHE knew...it was a good plan.

But of course, it wasn't a good plan at all.  It was a silly plan (because you can run away from God, but he will always come and find you.)

Julie went ahead with her not-very-good plan. She poured herself into her weight loss (that seemed like a great idea...and look how great it was working!), she poured herself into the lives of others (look how honorable she was!), she painted pretty pictures of God's truths and a happy family on Facebook.  She boarded a proverbial boat sailing in the very opposite direction of motherhood.

And then, one day, a fierce wind blew and the boat started to lurch and pitch and roll.  Julie started to cry.  Her not-so-very-good-plan had caused God to send a storm.  The boat was sinking--and if the boat sank, people would die and everything would be lost.  

WAKE UP, JULIE!  DO THE RIGHT THING!

"Throw me overboard," Julie insisted.  "Throw me in the water and the storm will stop!  It is the only way."

And so...into the water she went.

No sooner did she hit the water than the waves grew calm, the wind died and the storm stopped.  Just when Julie thought it was all over, just when she thought she was sure she was going to drown, God sent a big fish to rescue her.  The fish swallowed Julie whole--with one big gulp.

I had never seen the whale as God's salvation for Jonah before.  I just through it was punishment for Jonah, actually.  But it wasn't.  It was provision.  Three days in a dark, stinky, lonely, cold place.  A place where he could reflect and realize he was sorry for running away from God.  Where he could ask God to forgive him.  Where he could begin to make his plans to go where God had called him--if he ever got out of that fish!

What's really cool is that because of what had happened, Jonah had an awesome message to take to the people at Ninevah.  "Even though you've run far from God, he can't stop loving you!  Run to him!  So he can forgive you!"  And Jonah knew it was true--because Jonah had just experienced it for himself.

I'm hanging out in the belly of a whale right now.  I'm recovering from saying "No" and running from God.  God can't stop loving me though.  And I know the whale will spit me out and I will have an even better story to share with my children and with others.

Listen, my weight loss has been GREAT!  I am so thankful to God for it and, Lord willing, He will allow me to continue my weight loss and get to a healthy weight.  But I need to remember that it pales in comparison to being healthy in my spirit--and knowing the gift of salvation!

I want to change my heart, as I change my body.  Because what is my body but an outer shell that is withering away?  But my soul will go on forever.

I want to say "yes" to God.  To what HE wants, not what I want.

I want to love others and serve them, of course...but I am called to love and serve Jude & Kate and my precious husband and our home first.  I need to stop running away from that.

I don't think saying "Yes" to God means I stop my weight loss journey.  I don't think saying "Yes" to God means I quit health coaching.  I think saying "Yes" to God means life gets FULLER and more ABUNDANT.

I feel new mercies from God this morning.  I cried ALL day yesterday and grieved my life.  I still don't know how to change.  But I know this...

I have a husband who is willing to change with me and who looks on me with those tender eyes of love when I am the most unlovely.

I have two children who forgive me and who still giggled with me and hugged me last night.

I have a savior who can't stop loving me, no matter how far I run.

If those aren't things that are GOOD and worth living for--I don't know what is!

Gratitude for What We Have

Yesterday, I went where few people will dare to go. I went to a maximum security state prison to visit a 26-year-old friend who is serving 2 life sentences plus 19 years (um...how is that even possible!). Everything about David's life on the outside looked charming. He comes from a middle-class, white family who live in one of the most charming small towns in Pennsylvania. He grew up in the church, was homeschooled his whole life, had Christian friends and many positive influences in his life. David's story always reminds me that we are one bad (sinful) choice away from devastating consequences. And even David's prison sentence is mercy compared to the penalty our sin deserves. We don't often remember that, though, in the moments when we choose our fleshly desires over God's desires for us, do we?

David can't undo his consequences. He can't undo what he did that sent him there. He can't look back--he can only look forward. He has been chosen to be a missionary in a very dark, lonely place, where most Christians can't "get in." He chooses every day to live His life for God NOW. He knows what Paul means in Phil 3:14 when he says: "But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Yesterday, I asked David what is the worst part about being a prisoner. This is what he said, "It isn't the terrible food, the lack of choices, the prison wear, the inside politics and threats, the lack of technology...it's being separated from the people I love the most. THAT is the worst punishment ever."

Dear ones, as the holidays approach, let us learn from David. Our family and loved ones are what actually matter most to us. We should cherish them and prize them and appreciate them. Time spent with others is more than food--it is about loving and being loved. We are so blessed that we have choices. That we can choose the clothing we wear, what we will do and when, what we will eat and drink, where we will worship (and that we can worship in the open and not in secrecy), who we spend time with, how often we talk on the phone...

Count your blessings today. We are NOT prisoners! We are FREE!!! Even free from the bondage of sin which so easily entangles us. Free from the emotional eating. Free from addictions. Free from our rebellious nature which says, "I'll have what *I* have want, when *I* want it." Because Christ has set us free! Walk away from your chains...be free!

What Should I Eat?

For as far as I've come, food is still a big temptation for me.  I lived, basically, my entire life running to it to "solve" all of my problems.  The compulsion to go back to it is still present.  But I am determined to not bow down to this idol.

This week I was challenged to find 5 ladies who would faithfully pray for me.  The spurring came out of this scripture from James 5:

¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
¹⁷ Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. ¹⁸ Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.
¹⁹ My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back,²⁰ remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.'

Is anyone is trouble...is anyone happy...is anyone sick... What should he do?  For my whole life, my answer would be "he should eat!"  But, no, my friends!  THIS IS TRUTH--he should pray.  He should sing songs of praise.  He should go to others for prayer.  He should confess.

When the people were bowing down to the false God "Baal"--what did Elijah do?  He prayed.  And God answered and showed himself to BE THE ONE TRUE GOD!

The ladies I implored to pray for me immediately responded, like an emergency crew responding to a 9-1-1 call.  They came back to me with commitment and encouragement.  And I know their prayers will be powerful and effective, because God said they would in James 5.

I am doing a Bible Study with my sister and some of her friends that has really been encouraging to me. The actual study is great, but what has encouraged my heart the most is the Bible study technique that I have learned. I've been able to really open up God's word and read it in a very fresh, new way. Beth also has taught us that whenever we are referring to scripture to always note its "address" and to say, "This is Truth"--which is so helpful. I think this is why I have the faith that I DO have right now.

It's been very quiet around my house the past few days and I've found myself a little bored. (Believe it or not!) In those times, my first instinct isn't always to do something to dig deeper into God. My first instinct is not to pray.  I do believe God is giving me this quietness so that I DO come to Him though. So, my obedience with my time will be something I need to practice.

I was just on my way to listen to a message when I stopped to check email...and then I started blogging. Hmmm...I guess, I also need to practice not allowing myself to be distracted! :)

Today I am setting my mind on the temptation of Jesus when he was truly hungry (thank you, Kelley!)--when He replied saying, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. (Matt 4:4--AND THIS IS TRUTH!) This wasn't just a "Jesus-thing" because he was quoting old testament scripture when he said it. So, I know that it is a Truth God has for me. For ALL of us!

YOU SAID!

This is amazing!  My friend Ramona made this.  So profound!!!

Moving Ahead

Closure.

We even need closure with our bondage.

I knew three days ago that I need to walk out of my prison cell, away from my chains and out into the dark corridors. I'm not destined for the darkness, I am destined for the LIGHT! I was not created to be a prisoner, I was created to be FREE! But freedom requires trust and faith. It can look scarier than the "comforts" of my chains, but the great shepherd is with me. I need not fear.

For three days, I sat in my cell. I touched every chain one last time, almost as if to say "good-bye." I hugged my knees to my chest and sat in the sliver of light from that window that had previously given me so much hope. I looked at the door, and I begged for the courage to walk through it.

You may think that a prisoner would be so excited to be set free. I visit my dear friend David in the state prison. It's a harrowing experience, even for the visitor. The moment I enter the parking lot, I become "guilty by association." No matter how many times I've gone, my heart still beats out of my chest as I strip off every possible item that may set off a metal detector and scour my hands and arms to make sure there is not a hint of drugs on me for the drug test. Um...I've never used drugs in my life, but traces of drugs can be found on things we handle, like money. So, I am tested and might be accused...denied my "rights" to visit a loved one for something I didn't do. I don't relax for a second until I see David walk through the visit room door. Then, all the world disappears for three or four hours and we can forget for a short time that life will never be "normal" again.

David is serving two life sentences. He will never be free. Ask him what freedom would mean to him and he might not say "going home!" Why? Because he doesn't believe that will ever happen for him. The law prevents it. So, freedom for him means getting to order something he likes from the commissary. Or being able to communicate freely via telephone with friends and family. At any moment, the small freedoms can be stripped away. He can be sent to solitary--a living hell--or put on lockdown for an unknown period of time. David's world has been reduced, but he has had to learn how to function in it and make it his home. He does that with the utmost grace and trust in God. He KNOWS his real freedom is not something that will ever happen externally, but absolutely can (and does) happen internally. David is one of the most FREE people I know! Maybe he understands freedom better than I do.

I've been a prisoner for more than half my life. The law also says I will never be free. BUT, Christ came and took my place--setting me forever free from the law of sin and death. So, unlike my friend, I have the chance to walk out and step into the fullness of light! But I linger here, fixated on this place I've adjusted to and called "home" for so long. Why am I not RUNNING out the door? I think, if someone told David that he'd take his place and serve his two life sentences--David would RUN.

I don't know why I couldn't run out the door. I needed closure.

But today I stepped out. I took the courage and the faith that God gave me as I crouched on the floor and begged. I was able to stand up, with His help. I was able to wipe the tears off my dirty face, as He comforted me. And, today, I was able to walk out of the door and follow His voice.

What if I get scared? I will close my eyes tightly, push my back against the wall, press my hands against my ears and quietly say, "Help me!" And He will.

I will not run back.

I am free! And I am going to DANCE!!!

A Look Back: Part 2

There is more to life than a sliver of light...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you thought you'd never get it?  But then you do.

Have you ever been hurt and confused by what God is doing in your life?  And then, one day it all makes sense to you.

Dan was my best friend for seven years before he asked me to marry him.  The day we met I heard the Lord say to me, "This is the man you're going to marry."  It was ludicrous!   I had only spoken a few very awkward words to this young man and didn't feel any attraction to him--you know, that "love at first sight" kind of feeling.  In fact, I had no way of ever seeing him again after that night.  But God worked out all of those details. (That's another story, maybe for another blog post)

The seven years I waited for Dan were full of hurt and confusion.  At the time, those years parsed out the very things that kept me bound--rejection, betrayal, abuse, abandonment, and fear.  God used those years to set me free from those chains.

I've been overweight for 21 years.  Obese for most of them.

I thought the journey toward marriage was the greatest faith journey I'd have in my life.  I was wrong.

Let me just say, through my weight loss, new chains have been uncovered.

Two months before Dan proposed to me, he walked out of my house and left me.  It was my greatest fear.  It appealed to every chain that had bound me in the past.  But that night, I didn't cry.  That night, I wrote these words.  And today, I am grateful that these words have new meaning for me.

See, I don't want to just lose weight and get to a healthy BMI.  I want to be FREE!  I want to dance in the fullness of light.  To the symphony of God's love for me.  Quitting isn't an option for me.  And it can't be because I'm afraid of going back to obesity.  "clink"--that's the chain of fear again.  It has to be because the dance is so worth dancing and the light is so worth reaching!

PERSONAL FREEDOM

Julia Gregg

Chapter 1-The Prisoner

Clink. The iron shackle locked tightly around her wrist.  The manacle of Rejection rubbed against her raw and beaten flesh.

Clink.  Another iron cuff encircled her other wrist. Betrayal.

Clink.  Clink.  Around both feet the constraint of Abandonment and Abuse bound her to the cold stone wall.

As if that were not enough to hold her there, the final resounding Clink echoed through the prison.  The chain of Fear gripped so tightly around her neck she could barely breathe.

She lived in those chains so long her recollection of how she got there began to fade.  The only thing that seemed familiar was her small and dingy cell, a tiny window which shone a sliver of light, and those painfully cold metal straps around her broken body.

Chapter 2-The Release

Clink. He has set her free from Rejection.

Clink.  He has set her free from Betrayal.

Clink. Clink.  He has set her free from Abandonment & Abuse.

Clink.  She is finally free to breathe without Fear.

Chapter 3-The Dance

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  She smiles as she twirls and spins to the rhythm of her freedom from the chains.  She dances in the sliver of light within her cell.  Her garment is tattered but her face is aglow.  She had looked at the sliver of light for years wishing she could reach it—bask in it’s warmth, see its reflection on her skin—and now here she was, finally dancing in it.  Her steps were small and sometimes awkward.  It was just a sliver of light, and she didn’t want even one step to be outside its limits.

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  She danced.

Chapter 4-The Encounter

Child, you are free to go. She heard Him speak.

I am delighted that you are free from your chains. I am the one who paid the price for you.

I am pleased that you wish to dance in my light. But, my precious one, there is so much more for you than this.  You are free!  Not just from the shackles, but also from your cell.  The door is open, you are free to go.

She stopped her dance and turned to the door.  It was open.  She had vaguely noticed it before, but her excitement about the light dismissed its importance from her mind. 

She heard Him again.  The door is open, you are free to go.

A lump formed in her throat.  Beyond the door was a black, dark corridor.  She looked up at the source of the sliver of light.  A kaleidoscope of color spread from its beam as she looked at the window through her tear-filled eyes.  How could she leave this place she has called home?  How could she walk away from the light?  How could she leave the open chains that daily reminded her of her freedom?  She walked back to them and placed them around her.  Immediately she began to suffocate with Fear.  She would never leave.  She couldn’t.  It was too dangerous.  Too risky.  Unsafe.  Surely the corridors were filled with the things she feared the most.  Fear strangled her tightly with its hold.

Child, you are free to go. It was Him again.  You are free from your chains and free from your cell.  Now you dance in a sliver of light, but soon you will dance in the fullness of light.  There is life for you outside of this prison!  Come. Walk into the darkness.  I am with you. Do not be anxious.  I am near. Soon you will walk into the brightest and fullest light you’ve ever seen.  YOU ARE FREE!

Chapter 5-The Risk

Silence.  The corridors were silent.  There was nothing to fear.

 

Chapter 6-The Fullness

WHAM!  Rejection beat upon her as the One-She-Loved said, “It was a mistake to love you this way.”

WHAM!  A sudden strike as the One-She-Loved demonstrated Betrayal to her soul.

WHAM! WHAM!  The door of her house slammed as the One-She-Loved left and a sickening blow punched her deeply as the Abandonment and Abuse sat laughing.

WHAM!  She pulled her hands to her throat, sure that the walloping of Fear would take her last breath.

She cried.  She was so sad, so hurt, and so alone. And then, in the midst of her tears, she heard Him.

Soon you will dance in the fullness of light.

She lifted her tear stained checks from the pillow.  She looked at her wrists, she looked at her feet, she touched her neck…she is free, she is healed, she is safe.  She looked at her garment… it was not tattered, it was beautiful and breathtaking.  She threws her head back and laughs,  I’m alive! I’m alive!  I’m alive!

And there it was.  The most beautiful, indescribable light she has ever seen.  It was EVERYWHERE!  She ran to it.

And she danced.  And danced.  And danced. 

One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three.  One, Two, Three. 

Chapter 7-The New Dance

She is FREE!

She is ALIVE!

She is LOVED!

And she is still dancing.

A Look Back Part 1

You don't become somebody through work...

Do you have a stressful job?  Maybe it's in the corporate world, or maybe it's in the confines of your own home.  Personally, the most stressful job I've ever had is being a full time mommy--and I thought working for a fast-paced marketing agency was tough.  Yeah right.  Being a Mommy counts as work, you know?  Hard work.  Important work.

I have always been a hard worker.  I had a great example in my father, who showed me that hard work could be enjoyable and who pushed me at a young age to get a job and go "be somebody."  I was never an overachiever in school.  I didn't like the classroom.  Boring.  But when I found WORK--well, I LOVED it!  I could accomplish results and climb a ladder.  I could "become somebody."

I still want to "become somebody."  I'm sharing something today that I wrote 9 years ago.  Long before I reached my heaviest weight.  Only months before I married the love of my life.  A little over a year before welcoming my first child into the world.

When I found this in my journal archives, I realized, I could have written this yesterday.  For all the wonderful changes that have happened in my life, there are still things that need to be changed.  Cleansed.  Sanctified.  If I don't change the habits I've created in my mind, I will surely begin to undo the other good habits I've created in my health.  Being healthy can't just be about my weight.  It has to be about my head, too.

And, you don't "become somebody" through your work.

TALKATIVE, by Julie Garner

Talkative—definitely a word used to describe me.  Yet, somehow when it comes to the matters of the heart, my tongue falls silent and I feel like no one would really want to hear what I have to say anyway.  But my silence can be a dangerous ground.  I tend to stay silent about all of the anxiety I really feel and then, when I reach my breaking point, I fall off the edge leaving everyone around me wondering how that just happened.

So that no one is surprised, here is my cry for help!  I am near the edge, and sense that at any moment I could fall off.

We have been non-stop busy for months at the marketing agency.  I don’t remember a lull since last January.  We went from the crazy schedule planning a huge event, straight through a spring edition of a magazine publication...all while balancing many other projects, right into a busy summer, which has brought us to this extraordinary fall.  

For the most part, I thrive on pressure.  I’ll admit, some stress is healthy, and I really like the adrenaline I get from it.  There’s nothing like making a deadline just under the wire.  But too much stress can be detrimental, and becomes my catalyst for a terrible illness.  ANXIETY and DEPRESSION.

I see the symptoms.  They’re very present.  It’s like a runny nose or a dull headache just before the blow-out cold—muscle tension, inability to concentrate, irritable mood, loss of interest in social activities, inability to sleep, restlessness, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness (saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing)…I’m a walking ad for these mental health issues!

Those closest to me see the symptoms too.  Even when I’m not aware of my own demeanor, I've been marked as irritable or having a bad attitude.  Knowing others see it only makes me feel worse.  I want to be excellent, God-centered, a good worker, a caring person.  I don’t want to be rude, harsh, or uncaring.  

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel for the insanity?  I really am feeling unraveled.  The last thing we all need is for me to end up in the “comatose” state I was in prior to leaving my last job.  I say that with a slight laugh, but right now that “insanity” seems close and pressing in.

I push myself very hard.  I thrive on doing a great job, on being self-managed, and knowing that what I’ve contributed is of value.  There are times when I like when others give me an added push, because it really stretches me.  But lately (over the last several months), I feel pushed extra hard and am feeling pretty overwhelmed.  It’s not necessarily anyone in particular who is doing the pushing, it’s the sheer volume and responsibility of the work.  I am fine with that, as long as I see that there is hope in sight for relief.  So far, I haven’t seen a glimpse of things calming down, but maybe that’s because I’ve been so narrowly focused on the work at hand.  Will there be hope for me to breathe again?  To come to work and enjoy the pace without feeling wiped out by all of it?

The fruit of the spirit.  I think that sums up what I miss the most in my own life when I allow the pressures of my work to push too hard.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control.  Maybe it is only my perspective, but these things seem to be missing in the midst of my hectic schedule.  I’m not personally sensing any of them.  I sure don’t feel like I have them to give, and I don’t feel like I am necessarily receiving them either.  Where are these fruits right now?  None of what we do matters if we can’t demonstrate these things to one another, right?

Thorn Bushes in My Path

I had a wonderful time today with two sisters in Christ!  It was a great time of reflection for me over all that God has done in my life.  While I was talking, I was reminded of these verses from Hosea.

Hosea 2:5B-7
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
6Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
7She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’ 

Hosea 6: 1-3
Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
2After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.
3Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”

Maybe, at first, these don't mean much to you.  But they have meant a lot to me.

It was October 12, 1994.  I sat in a Bible Study with some of the most genuine Christians I had ever met in my life.  And I felt so alone and scared.  I had just left everything that was comfortable in my life to step out in faith and go where God had called me to go.  I was wounded and fragile.  My heart had been ripped out by someone I loved dearly and I had just really started packing on the pounds to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again.

The teaching that evening was from the book of Hosea.  I was at Bible College, but I have to confess--I didn't even know Hosea was a book in the Bible until that night.  The teaching touched something very deep inside of me. It would be 17 years before I would find Take Shape for Life and the true meaning of the words I penned that night...

Vulnerability.  It's a word that makes me tremble with confusion.  The thought of never opening up the depth of my soul seems so comforting on the surface, but it also leaves me sad and alone inside.  I am afraid of condemnation...of weakness.  But if I give others my strength...for, how do you know what strong is if you have never experienced weakness?  And, where does my strength begin?  

Father, I am weak.  I must first begin by unleashing the chains that bind my heart and make myself wholly transparent to you. Fill the cavern inside of me that I have kept sealed off for so long.  I offer you my fears...the rotten remains of past regrets, sorrows, guilts, and even past victories.

I am blocked in on all sides.  I am running madly trying to find you in so many things that aren't YOU. But now, I will sit...exposed.  And I will wait...exposed.  And I will willing return to you...exposed.  And in my uttermost point of vulnerability, I will know that you have promised to take these torn and battered pieces and heal me.  And as I cry in the midst of my nakedness, I know that you are bringing my ugly wounds.  And you WILL restore me.  You WILL revive me.  And I will be able to live in your presence 100%...exposed.  Yes, Lord.  Call me.  I am willing to be vulnerable.

It's not easy to be vulnerable in our weaknesses.  It's not easy to have to be exposed.  But we have a great and precious promise, don't we?  Yes, we may have our path blocked by thorn bushes--but why? Because we are chasing the wrong lovers in our lives.  There is only one lover worth chasing, and he is hemming us in.  This is a GOOD thing.  He is asking us to return to our first love and to give up all the worthless idols in our lives.  Funny that food and drink are mentioned.

God HAS bound my wounds.  He IS healing me.  I want to acknowledge the work that HE has done in my life through TSFL.  Because, right now, I need to press hard into Him.  I need him to rain on me and refresh this dry ground.  Things have gotten stale here again.  I am kind of chasing other lovers again.  Kind of thinking maybe food will satisfy me.  WHY?!  Because I've forgotten how sweet the love of Jesus is!

So, friends...join me in casting all cares on Him.  I'm here with some thorn bushes in my path and I'm saying, "I will sit here and wait for you, Lord.  I will return to you!  And I believe that you will pour out your grace and love on me like spring rain!"

He will.

More Than You Could Hope or Imagine

* results vary. typical results 2-5lbs the first 2 weeks, 1-2lbs each week thereafter

www.jgarner.tsfl.com/explore

It really is about dreams coming true, Friends.  In Dan's words...

Julie, when I was single and pictured who my future spouse would be, I always pictured someone who would go hiking with me.  Someone who would be fit and active. But I also knew I wanted to marry my best friend--and that was, hands down, YOU. I was aware that marrying you meant also giving up those dreams, but the things I was gaining in having you as a wife were far more significant to me than a hike up a mountain.  I knew that your weight could affect our marriage and that I needed to realize that there was no guarantee that you would ever lose the weight...in fact, it was probably more reasonable to believe that you'd gain more. But you were my best friend and the person I loved more than anyone else and I would lay down my life for you.

At this point, Dan started to get a little choked up. Two weeks ago, while camping at Camp Swatara, our family hiked together for the very first time.  We went up the easy part of the trail first and stopped at a primitive tree house, which I dared to climb despite my fear of heights. (I will no longer be ruled by fear!)  Then we kept on going up the trail, which got progressively more difficult as we neared the the rock pile.  I wasn't huffing and puffing or aching and dreading my decision to go on the hike.  I was LOVING it!  I felt GREAT.

As we were coming off the trail, Dan continued, you were ahead of me with the kids and I had this moment that was very emotional for me.  I had put the dream of having an active life mate to death--but God didn't.  He raised that from the dead.  He gave me something more than I could ever ask or imagine. This is really happening.  I'm watching you be transformed right in front of my eyes.

This really is about dreams coming true.  It's about not being afraid and taking steps of faith and watching the power of God at work in our lives!  I am so thankful for Take Shape for Life and to the Lord for giving me that wonderful tool.  I will never be the same.  WE will never be the same.  And we haven't even begun to see all that still waits for us--because the best is yet to come!

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...to Him be the glory, forever and ever.  Amen.  Ephesians 4:20

Promises for a Hope & a Future!

Whatever your circumstances today, God has a plan for you! And his promises are as sure as the sun rising and setting on your day. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

If you see anything in my life, let THIS be the testimony! He has never left me. He has always had a plan. He still has a plan. And it is for HOPE & a FUTURE! The same promises are true for you.